An Aside...

I love white pants, which is in direct violation to the rule that curvy women should stay away from white and stick to black. Fuck that rule.

What’s more controversial than breastfeeding, circumcision or genocide?

Giant trampolines.

Yesterday we bought one, I say “we” because I was there, and since I didn’t lay down in front of the cart in the middle of Sam’s Club, I guess I allowed it to happen.

Andy has wanted one for a million years, and because he loves to live out his childhood fantasies vicariously through our children (A Day at Historic Williamsberg? Stupid, and no amount of penny candy or giant old fashioned jawbreakers could save it.), he bought one.

We stood in the aisle, and he was all, but they’ll love it, look at Gigi, look how excited she is, and she’s just looking at the box, it’s not even out of the box yet and it’s already the most amazing gift ever! And they both stared at me, biting their little lips, and drooping their sad little eyes, and I was like no, trampolines are death traps, sorry suckers.

But, Andy knows me. We pushed the cart around a bit more, he lubed me up with free samples of sausage, battered shrimp and OJ, and then he hit me with it. Just think of how much this will tire them out, they’ll probably take two naps a day and go to bed by 7pm with all that jumping.

Two naps and early to bed without a fight? I mean, sure, they’ll be in full body casts or wheelchairs, but think of all the me-time I’d be getting.

It took 5 hours to assemble, lots of screwing and stretching and weaving rope in and out. I felt like one of those old Chinese fisherman that weave nets all day and secretly know kung fu, but only use it when they need it, not for funsies.

We had it finished before the boys came home from school, and I spent forever explaining to Andy all the safety rules I wanted observed. No high jumps, or double jumps, or whatever jump Bela Karolyi made teeny tiny Kerri Strug do.

We went to pick the boys up, and sure, it was fun seeing them run out of the car, screaming and shocked at the mammoth structure in our backyard, and they jumped for hours. I assume, I actually went inside to relax and made Andy sit in a lawn chair next to the entrance without his ipad or his phone to distract him, and instructions to yell Code Velociraptor loud enough I could hear him over the air conditioner, should a medical emergency occur.

I mean sure, the whole jumping kid thing is adorable, and they were worn out and sleeping by 6:45pm.

But did I just make the biggest mistake ever?

Or the awesomest?

 

{ 73 comments }

To the Mattresses.

by Brittany on May 10, 2012

in The funny thing about vows

We’re currently mattress shopping. Unlike furniture shopping, mattress shopping has been something I insist on being sober for, less I end up with a waterbed.

Truthfully, I’d be ok with a set of bunk beds, as I have a growing desire to not be touched while I sleep. In the old days, that may stem from the fact that I have no control over my body when I sleep, so if Andy would caress my tummy, I would be unprepared and un-sucked in. Now, I’m just hot and over-exhausted and would like to not have shit rub up on me. In fact, if I wasn’t paranoid about intruders, I’d buy one of those eye masks and noise canceling headphones, because sleeping next to Andy is a chorus of irreconcilable differences.

Please stop snoring.

Please stop chewing in your sleep.

Please stop touching me with your toenails.

I assume I’d be just annoying to sleep beside, should I ever be afforded the luxury of R.E.M.

We currently find ourselves on the queen size bed I have had for almost ten years. A lot of things have happened on this bed, including but not limited to, my water breaking and a college bong water accident. I like to pretend it’s probably not full of mold, and the tiny bites on my leg are from the eye bag fairies who visit me each night.

Mattresses are shockingly expensive. Like, if you asked me how much a mattress cost, I would assume it would be around the price of a full body tattoo, which I don’t even entirely know the exact price of, it probably depends on what you decide to get. I think, as a rule, dragons, Elvis and John Lennon quotes cost more, that’s the market for ya.

Since our primary mattress complaint is lack of room, we have decided to upgrade to a king size, which seems to baseline around six full body tattoos. We’ve gone around to a few mattress stores, and while the option to bounce on it and not spill a wine glass is cool, I kinda just want a normal pillow top mattress that’s not full of black mold and doesn’t require a remote I’ll probably lose.

This one here is a pillow top California King.

Ok.

I can leave you two alone, a lot of couples like to practice spooning or whatnot on the beds, to get a feel for them.

Well, that’s not very realistic. How about Andy and I lay on it, and you and, like, four more associates come lay on it with us so I can see if I have enough personal space.

