The other day my friend Matt (click here to follow him on twitter) mentioned it was time for his daughter to watch The NeverEnding Story, to which I replied, NOOOOOOO!!!!! ARTAX!!!!!!!!!! in a very slow-motion and dramatic fashion.
Try and picture it.
Intense, right?
But, it got me thinking about all the movies I watched as a kid that traumatized the fuck out of me, and it made me realize two very important things.
First, in the 80’s, our parents hated us.
Second, no way I am showing this crap to my kids. I hate sharing things, and that includes my bed or my nightmares.
The following films are totally off limits (unless I am in a medical induced coma or Sponge Bob is a repeat and I need to get some shit done around here.) :
Return to Oz: First of all, anything with Fairuza Balk in it, immediate red flag. Second, a pet chicken, always bad news. Add in a robot, a creepy pumpkin headed guy and a witch who takes her head off, and you know this shit is about to give you nightmares.
The NeverEnding Story: I’m sorry. I get that this is a classic. But that giant dog looks like Leann Rimes and it freaks me out. Plus, I had a cocker spaniel when I was little, and it’s ears smelled, and that is basically all I can think about. You know, besides every other scary thing in this entire film.
The Peanut Butter Solution: Ok I am not sure anyone else has even ever seen this movie, but a babysitter made me watch it when I was little,and I spent the better part of a year fearful my hair was going to fall out, and then that year in school, a girl who’s parents bought the turkey farm near us transferred to my school and she had alopecia, and I thought it was a warning from God.
Labyrinth: Was David Bowie hot in this? Yes. Did I want the puffy princess dress Jennifer Connelly wore? Yes. But from the child abduction to Hoggle, I haven’t slept through a thunder storm in years.
The Dark Crystal: Really, Jim Henson? Stick to what you know, and that is making me laugh with adorable fuzzy muppets and one-liners, not horrific skeletal bird monsters that shrivel up and die and then eat each other.
Howard the Duck: You know what, mom. Just because it has the word duck in the title, doesn’t mean it’s not animal porn.
Willow: Remember when Val Kilmer wasn’t fat and bloated looking? Me either. Maybe it’s due to the fact that his performance in this movie was overshadowed by the weird looking midget who looks like Ron Weasley carrying a baby.
Flight of the Navigator: What is with the running 80’s theme of child abduction? No wonder people breast feed their kids until they are 8, it’s a form of security. Kids are way harder to steal when they have a nipple in their mouth.
Three Men & a Baby: There’s a ghost behind the curtain! Related: you also shouldn’t see Three Men & a Little Lady, but for reasons having nothing to do with ghosts.
My kids ask to watch the “goblin” movie, and they they are freaked through the entire thing. They also like Neverending story, which I always just thought was kind of weird.
Mmm…David Bowie in Labyrinth. That’s one for Mommy to re-watch all by herself.
I love that man in tight pants.
You seriously named most of my favorite childhood movies! Definitely NOT Howard the Duck though, even as a kid I thought that whole scenario was WRONG! Return to Oz was the only one that gave me nightmares. The room of heads…creepy. I really don’t remember anything else about the movie because I can’t get past how spectacularly scary that is.
The room of heads. Christ I had forgotten. How is that movie even allowed?
plus the whole beginning of Return to Oz involves like an insane asylum or a labotomy clinic… or something equally creepy, doesn’t it??
Ugh, I’m with you on ALL of those. I would also add in Children of the Corn when they get older because, really?? NO thank you!
OMG my dad showed us that on vacation. Then we went home to our house. Surrounded by CORN.
I am shocked I wasn’t murdered.
I still drive like hell when going thru corn fields. And if i’m the passenger my eyes remain closed the entire time.
You just reminded me of some movies I was missing in my blu ray collection! I can’t wait to share these creepy movies with my little guy.
And David Bowie? Yeaa, I definitely need that one ;) Thanks!
I totally forgot about Return to Oz! I seem to remember a scene in that with a tree full of lunchboxes… so strange and kind of awesome at the same time. lol! I have to admit that I still love Neverending Story, Labyrinth, the Dark Crystal, and Willow (nerd alert!). Have you noticed that the wolf from the Neverending Story, the Nothing, resembles the wolves from Twilight??? (I *might* have whispered “It’s the Nothing!” to my sister when we saw New Moon. Like I said, nerd alert!) I do agree with you about Howard the Duck. That movie scared the shit out of me. Also, E.T. was a traumatic experience… something about the part where E.T. is all white and sick, scared me to death. My future children will not be watching those two movies!
I was the same way with E.T. I loved most of it.. but when he was ‘dying’ I was so creeped out.
