It’s a chilly, let’s share stories under a blanket and cry our faces off on Robin Roberts last day, kind of day. Also, I’m sick as hell and I am flipping off that whole starve a cold theory and drowning it in cream filled donuts and chocolate milk. I can’t actually taste anything, but I don’t even care.
So in spirit of that, much like when we spent the day venting all the rage we didn’t have a chance to say out loud, I propose we dig in on the couch in our sweatpants and share stories and confessions today.
I’ll tell you five of mine, and I’m dying to hear yours.
1. After I drop all the kids off at school, I listen and sing along to 90’s Gangster rap in the car on the way home.
2. My biggest self-splurge is on my hair. I go to the salon, alone without kids, once every 3-4 weeks. I use it in place of therapy.
3. I hate The Middle. I keep trying to love it because everyone says it’s hilarious, but I just cannot get into it.
4. I spend a lot of time thinking about how to be a Catholic right now.
5. I know more Will Ferrell quotes than Shakespeare quotes.
You know people who like The Middle? I thought I was the only one.
I do! I just keep TRYING to find it hilarious, and I don’t, which is weird because I like almost ALL the actors involved.
1) I think How I Met Your Mother and Big Bang Theory are dumb, I do not understand why people lose their shit over those shows.
2) I blast rap and hip-hop during my commute to and from work. I have rocked my 4-month old daughter to sleep while reciting Beastie Boys.
3) When “So-and-So Likes Mitt Romney” pops up on my Facebook news feed, I roll my eyes and hide that person from my feed.
PERFECT. Feel better!
1. I don’t feel like less of a woman because my husband is Mr. Mom. Not even a little bit.
2. We start every workday with a Bad Song SingAlong. Today was “Call Me Maybe”. So was yesterday.
3. People who say they love their time without social media confuse me. I feel like someone’s cut off my right hand without internet access.
4. Today, I’m wearing a gray cotton nightgown with a flannel shirt tied up around it, and it’s kind of awesome, and I’m going to wear it PLACES, and brag about it being a nightgown from Wal-Mart.
5. My husband knows which 5 movies to offer up at any time, that will always make me feel better. “The Jerk”. “Young Frankenstein.” “High Fidelity”. “Anchorman”. and “Xanadu.”
This is awesome. All of it.
1. I am a 32 year old mom who still secretly thinks Dr. Dre The Chronic is one of the best albums of all time.
2. I think John Mayer is totally ugly. Don’t see the appeal AT ALL. Not one tiny bit.
3. My husband thinks I buy almost everything on sale. Um…no.
4. My splurge is expensive make – up. I know it shouldn’t FEEL better just because it costs more, but it kind of does.
5. After I take my kid to school, I come home and eat a second breakfast. Of candy.
Totally with you on The Chronic. Why does new Hip Hop have to be so Hop-y?
Yes. All these comments about Dr Dre’s The Chronic make me so happy. I have always claimed that album changed my life (blonde girl living in the OC). Nobody has ever understood before…
NWA’s She Swallowed It. 4-Eva!
It don’t matter, just don’t bite it! LOL
Totally with you on John Mayer. Yuck! Also, I think his music sucks.
Oh Dr. Dre…my #1 celebrity crush since The Chronic. Love him. So much. And I’m almost 36. ;-)
1. We start every office day with a Bad Song SingAlong. Today was “Call Me Maybe”. So was yesterday.
2. I don’t feel even the least little bit guilty about my husband being Mr. Mom. We play to our strengths, and domesticity isn’t mine.
3. I don’t understand people who act like life would be so much better without social media. I just stare at them like lepers.
4. I’ve never seen an episode of Sex and the City.
5. Today, I’m wearing a gray cotton nightgown from Wal-Mart, with a cute flannel shirt tied up around it 90s style, and I happen to think this is a fabulous outfit, and I’m totally wearing it PLACES.
I want to work where you work. Or? Make Bad Song Sing Along a new policy in our employee handbook. I’m HR. I have this power.
And I think we should become best friends.
I’m hiring. The position involves going to the post office and filing and doing my dishes and rocking my two year old to sleep for her nap and making lunch.
But that aside? I think every company worth a damn should start the day with Bad Song Singalong. Promotes unity!
1. After my little one goes to school, I watch tv and nap. Then I run around like crazy so it looks like I had a busy day.