Sorry?

Grab that little guy back there, the one who looks like a chubby Hawaiian baby.

Andy and I went to dinner empty handed. We get gun-shy when we have to spend a lot of money on something. Over shrimp curry, I decided to once again float the idea by him of separate beds, like Lucy and Ricky. I know it sounds bad, a happily married couple sleeping in separate beds, but the things is, while I adore every inch of him awake, I’m starting to hate his guts asleep, and I’m running out of options. Maybe this is why Edward Cullen is appealing? I can sleep, and he’ll just lay there watching me all creepy like, and when I wake up and ask if I drooled or snored, he’d lie to me and then we’d do it. It’s the perfect arrangement, that whole book makes sense now.

But, Andy hates the idea of separate beds. His parents slept not only in separate beds, but on entirely different floors, so he has this picture in his head of us pillow talking it up until we fall asleep in each other’s arms. But, the reality of the situation is, we lay in bed fighting over who didn’t put the Chinese food in the fridge, and then he falls asleep and I plot his demise for the next six hours.

I read in an interview that Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton are very much in love, but live in two adjoining houses. Now, I love Helena. I have this thing for maniacally brilliant women who devour ugly roles. Anyone can be pretty, Helena, while stunning, is dark and addictive. She’s my spirit animal.

I remember reading about the Helena and Tim living arrangement and thinking, genius! Here you have two creative people who adore each other enough to allow themselves to both live together…and apart. That is the answer.

Two homes joined together by those hotel room doors that you never open because on the other side, people are having sex or cutting coke.

It will take a lot of sweet talking Andy, but maybe he’d go for it if I promise him he can fill his side with shiny black leather couches and a coffee table that is really a fishbowl filled with piranha?

It’d be like living with 80′s Don Johnson, but it’d be worth it for a solid night’s sleep and Bill Murray mural in my bathroom.

{ 64 comments }

Two Parties, One Hangover

May 7, 2012

There are two ways to look at this weekend. I’m either a genius, or the stupidest person on the planet. Andy feels like it’s the latter, but I’d like to think it’s a tie. April, in general, is a super bad month for us. We were all born in April, save for Jude, whose birthday [...]

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The State of Plus

May 3, 2012

I spent last week in New York City. Since I typically travel based on food, going to New York City is a personal favorite, because I can eat like a king at both in world famous restaurants, as well as on almost every street corner. This last trip was especially exciting, not only because I [...]

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Her third year.

April 30, 2012

Once upon a time, a beautiful and really rested and youthful looking queen was pregnant with a baby girl. Everyone in the kingdom was super excited, and the queen just glowed with happiness, as she already had two handsome princes who, while totally adorable and sweet, mostly liked playing video games and peeing in the [...]

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Day 1 of My Favorite Things…again.

April 27, 2012

I got in from New York around 2am last night, and as I sat down at my bar with my 20 piece nugget and 3 containers of sweet n’ sour sauce I may or may not have rewarded myself with for making it through 1.5 hours of turbulence next to an old Indian woman listening [...]

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Playing Dress Up: Spring & Early Summer

April 19, 2012

If I could live anywhere in the whole entire world, it would be somewhere where everyday was jeans weather. But, I don’t live in such a place, I live in Ohio. It gets hot and muggy and humid and gross here, and my hair, thighs and fashion palette don’t enjoy it one bit, so I [...]

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On Amuse Bouche: True American Drinking Game

April 19, 2012

50% Drinking game, 50% Candyland. I’ve cracked the code to the raddest, most confusing drinking game on the planet. You’re welcome, lushes. Click here to keep reading!

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Today he’s five.

April 13, 2012

The little alarm on my iphone just beeped. It’s Wyatt’s birthday, remember? Of course I remember, iPhone. I don’t need an alarm to tell me that. (yes I do.) Today Wyatt is five. He loves Kung Fu Panda, the Three Stooges, and Adam West is his favorite Batman of all the Batmans. (even five year [...]

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On Amuse Bouche: Fifty Shades Freed Review and Movie Cast Picks!

April 11, 2012

This post contains spoilers, lots of them! It occurred to me, internet, that I never reviewed the final book of the Fifty Shades series, Fifty Shades Freed. Maybe it’s because I was too busy smoking a cigarette or being numb from the waist down, the reason doesn’t really matter, the fact is, it happened, I [...]

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