ET was a runner up to this, I actually hated that movie, both because it was sad, but because when he was sick, it freaked me out.
Oh good, I thought I was the only one that thought David Bowie was hot in that movie. My husband makes fun of me for that.
And yes, our parents must of hated us for thinking that these movies were for kids! I could never watch the NeverEnding Story (the wolf thing scared the shit out of me) or the Dark Crystal (creepy creepy creepy.)
So weird you post this, my husband just showed my 5 year old son Howard the Duck last week and I was like, “Maaaaake it stooooooooop!” No one listened to me that beastiality is WRONG. I’m so afraid to let my husband see this post or we’ll be watching every single one of those movies on repeat, giving my son nightmares for effing weeks. Mother-ducking-effing-Netflix, make Howard the Duck STOOOOOOOOP.
Regarding The Peanut Butter Solution… to this day whenever I see that Asian kid in a movie, I think about his hairy balls.
I can’t even look at the cover, I hate everything about that movie.
The mention of Three Men and a Baby still makes the blood run from my head.
Also, I had a baby sitter when I was in kindergarten who made me watch Return to Oz EV.ER.Y.DAY. The idea of the Wheelers still scares the everliving crap out of me. And I WILL be running from them tonight in my dreams. Thanks for that.
Um yeah. I still can’t watch Three Men and a Baby because of the ghost, and it kills me, because I adore Tom Selleck in almost anything.
Didn’t they prove that it was a cardboard cutout of Ted Danson?
After I watched Labyrinth, I tried asking the Goblin King to take my sister away….I don’t work.
*it didn’t work
So now I’m going to be singing ALL DAY LONG
You remind me of the babe. What babe? The babe with the power…
No one is going to thank you for that.
Neverending Story was my FAVORITE movie when I was a kid. Followed closely by Labyrinth. Although I agree – Artax. OMG. Even now, I cry. NOOOOOooooooooo. Which is why now, I don’t watch any movies where something bad happens to the animals.
I was just thinking about “The Peanut Butter Solution” the other day – though I didn’t remember the name – just the fact that there was a movie about a kid who grew really really really long hair & someone made paint brushes out of it…
I LOVED The Never Ending Story as a kid – though yeah parts of it freaked me out. And my 2 cats are named Elora & Willow (from the movie Willow). Loved that one too.
Labryinth & Dark Crystal always freaked me out – but I still watched them. My brother watched Howard the Duck CONSTANTLY – any time it was on HBO (which, back then was all the time because they only had maybe 10 movies to rotate) he was watching it.
How the hell didn’t we end up completely fucked up?
sounds like excellent fodder for kinder trauma! http://www.kindertrauma.com/
I saw beetlejuice way way too young and it has terrified me ever since.
Well, maybe it wouldn’t any more but I’m not willing to risk it.
Haven’t seen most of these. The things that gave me childhood nightmares were Jaws and the TV show Unsolved Mysteries.
Oh yes, David Bowie was super hot in The Labyrinth! I loved that movie and The Neverending Story and Flight of the Navigator and even Willow (I loved the little tiny people). I think they scared me a little bit, but I loved them (and still do). But Howard the Duck is a serious WTF!!!!!!! And I don’t believe I ever saw Return to Oz… it looks creepy.
“But that giant dog looks like LeeAnn Rimes…” – that was the funniest thing I’ve read all month. Until I got to the Ron Weasley midget carrying a baby part.
We were JUST. TALKING. ABOUT. THIS. Get out of my head!!!
Labyrinth. ::shudder:: Even now when I see Jennifer Connelly, I’m all, “But how did she surviiiiiiiiiiive?”
HAHAHAHAHAH…Leanne….HAHAHAHAHA….Rimes….HAHAHAHAHA. *catches breath* All of these movies are among my favorites but also I hate them. Thought about making my son watch Howard the Duck, just because of it’s total stupidity, until I read your animal porn comment. And now, he’ll watch nothing and like it.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA…Leanne Rimes…..HAHAHAHAHA… *wipes tears*
Return to Oz- LOVE IT, but my daughter won’t see it until she’s at LEAST 10.
Never Ending Story- Never seen it.
Peanut Butter Solution- HORRIBLE, never will we watch this one, lol.
Labyrinth- See Return to Oz.
Dark Crystal- never seen it.
Howard the Duck- Never seen it, don’t want to!
Willow- Like it, but again not til she’s older.
Flight of the Navigator- I like this one, but it gets weird.
3 Men and a Baby- I like it.
LOL @ “Kids are way harder to steal when they have a nipple in their mouth.”