2. I need to change my look completely every few years. I get so bored.
3. I really love retail and resteraunt work.
4. I love to cook but I rarely eat much of it, I’m to busy stuffing my face while cooking to be bothered to wait.
5. Moms in the suburbs freak me out.
6. I’m batshit insane.
I also hate The Middle! Why are we championing mediocrity? Plus, watching that poor awkward girl just makes me feel like a bully.
More importantly – you wait until after the kids get out of the car to listen to gangster rap? How are they ever going to learn the words to Regulate?
Dude, I feel like I need to make Warren G flashcards.
Love that someone else still loves this song. I’ve tried to get my kiddos on board, they just don’t feel Warren G like I still do!
OMG. Regulate is playing in my ear RIGHT THIS SECOND! :-)
1. I secretly listen to my tween daughters ipod every chance I get. I may publicly mock One Direction, but seriously, they’ve got that one thing.
2. You have Will quotes, I have Spongebob. Back in the day I could relate everything to a Seinfeld episode, now it’s Patrick or Mr. Krabs. My favorite? When Spongebob gets a seahorse – he tells Mr. Krabs it’s name is Mystery and Krabs says ” you’re a mystery Spongebob”. I say that ALL THE TIME. heehee! (ex: you’re a mystery “insert name of child”)
I may have a secret SUPER SECRET love of One Direction. DAMN YOU RADIO DISNEY.
I used to hate boy-band-pop. I know every word to every One Direction song….
My husband, my daughter and I used to watch spongbob all the time and I had a few faves. When squidward climbs into the tree house and says, “Well this is stupid, there is not enough room in here.” and spongebob says, “That’s what I was trying to tell you, we’ve been stuck up here for three days.” or something like that, LOL
For me The Middle is like Parks and Rec. It took me a season of watching against my will to really like it.
Ok I get this analogy…. you’re trying to turn me I can feel it…
I like it, but don’t go out of my way for it like Modern Family or 30 Rock. Maybe i like it because I can relate to the super painfully nerdy teen girl or the frazzeled barely holding it together mom… You know just like I get Liz Lemon’s blerg-ness and Gloria’s super hotness. Well, maybe not that last one…
HATE The Middle, luckily ABC redeems themselves with Modern Family.
I am a terrible Catholic, which I knew, but my daughters first week at Catholic school this past week has really brought that home, and I am kind of ok with it.
I hate when people bring their children to the salon, that is my time and I look forward to being pampered and not having to listen to whining every month.
As far as 90’s gangster rap, my husband is wildly unimpressed that my daughter actually knows some. Probably not going to go over well at the Catholic school!!
I NEVER give the hate face to moms, like in restaurants or stores when their kids are losing their shit, because I’ve been there. But dude…keep them out of my salon, it’s my ME place.
Plus, people are doing brazilian blow outs in there, THINK OF THE FUMES!?
I can walk into the cookie dough aisle of the grocery store, grab a chocolate chip and tell myself “fer sure I’ll actually bake these this time”. Uh, nope. Never. Have. That salmonella laced party in my mouth never makes it to the pan.
HAHAHAHAHA! I do the same thing, God I love you. We might as well just start eating it from the tube before it goes bad!
Secret sharing, fantastic!
1. Sometimes I pretend I am sleeping so I can avoid another ‘feelings’ talk with my husband. Cant we just bang and say good night sometimes?
2. I have such terrible, chronic foot odor that I sometimes do the sexy wear heels when we bang thing just because I am not sure if I’ve worn the heels long enough to create an odor
3. I am a very comfortable plus size woman, but recently took up running solely because it means I get to be alone 4 times a week for an hour.
Sarah- I run for the SAME reason. Dude, I’m not even good at it, but I got to listen to music in the woods.
It was basically like a tropical vacation. Plus, ahem, I could eat more because I felt like I could justify it….like….for energy?
Exactly! Pudding cups with whip cream are my go-to snack after a run. I just tell myself that all the athletes drink chocolate milk now a days, I am just doing that to the extreme.
1. I cannot keep snacks in my house. Because embarrasing things happen (Example: I ate an entire pack of double stuff oreo’s in 24 hours.)
2. I am having actually panic attacks about my daughter starting kindergarten next week. Like, can talk her way out of anything. I’m pretty sure she will have her teacher giving her all A’s and selling all the stupid wrapping paper and peanut brittle for her.
