Your Mouth is a Horror Movie

August 27, 2012

The older I get, the less things, in general, gross me out. It’s like, you can only ignore the stuff splattered underneath the toilet seat so many times until you realize, nobody else is going to clean that shit up, so you might as well tie a sweatshirt around your face, put on some rubber [...]

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So this is how the other half lives?

August 23, 2012

Andy and I are in our house. Alone. For the first hour, I was sitting fully clothed in a cold shower having a panic attack, because everything about this feels wrong. Andy walked in, leaned against the tub wall and threw a towel at my face. So what do we do now? We could drink? [...]

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A Boy Named Sue

August 20, 2012

When you have three kids who are basically the same age, they kinda glob together into one mega kid who you assume gets enough specialness and attention from you. And that’s mostly true. They like the same things, eat the same foods, bath together, and basically function like those two younger Kardashian sisters who haven’t [...]

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Motherhood, Irreverence and Womanism at 4am

August 15, 2012

Did you know Louis C.K. has kids? He does, two small daughters, Mary Lou and Kitty. Why is that an issue, you ask? Oh, it’s not. He’s a brilliant comedian to whom I would give any amount of money to crawl inside his head for ten whole minutes and laze about on all his squishy [...]

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Between You, Me and the Goblin.

August 8, 2012

By the time I was 14, I knew my way around a boy. Kissing, groping, dry humping…hello, Jordan Catalano in the rain, motivation enough for a girl to find her way around a pant bulge or two. You know, everything except that whole all the way sort of thing. It wasn’t for lack of trying, [...]

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New York or Bust.

August 2, 2012

Today I am off to New York City for a few days, and the cherry on top of that sundae is bringing my Jude. I prepped him by watching You’ve Got Mail, Big, a 24 hour Law & Order marathon and making him give me $15 every time he got something out of the fridge. [...]

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Jeggings Weather

July 27, 2012

My kids measure everything in sleeps. How many sleeps ’til we go to Disney? How many sleeps will you be gone? How many sleeps until Ice Age 10 comes out? Ok, the last one kills me. How many Ice Ages are we going to make, 20th Century Fox, until we finally admit to the kids [...]

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The Swamp

July 23, 2012

I don’t like to get all sappy up in here, I prefer to keep the gooey emotions where they belong, namely, the corner of my closet where I eat my cupcakes; but I’m about to start my period, and I watched The Blind Side last night soooo…okay,  I’ll be quick. There was a swamp around [...]

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Hola Texas! Soy Virgin.

July 18, 2012

I just spent the week in Texas with my friend Shauna. I met Shauna a few years ago in New York City. We were sitting in a hotel room with a bunch of friends, and she was holding Gigi, who was just a baby at the time, when I looked over to find her dripping [...]

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Red State

July 13, 2012

On any given day, I estimate Andy give less than two shits about my hair. On our wedding night, when we were totally too drunk and exhausted to consummate things, we fell asleep in our clothes making silly life promises to each other. Promise me you’ll never not be in the mood. Promise me you’ll [...]

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