The Fire: June 25th

from: to: Subject: Things I should have told you before I burnt the house to the ground this morning.

The Appointment: June 26th to: Hey, can you get off Friday, we don’t have a sitter and I have an appointment I can’t reschedule. from: to: I can try, what’s the appointment? to: Gynecologist. from: to: What? Why would you need to go there? What the hell is going on? I […]

Ernest: May 22

to: from: Boo. Netflix doesn’t have Ernest Goes to Camp. to: from: Well that’s a shame. For no one. to: from: That movie’s a classic!!! to: from: Like the freaky Howie Mandel movie that gave the kids nightmares for a week last month? to: from: […]

Sex Dolls: April 29th

from: to: Do you know anyone who can make a full body mold of me and all my holes? from: to: Your holes? from: to: Yeah. Ears, nose, mouth, belly button, butt, pee and sex. from: to: Sex hole, awesome, let’s start the argument now, what’s the […]

Playing Offense: April 23rd

to: from: Hey- I’m going golfing after work, but it doesn’t mean I want a divorce or that we need counseling. This is only a heads up. to: from: ??? to: from: I saw you talking about starting your period on Facebook this week, so I decided to play […]

Zombie Fingers: March 7th

from: to: What am I getting on the way home? from: to: Children’s Mucinex Cough, advil for me, tampons if you can, and pop. from: to: What kind? from: to: Diet Pepsi. from: to: No, the tampons? from: to: OH! HAPPY CLAP I […]

Slap Science: March 1

from: to: You know how your snoring is out of control? I’d like to try a new experiment in an attempt to solve the problem. If you are down… from: to: And slapping me across the face helps my snoring how? from: to: THIS IS HOW SCIENCE WORKS ANDY. […]