3. I’m going to see Louis C.K. this weekend (squeeeee!!!) and I’m trying to figure out a way that I can make him fall in love with me.
4. My favorite activity right now is cuddling with my man-friend and quoting The 40 Year Old Virgin to each other.
5. Song that make me cry no matter where, when or what: Simon & Garfunkel’s The Boxer and Cyndi Lauper’s True Color’s.
Dude, I am SO JEALOUS. If you talk Louis into falling for you, can I be your sister-wife?
I have nothing else to say but OFFUCKINGCOURSE.
Okay, I have two more that have been bugging me all weekend and I have to get them out. I don’t have many friends….so Brittany/internet it is!
6. My man-friend mentioned above is my bff who I make out with and sometimes do sexual stuff. But he has a …..problem with his penis. Sigh. So when we do things, it only works half of the time, and he usually apologizes and takes credit for the issues. But sometimes, when we are just hanging out and laughing about how silly our relationship is, he tries to blame me and my lady parts for the problem. Deep down, I KNOW it’s not me (because he’s mentioned that he has had the problem with other girls) but it still plays against my insecurities. I’m looking forward to transitioning our bff status to a traditional, non-sexual friendship, but I’m lonely and he helps me out with my needs. Whew! Got that out.
7. My 10 year relationship officially ended with a bang this past February, and my ex and I amicably decided to split time with my 5 year old 50/50. It works, and I’m blessed that she has a father who wants to be with her as much as he does, but I’m so sad and confused about how to be a part time parent. I occupy my time away from her as much as possible, but I feel like it’s unfair to have a life and live without her. Worst of all, it makes me feel like less of a parent.
Brittany, thanks for this! It feels good just to get this off my chest. You’re awesome :)
1. I want to shave the side of my head and put a tattoo there. (I’m 40)
2. I hate material things and would rather have a small farm and spend my days making things from scratch, canning food and writing books but sometimes I have to fake liking “things” so I can have a decent conversation with people. (I’m obviously surrounded by the wrong people)
3. I tell people I don’t really believe in love and act like a hardass but secretly I absolutely adore being in love and having someone sweep me off my feet.
4. I frequently day dream of being a rock star.
5. I eat for comfort and my go to food is a cheeseburger eaten in my car, in a parking lot where I know no one will see me. I mainly eat a vegan diet and can’t understand why I do this. Probably because cheeseburgers taste really fucking good.
Dude, shave your head. I COVET what Miley Cyrus did to her hair, I WISH I could do that, and you eat in your car in the parking lot?
This is kismet, we are sisters!
Do it! I plan on starting my sleeves for my 34th birthday. Tattoos will be yours forever! Plus on your head it’s like a naughty secret.
I would so love to have a small farm and do everything from scratch. My husband is not so keen on it.
I had GMA on this morning while I was getting ready for work. Do you have any idea how hard it is to apply eyeliner with tears leaking out of your eyes??? I eventually had to shut the door.
That whole starve a cold thing is bullshit. Feed everything. Food is fuel and your body needs fuel to fight off the bad guys.
Okay…
1. I only eat the red, orange and white gummi bears. I store up containers of the leftover green and yellow ones and give them to my mom. Because that’s what you do with stuff you don’t want…
2. You know those god-awful movies that you see the previews for and think “I’ll skip that forever”? … I love those movies. The worse the better. I will watch them every single time they come on tv.
3. I personify inanimate objects. Like when I’m listening to my ipod, and nothing makes me happy, but I finally find a song I like, and then the next song is from the same artist, I imagine little oompa loompas running around the cogs of my ipod yelling “She’s listening to Mraz! CUE MORE MRAZ!!!” Or when I’m yelling at the mower, and I imagine it yelling back at me “Bitch, I will rip your hand off!”
4. I hate having dishes in the sink. HATE it. However, I also hate washing dishes. With a passion. So sometimes I’ll put handwash only dishes in the dishwasher just to get them out of my sight, then pull them out later when I’ve had a chance to talk myself into washing dishes.
5. I like Miley Cyrus’s music. There I said it.
“3. I personify inanimate objects. Like when I’m listening to my ipod, and nothing makes me happy, but I finally find a song I like, and then the next song is from the same artist, I imagine little oompa loompas running around the cogs of my ipod yelling “She’s listening to Mraz! CUE MORE MRAZ!!!” Or when I’m yelling at the mower, and I imagine it yelling back at me “Bitch, I will rip your hand off!”
