School’s Out. ALREADY!?

by Brittany on May 17, 2013

in Watch me Procreate

This morning I got up and looked at the school calendar, as I am wont to do two hours before the start of school, and I exhaled a sigh of relief that I didn’t have to come up with snack for twenty kids.

Last month I sent Wyatt to class with a bag full of uneaten take-out fortune cookies. Lazy and unprepared or exotic and educational, I’ll let you be the judge.

But, it was during this last minute snack review, that I realized the final day of school is… next Wednesday? May 22nd? In, like, five days?

What the epic fuck, dude!?

When I was in school, we went until the beginning of June (depending on how many snow days we had), with the last day being a field day, where I spent the entire afternoon pulling pleated shorts out of my crotch, hiding against the fence along the turnpike and trying not to get stung by bees or called on to do a relay.

So, this sudden, very imminent end is… jarring.

Part of me should be excited, because now I can sleep in and not feel bad about wrapping my kids’ peanut butter and jelly in napkins and scotch tape. Downside: I never have sandwich bags. Upside: My kids sleep in like jobless 40 year olds.

Trio

But, this feels early. I don’t know that I’m mentally ready for them to be laying around my house, surrounded by toys, electronics, bikes and trampolines, telling me how bored they are.

It’s parochial school, can’t I sell some thing on Craiglist and pay for two more weeks? Because that would be awesome.

So apparently, I need to go to the store because I need more sandwich bags. And Straw-Ber-Ritas. The official drink of moms who hate summer but love opening cans.

 

{ 39 comments }

Mermaid Hair

by Brittany on May 14, 2013

in Fashion, I'm super crafty

Curvy girls have great hair. At least I do. I mean, for so long, it was my only redeeming quality.

Well, at least she has great hair….

It’s the “but she’s got such a pretty face” of comments. Whatever, cute hair totally made women’s denim colored stretch slacks acceptable in junior high.

I have gotten lots of requests about my hair. Like, what I use in it, and how I make it do… whatever it is it does.

In fact, aside from where I get my jeans, it’s probably the most asked question on this blog.

So, I put together a tutorial for you on how to get the loose, beachy, mermaid-type waves I sport in many of my photos, because apparently, you can use webcams for more than just amateur sex videos and Google Hangouting with your friend during Degrassi The Next generation at 3am so you feel less alone eating a bag of Oreos.

Products:
Bed Head Color Goddess Shampoo & Conditioner
Bed Head Glaze Haze
OuiDad Climate Control Gel
Remington Curling Wand
Tresemme Extra Firm Hairspray

Sleeping with you hair in a scrunchie (rubber bands leave kinks) or braids (like old timey pioneer women) will hold the curl and extend your hair between washings. I can get three days out of my hair when I sleep with it in braids, plus Andy prefers to wake up without it knotted in his open mouth.

Like I mentioned in the video, this also totally works for shorter hair, just remember to use the smaller curling wand! Check out my friend Amber’s hair after I mermaid’ed it up for her last month in Florida:

Amber Mermaid Hair

She’s gorgeous and it lasted all day!

Now, once you master the mermaid wave, you can have fun playing with it, and rocking out some of my favorite styles this season.

Spring Hair Styles

The headband, which greatly decreases the chance of me murdering someone while my bangs grow out. I have a huge collection of these things, and they fulfill this deep-seated need I have to be a hippie and live on a commune, like Wanderlust but not as many orgies.

The turban, which is an easy DIY (click here to check it out) using a head scarf for when I feel the desire to channel a 50′s housewife, Elizabeth Taylor or Jambi from Pee-Wee’s Playhouse. I like wearing these with tank tops and maxi skirts. People either find me ridiculous or eccentrically adorable.

The sock-bun, an entirely too-easy way to get away with not washing my hair for just one more day. Some people use sock-buns for curls, but because my hair has so many layers, they come out looking a little too bent and crappy. So instead, I just toss it up with a cute headband so people think I put effort into things.

Have hair tips? My stretchy denim pants and I want them!

 

{ 43 comments }

Twenty Stitches

May 10, 2013

The following is a totally true and gory story. Also, yes, Andy’s doctor really writes prescriptions for hand jobs, but I don’t think you can actually cash them in at pharmacies. They’re like those coupons you give people on Valentine’s Day when you don’t feel like spending actual money on them. Britt! He never says [...]

Read the full article →

The Sprats

May 7, 2013

Jack Sprat could eat no fat. His wife could eat no lean. And so between them both, you see, They licked the platter clean. The other day, out of the blue, Andy asked me if I found him as attractive as I did in high school. My immediate reaction was to laugh, which I did, [...]

Read the full article →

Good Morning America

May 6, 2013

I told you why I did it, and now you can see it for yourself. Click here for the full article. I said this on Facebook, but I want to say it here as well… I need to take a moment to just say thank you for all the support. It is an absolute honor [...]

Read the full article →

Imitation is Flattery and also Totally a Red Flag About How Weird You Are.

May 2, 2013

So we do this thing as a family where we reduce each other to soundbites and mock each other. When I say it like that it sounds… assy…. Ummm, it’s more like, we each are known for our own fun little quirks that we then get off on by portraying them in an exacerbated fashion [...]

Read the full article →

Brittany’s Favorite Things Birthday Giveaway

April 26, 2013

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens. Bright copper kettles and warms wooly mittens. Brown paper packages probably full of pajama jeans, zombie apocalypse army guys, Moroccan oil, and fake animal heads… These are a few of my favorite things. Two days until I’m “feeling 32,” which I assume will not involve “falling in love [...]

Read the full article →

Last Call Brittany, Episode 3

April 26, 2013

If you missed Last Call Brittany live last night, no worries, you can watch it live right here. We drank (too many cans of) Straw-Ber-Ritas and chatted about working, primarily working from home, and you how can land your happy ass a job where pants are NOT required. Speaking of pants, am I wearing any? [...]

Read the full article →

The Post Puberty Super Pre-Menopause Fedora?

April 22, 2013

Last week we had an 80 degree day. It’s back to 50 now, so let’s not get excited, but this is how Ohio works. Dick teasing us with moments of warmth and sun, only to pull out at the exact moment you consider packing your winter coat away. The warm weather was lovely, but it [...]

Read the full article →

Last Call Brittany: Fashion, Wine & Boners?

April 19, 2013

It’s not a fashion show until someone shows their Spanx or pulls out a dildo. And, like always…. ’tis not safe for work. Want more irreverent indulgence? Check out Episode 1!

Read the full article →