And Release.

by Brittany on June 17, 2013

in Adorably Mental

Do you want me to stop?

I blinked away the tears that seared the corners of my eyes.

No, let’s keep going.

Are you sure, we have a whole hour, you know. You can stop, collect yourself…

No, I don’t want to stop.

Okay, we’ll keep going, just remember to breath.

In inhaled sharply, letting the air conditioned oxygen burn my lungs, and gripped the sides of the chaise. The light was muted, with pale blue walls and hints of mint and aqua in the abstract artwork.

I think it was meant to disguise the clinicalness of the whole thing with calculated and  thoughtfully placed tranquility, but I knew better. I glanced at the coral on the mahogany shelves. I was in a pretend ocean, and there was no peace in that for me. Oceans were frightening, with unimaginable depth and horrible monsters. When I think of being lost and powerless, I think of being in an ocean.

Her hand touched my arm again, reminding me to exhale, and I did.

I forced the air from my lungs as I told her about my week. My week of feeling nothing but crying over everything. How I looked at people I loved as if they were strangers, and I walked around my house like a confused rhino, bumping into things with my awkward cumbersome horn. As I spoke, tears spilled over the brims of my eyes as layer by layer was torn free from me.

Okay.

She met my eyes for the first time and smiled warmly.

Not so bad, right?

Gets easier every time.

I told you. Now get on your knees, spread your cheeks apart, we’ll wax your butt and then you’re done.

And I’m back.

Therapy. Get’s easier every time.

{ 25 comments }

Hey guess what? This Sunday is Father’s Day. Yeah, I didn’t remember, either.

So what were you thinking? Maybe a monogrammed laptop bag? A rustic leather man bracelet personalized with the kids names?

Good ideas! You should remember those for next year when you have a chance in hell of receiving any of those things in time for Father’s Day.

So, just in case you are one of those last minute (and super pretty, seriously, you look really hot today) shoppers, don’t freak out, I’ve put together a last minute, make sure you get it in time, yes I totally put way more than four days of thought into this what are you insinuating, gift guide.

E Books
Quicker than pulling out a tampon, you can load his e-reader with fun new titles.

Books For Guys

Dad is Fat by Jim Gaffigan(Check out my review, here!)
Let’s Explore Diabetes with Owls by David Sedaris
My Booky Wook by Russel Brand
Not Taco Bell Material by Adam Carolla
A Bad Idea I’m About To Do: True Tales of Seriously Poor Judgement and Stunningly Awkward Adventure by Chris Gethard

Amazon Prime is your homeboy.
If you ever spend $80 on anything in your life, it should be on Amazon Prime. Take advantage of that free Two Day Shipping on everything from the perfect Father’s Day gifts to sex swings.

Father's Day Gift Ideas

Fathers Day Gift Guide 2

Hot Tub Time Machine $4.99
Bar10der 10 in One Bartending Tool $36.95
Monty Python Holy Trinity $48.04
Parrot AR 2.0 Quadricopter Controlled by iPhone, iPad or Android Device $279.99
Jawbone JAMBOX $129.99
Bob’s Burgers: Complete 1st Season $22.37
Logitech Wireless Gaming Headset $84.99

The Ultimate Father’s Day Experience
Hey, who doesn’t want a glimpse of their pre-kid lives? Staying out late. Taking off on a whim. Sleeping with bouncers.
Okay, not that last one. But, giving dad a day to do something fun will revive him for another whole year of butt wiping and puke cleaning. Plus, you can toss tickets or a cute description in a card, minimal effort required!

Gifts for Dad

Subscriptions & Of the Month Clubs
Getting stuff in the mail is fun. Unless it’s bills. Or jury duty notices. Or bags of dog shit. But packages full of goodies? Always awesome.
Set dad up with a monthly subscription service that will have him smiling at the mailbox at least once a month.

box of brew

Box of Brew. For as little as $15 a month, you can have your dad home brewing in no time! Just pick the beer you want to brew each month, and they’ll send it right to your door.

Lootcrate

LootCrate. A whole box full of goodies for the geek or gamer dad in your house, for only $19.37 a month.

ashton kutcher fancy

The Ashton Kutcher Fancy Box. Fancy is known for their epic box subscriptions, from food to kids to pets to celebrity curators. Fancy teamed with Ashton Kutcher to create an epic monthly box full of items hand picked by Kutcher, himself. Only $39 a month.

Still stumped? You can always DIY-it with some handmade coupons for fun things like car washes or uninterrupted TV time, a custom made Spotify playlist of his favorite songs, or a whole day of his favorite meals.

Want more? Join our hilarious Father’s Day Pre-Game tomorrow night live at 10pm EST, on Last Call Brittany. We have booze, gift ideas, and a panel of daddies on hand to chat. Click here to check it out!

But wait, there’s even more! In honor of Father’s Day, I’m giving away a $100 Amazon Gift Card just in time for you to do your baby daddy shopping! All you have to do to enter is leave a comment telling me what you are buying for Father’s Day this year, or if you’re a dad, what you’d love to get.

This giveaway runs through tomorrow only, ending Thursday June 13th at 9pm EST. One (1) winner will be randomly selected to win and the winner announced live on Last Call Brittany tomorrow at 10pm EST.  Email confirmation is required within 24 hours, or a new winner will be drawn. You may leave as many comments as you want, make sure you use a valid email address.

images courtesy Wiki Commons and Alaska Fishing 411

{ 250 comments }

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