I cannot tell you how happy this confession made me!
Me too, because, OMG – I totally do this! It’s not just me – whew!
1. “Big Bang Theory” is my “The Middle”. Everyone tells me how great it is, but I last 5 minutes before I’m literally fuming with anger. How it constantly beats out Community is beyond me.
2. I’m so freaking glad my kid gets on a bus now. SEE YA SUCKA, I’M GONNA GO BACK INSIDE AND PLAY VIDYA GAMES AND EAT THE MARSHMALLOW CEREAL I HIDE IN THE CABINET YOU CAN’T REACH.
3. I’m the guy still playing Draw Something.
4. I paradoxically love sleeping in, and being the first person awake.
Yes, yes, yes, and yes. Except my hidden cereal is the bagged cocoa crispies knock-off. Maybe we should play Draw Something together. Or Words With Friends?
there is nothing, i mean nothing better than when the newest “stars without makeup” or “stars in their bathing suits” hits the grocery store shelf….I’ll throw it nonchalantly on the pile of groceries i’m buying and inside i’m going “yes, oh yes…i can’t wait to reeeaaaddd this’.
..also I secretly love country music.
Con’t…
7. I really want goats. And to learn to make cheese. I would love to learn all of the in and outs of it.
8. My husband wants me to take over the budget. Bad idea. We will surely lose the house.
9. I grew up in the ghetto, love rap and hip hop. I have secret cd books. Though lately I have embraced it all. I also love Billy Joel (the old stuff).
10. I get turned on while watching Star Trek: The Next Generation. And my husband knows it.
11. I have been on my own since age 14.
1. On stressful days, I eat ice cream..in a bubble bath.
2. To be away from the kids for a few minutes, I sit in our garage and play on my phone.
3. I drink cola more than any normal person should.
4. I have to stay off FB when mad.
I have to stay off Facebook when mad, sad or drunk. Nothing good comes out of it. My friends start calling my husband all worried, it’s bad news bears!
I eat starbursts in the shower…something about sweets and water-serendipitous.
When my live-in boyfriend has weekend plans like football, I spend the morning cleaning and looking extra productive in hopes that he feels a little guilty, but as soon as he leaves, I’m down for the count – I love laying on the couch all day, ESPECIALLY if there’s a terrible marathon on TV like The Hills.
My friends and family think of me as this total social butterfly, party girl, which I am.. but secretly.. My idea of the perfect day is shopping a big mall by myself, and eating lunch somewhere BY MYSELF with a book or magazine. And no.. I don’t have kids.
I totally do the, snack so much while you’re cooking that you barely eat any of the cooked meal, so I’m sure my man wonders how I’m not skinnier when I cook these big meals just for him!
1. i watch on demand televison on my ipad…on the toilet
2. i love looking in other peoples carts at the grocery store
3. i only wear granny panties, many being 10 years old
4. i screen phone calls
5. i go braless more than i should.
Ugh I don’t know if I can do this. I’ll start with the worst.
1)A month before my son was due to be born I was really bored at home so I took out the adult toy. Immediately after I was going into labor. I went in 5 cm dilated and felt nothing. I was convinced he was born early b/c of my self greedy-ness. I didn’t tell my husband for a year. He laughed hysterically. When I was pregnant with my daughter I wanted her out..Try as I may, it didn’t work the second time around.
2)I blast the raps in the car windows down when not with kids. My husband hates my ipod.
3)I still really want a horse and I want to name it Sir-Trots-Alot. When I was kid I demanded one for Christmas and my parents got me a barbie horse and thought it was funny.
4)I watch scary movies alone because my husband hates them and then I go to bed in fear staring at the ceiling and analyzing every sound.
5)I would considering trading my kids for Pasta and Chocolate.
1. My kindle? It’s full of smut. Smut, smut, smut. And not even good smut. Because I’m too cheap to pay for the good smut.
2. I cannot tolerate kids music, movies, etc. I make an exceptions for Disney movies and Blues Clues. I can rock the hell out of the Lion King soundtrack or the Mail Time song. But all that other crap? Hell no. My kids listen to pop music, hip hop, and rap. LMFAO? Yes, please. With a side of P!nk and Kanye.
