Rule of the universe #485748...You will always look like crap when you run into your ex-boyfriends mom in Target.
While you are there shopping for hemoroid cream, maxi pads and giganatic brief cut underwear.
And, you totally want to tell her you just had a baby, and your hair isn't … [Read More...]
I love giving things that I love away.
Not the exact item that I personally own.
But, like, a replica.
There are some things you shouldn't get second hand.
This is one of them.
That being said, if you call me daughter, sister, granddaughter, daughter in law, or if you distribute … [Read More...]
Yesterday I had to go to a wake for an older family member. A great aunt, I think?
How horrid is that?
I guess I didn't really know her as well as I probably should have.
But, that is one of the perks of having an agoraphobic father...free pass to skip all the family … [Read More...]
So, ok, first things first.
Looky, presh-us tiny baby gurl, lovely cheekies, wittle baby fin-gurs, num num num.
We are now officially two weeks in. Let's review.
1. Baby vagina...totally creepy.
Ok so, I have a vagina of my own. I know what it kinda-ish looks like.
I drank and … [Read More...]
You know those places in town that call themselves health spas, but everyone knows they are totally whore houses?
I mean, what kind of health spa sets up shop in an old bait shop and puts bars and black out shades on every window?
You're not fooling anyone, secret hookers!
Holy crap, I love … [Read More...]
So, I had a baby.
And she's lovely, and wonderful, and she smells like fairy dust and cookies.
She is delicious.
I could eat her.
Childbirth was magical.
My body became an embodiment of the soul of mother nature, my insides twisting and … [Read More...]
Today I am 28.
My golden birthday.
I would love to find myself in a booth somewhere eating a whole lobster and downing Blue Moons. But, alas, that is not in the cards at this point.
Very, very soon.
So today, in place of my yummy beer and lobster fest, I am … [Read More...]
Lots of sex. Doggy style. And lots of walking.
Thanks for the tips overweight former male teacher from grade school.
I love unsolicited labor advice when I am randomly standing in line behind you at the pharmacy.
Especially from hairy, fat dudes from my … [Read More...]