Goes for husbands too. Just saying. :)
Did you ever see The Last Unicorn? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Last_Unicorn_%28film%29
It is totally scary but I still loved it as a kid. Totally agree with you on Labyrinth, The Dark Crystal, and Return to OZ. Never again!
I was terrified of the Last Unicorn. Unico!
That was one of the saddest movies I have ever seen.
The Last Unicorn totally traumatized me. I don’t think I could watch it now. So sad.
Yes, our parents totally hated us! It also had a lot to do with the fact that I got to watch A LOT of unsupervised tv! The Peanut Butter Solution — totally watched that! And I was just talking about Howard the Duck with my husband! There is some movie coming out that totally reminded me of Howard the Duck and I started convulsing with bad childhood memories. I think I will stick to scaring my kids with little cartoon characters who can decide if they speak Spanish or English.
HA! Exactly. My kids have been digging the old school Looney Toons and Tom & Jerry, and while yes, it’s a touch violent, I am like THANK GOD.
The number one film that gave me nightmares as a kid was….
BEETLEJUICE!
I watched it at a friends birthday party when I was about 7! Freaked me right out, mind you episodes of Ghost Whisperer scare me so I’m probably not a great example.
One word… Legend.
Young Tom Cruise, the devil, and a bunch of goblins taking away daylight and all that is good in this world. (The devil is played by Tim Curry though). I love it! My kids were horrified and bored all at the same time. Same with Never Ending Story.
How do I not remember seeing this!?
Tim Curry makes an awesome devil. Also Mia Sarah (from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off) plays Tom Cruise’s love interest.
If you were here, I would mouth kiss you. I have been asking everyone I know, including random strangers on the street, if there really was a movie about kids putting some kind of solution on themselves to grow hair. All I could remember was the crotch scene where the hair grows out of the bottom of his pants and the paintbrush thing. No one knew what I was talking about. Everyone thought I was crazy. Turns out I’m not. At least not about this. THE PEANUT BUTTER SOLUTION. I love you for affirming my grip on reality.
THANK YOU.
For the longest time, I thought I made the movie up, because obviously, NOTHING could have been that horrifying in real life. BUT NO. It’s real.
Same with The Electric Grandma. She shot juice out of her fingers!
Ha, Electric Grandma. That was creepy.
That is so true about Fairuza Balk. What is UP with her?
And my mom let me watch A Clockwork Orange when I was, like, 10. Nice parenting, mom. She said “It’s a classic! You really have to have it in your film lexicon.” Um, no, I don’t, not when I’m 10. Twelve, maybe.
Holy shit! Do you remember the people in Return to Oz that moved around on all fours with wheels for hands and feet? Why the hell did our parents let us watch that?!
I’ll probably have nightmares tonight just having remembered it.
The Wheelies I think they were aptly named. Ugh, they still give me nightmares.
Damnit, I mean Wheelers. Ugh. *SHUTTER*
I was hoping that someone would mention Legend. I love all o these movies. We even had a guy in our group tha we called Howard the Duck (we were teenagers, and you know how shitty they are to each other). I guess I was just older and so didn’t get scared. What about Adventures in Babysitting? My friend’s little sisters watchd that like crazy.
I totally get the dark crystal and willow. But come on! Labrynth is the best movie of all times!
Might I add one to your list? Legend with tom cruise and the chick from ferris bueler day off… yuck!
And p.s. I did see the peanutbutter soultion… sso at least 2 people have seen it
Gremlins!!!! I saw it when I was 8 years old. I haven’t slept by myself since!!!!!
My parents gave me a Gizmo doll at 5 years old, and then sent me to the theater with my sister to see the movie. To this day they give me the creeps.
I saw Gremlins at a drive in theater… I had nightmares for weeks!
I still can’t listen to David Bowie music because of Labyrinth!!!
Ha… Rachel! Thank you so much for putting the Power of the Babe into my head! No sarcasm. It makes me smile!
I made my 4 year old watch The Princess Bride with me a few months ago cause I just had to hear “Inconceivalble!” She didn’t seem to dig it as much as I do!
Ok, Neverending Story = best movie ever. But I totally get the cocker spaniel thing because we had one too and we always had to clean her ears. Ick! The Dark Crystal — AGREED! I can’t believe my mom let me watch that shiz! Labyrinth – is this really a child’s movie? Really? I think not……. Howard the Duck is a fucked up movie. Also, my dad’s name is Howard. Willow = another best movie ever. I still have a few quotes from that movie. Sure, everyone thinks I’m crazy, but whatevs. Flight of the Navigator – eh. Harmless. 3 Men & A Baby – again, SO not a child movie. And the other 2 I never saw and I’m kind of glad I didn’t — Fairuza Balk!!! Hahaha!!! LMAO!
