When I say girls weekend, it's easy to immediately think of wine tours or a wild Vegas getaway. Just a bunch of women needing to blow off steam and escape their partners or kids for a few days.
Umbrella drinks for everyone! … [Read More...]
Yesterday I had to go to a wake for an older family member. A great aunt, I think?
How horrid is that?
I guess I didn't really know her as well as I probably should have.
But, that is one of the perks of having an agoraphobic father...free pass to skip all the family … [Read More...]
So, ok, first things first.
Looky, presh-us tiny baby gurl, lovely cheekies, wittle baby fin-gurs, num num num.
We are now officially two weeks in. Let's review.
1. Baby vagina...totally creepy.
Ok so, I have a vagina of my own. I know what it kinda-ish looks like.
I drank and … [Read More...]
You know those places in town that call themselves health spas, but everyone knows they are totally whore houses?
I mean, what kind of health spa sets up shop in an old bait shop and puts bars and black out shades on every window?
You're not fooling anyone, secret hookers!
Holy crap, I love … [Read More...]
So, I had a baby.
And she's lovely, and wonderful, and she smells like fairy dust and cookies.
She is delicious.
I could eat her.
Childbirth was magical.
My body became an embodiment of the soul of mother nature, my insides twisting and … [Read More...]
Today I am 28.
My golden birthday.
I would love to find myself in a booth somewhere eating a whole lobster and downing Blue Moons. But, alas, that is not in the cards at this point.
Very, very soon.
So today, in place of my yummy beer and lobster fest, I am … [Read More...]
Lots of sex. Doggy style. And lots of walking.
Thanks for the tips overweight former male teacher from grade school.
I love unsolicited labor advice when I am randomly standing in line behind you at the pharmacy.
Especially from hairy, fat dudes from my … [Read More...]
It just hit me I am going to have three kids.
I was in the bathroom, totally hating myself for the spicy chicken sandwich I picked up from Wendys and practicing some none hideous pushing the baby out faces in the mirror with the door locked, and the boys were literally trying to break the door … [Read More...]
When you can't drink.
And you spend the whole time running after your kids.
So they don't break something (an urn).
Or lose something (heart medication/erection pills).
Or die (nosehair clippers in the socket).
So, I spend the day all hot and sweaty.
Repeating 20 … [Read More...]