Prior to this moment, I thought the only hiking I would ever do would come after a plane crash, stranding me with a group of strangers on a deserted jungle island. I actually think about this a lot, and I have a number of concerns.
First, I wear contacts, and I would be good for maybe- maybe– three days, before they get all stingy and dry and then I’m blind. I do carry one extra pair with me when I travel, but what if I can’t access my belongings because the plane blew up or sunk into the ocean?
Then what? I need to start carrying them on my person, like a few cases stuffed in my bra or shoved in my anal cavity. Also going in there? 40 tampons or 1 menstrual cup, whatever slides in easier.
The last thing we’re going to need is to turn around and see tigers following us, and everyone looks at each other all confused, and then they see me laying against a tree all sweaty and mean, mumbling about Cheetos with blood running down my legs. I’d be a liability. And you know what happens when you’re the liability? You’re one of the first ones to get eaten. Right after the Crossfit guy.
Other than that, I’ve stopped all Brazilian waxes and am full bush, I use natural deodorant, I will eat almost anything off the ground, it’s like I’ve been training for this.
Note that nowhere in any of my scenarios did I account for the fact that A. I’ve never even flown over an ocean. Should my plane go down, I’d either die or be stranded in a Midwest corn field. And 2. I’d be a terrible hiker. I have literally no stamina.
Granted, maybe that changes when you’re put into a life or death situation with tigers, but as it stands right now, I’m a quick exploding firework with absolutely no upper body strength.
Which makes this next announcement a little fortuitous. I’m going on a four day hiking trip.
First, I blame this whole thing on my friend Jen, who is hiking the Appalachian Trail right now with her husband. She is making it look like so fun, way more fun than Reese Witherspoon did in Wild.
Every day she posts her adventures and I have so many questions, like, do you have sex in your tent?
Where do you go to the bathroom?
How much […]
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