OMG, I can’t believe someone else watched the Peanut Butter Experiment!!! I was trying to find it on DVD or VHS just a few years ago…love that creepy stuff. Also, I have fond memories of Labyrinth, but it scared the crap out of me when I was a kid.
And Flight of the Navigator and Willow are two of my favorites, especially to see Sarah Jessica Parker as a teenager and Val Kilmer when he was actually hot. yikes!
:-)
What! Some of the best movies ever! Howard the Duck was just sick and what the hell is this Peanut Butter thing about? Fun fact, I have a niece that looks just like the baby in Willow, her name IS Willow… to bad that was the creepy little dudes name….
They were playing Labyrinth and Dark Crystal back to back on a movie channel a couple of weekends ago, two of my all time favorite movies as a kid but jeez the Sarah was a whiny bitch and her little brother probably didn’t want to go back to her whiny ass in the first place and Dark Crystal was so boring and slow I had to turn that shit off.
How about The Last Unicorn? I loved that movie when I was little so I searched for it for my daughter and when she watched it, she cried…. (oops!)
The peanut butter solution scared me so bad! Nobody ever knows what I’m talking about when I mention that movie. It’s so nice to know that I was not alone…
To this day I am still scared of “The Peanut Butter Solution”. Go look up the trailer on YouTube because I’m pretty sure they advertise it as a comedy. WTF?!?!
Allow me to blow your mind for a moment: Warwick Davis, who played the “midget” you refer to in Willow is Professor Flitwick AND Griphook in the Harry Potter movies. Ergo, if he looks like Ron Weasley, perhaps it’s because of lots of time in his proximity.
The Weasley rubbed off. Yes. This now makes sense.
hehe. You said rub off.
Yes, this is where my mind is today.
Holy crap. You have the exact same 80s movies memories as me. Exactly! Including The Peanut Butter Solution. And I’m Canadian! How did this happen? You rock by the way… ;)
My mom and I loved the Peanut Butter Solution…..the rest gave me nightmares, and Howard the Duck was just creepy!!
Totally agree with all your choices! But you forgot two. The Boy Who Could Fly and The Electric Grandmother. Both creeped the hell outa me!
SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!
I just left a comment about the Electric Grandma above. SHE SHOT JUICE OUT OF HER FINGERS OMG!
I am so glad I am not the only person who saw this stuff!
Oh, I loved The Boy Who Could Fly. “Milleeeeeeee”
TO THIS DAY I HAVE TROUBLE WITH PEANUT BUTTER! No shit. I truly do. That movie creeped me the fuck out.
And we just showed the kids The Neverending Story last year and they loved it but Brady kept calling Atreyu a girl. WE JUST showed them the Labrynth. and they went completelyy ape shit. They watched it twice the next day at grandmas…and they sing the songs from the movie now. I am regretting showing them the movie only because they love it too much.
True Story: One day when I was 5 Watcher in the Woods was on the Disney channel and my mom let me watch it because, hey, it was on the Disney channel in the middle of the day. It’s about a girl who gets trapped in a mirror for like 20 years during some seance-type thing and then an innocent girl who happens to look a lot like her starts seeing her creepy blindfolded face in mirrors. I was terrified and refused to look in a mirror for over 3 years. My mom got super pissed off and tracked down the number to Mike Eisner’s office. She told him off and they didn’t play that movie again on the Disney channel (that I’m aware of) until Mike Eisner retired.
That movie freaked me out too
I LOVED Return to Oz and Flight of the Navigator. What does that say about me? Never mind. I don’t want to know.
I loved all of these (except the peanut butter one…I might’ve read the book). You forgot The Boy Who Could Fly though.
Remember that skeksi that was always humming? And how they tortured those poor podlings? And the weird clicking sound the garthim made? Ugh. It’s a miracle I ventured out to become a productive adult.
Also, submitted for approval (of the Midnight Society): the jabberwocky scenes in “Alice Through the Looking Glass.”
W….T….F.
OMG, the wheelers in Return to Oz scared the crap out of me!
Omigod!-omigod!-holy-shit!-holy-shit!-holy-shit!!! I thought I was the only person in the world who saw The Peanut Butter Solution!! Seriously! I tried to explain this movie in great detail to some friends a few weeks ago (although, I couldn’t remember the name…just the peanut butter bit) and my friends thought my crazy levels may bump up from amusing to scary.
-K
Small request: since right-clicking is disabled, could you make links open in a new window? Please and thank you.