3. I despise my mother-in-law and the feeling is mutual. We work together so we put on nice faces in public, but behind the scenes, we hate each other. So it tickles me (and angers me) that she asked if I will accompany her to the tattoo shop so she can get a replica of my tattoo. No joke. She even offered to buy me dinner before hand.
4. I have a favorite child. It’s the one that is most like me. There. I said it out loud.
5. When I make yummy desserts I tell the kids it is unhealthy to lick the beaters. You know, raw egg and all. But as soon as they leave the kitchen, I lick those things spotless.
I have a favorite too. There are only two of them, so it is probably obvious. But she is absolutely my mini-me. Some day,she’s the only person who asks me how my day was. Of course she’s my favorite, I probably even like hanging out with her more than hanging out with my husband….
Mine is the baby boy. He is sarcastic. He is funny. He makes me laugh every day. He thinks he can dance. He doesn’t fight with his fists; he uses words. And oh yeah…he looks like me. The only thing he got from my husband is his big ears.
HAHAAHHAHA! Love #4! I tell people all the time that my youngest is my favorite and I always get the nervous laughter until they look at my face and see that I’m serious. Just before they walk away I say I’m kidding. But I’m really not. She looks exactly like me and is super laid back. I envision our future together drinking wine and watching reality TV.
1. Sometimes I hide food so my husband won’t eat all of it before I get a chance to.
2. I hate HDtv because now I see how ugly people can really be. I liked it before when everyone looked like a movie star.
3. I used to have conversations with my dogs when no one was around but now I do it all the time.
4. I like to tell people the things I bake are low fat or fat free when really they’re quite the opposite.
I hide food, too! The worst is when I forget about it and neither one of us gets to enjoy it. I have also taken to baking banana cakes instead of chocolate cakes, or using peanut butter frosting, because he hates those things. That way the kids and I can each have a little piece once a day for a few days and savor the treats, instead of him waiting until we are all in bed and eating the entire thing
lol@#4!
This is awesome. Being home on maternity leave with my second has its perks…here goes…
1. I love my older daughter (she’s 3) but she has lost her shit with the new baby and now I have anxiety when I realize she’ll be home from preschool soon. I just want to run and hide. She’s LITERALLY stopped listening. It makes me want to cry all the time. (ok, that might be the fucking hormones.)
2. My mom died in October and I have yet to go through the bag of stuff I took from my parents house that I swore to my dad I would sort out. It’s still in my garage. Haven’t even moved it since October.
3. I can’t wait to get this baby weight off, get all dolled up, go out with my girls, get REALLY fucking drunk and get hit on my dumb college dudes (I live in a college town). My husband is amazing and I love him more than anything, but nothing makes a married, just-had-a-baby woman feel better about herself than young hot dudes trying to hit on her.
4. I suddenly feel my loins burn for Robert Pattinson again. WHY??? I don’t even know myself!!
5. I sometimes think less of my friends who post overly conservative, super religious shit on facebook. (This one really makes me feel bad, mainly because it’s a gut reaction not what I ACTUALLY think.)
1. I’ve never done drugs and just recently tried smoking my first clove. I TOTALLY regret not doing that kind of stuff in High School and College.
2. I’m afraid to lose any more weight- I don’t want to lose my big boobs.
3. LOVE my kids but I wonder if they were born to the right Mom. I don’t think I will EVER understand my son (LOVE the crap out of him though) and it is tough to parent him.
4. I am totally jealous and feel very inadequate around 1 of my friends. She is tall, skinny, athletic and sophisticated- things I am just NOT. (She is a very good friend though, but she’s the friend that I obsess over what to wear when I am going to see her)
I guess those are all of my confessions. Thanks for sharing yours Brittany!
1. My family thinks I have IBS because I spend a lot of time in the bathroom. Where I’m reading.
2. I want to be a SAHM, but only after the little one is in school so I can have time by myself.
3. I hold my breath when people walk past me, because I don’t want to smell them.
4. I really love to exercise but am so lazy that I can’t get off my ass to start.
5. I want to quit my job (which I actually love) and open a scrapbooking store.
6. I want to quit my job (which I actually love) and play on the internet all day.
1. Gangsta Rap rules my World in private, but my public love for Jay Z knows no bounds!
2. Once my son moved out to go to College, I semi-reverted back to my Catholic roots in some ways and spend more time thinking about God & blessings now. I think it’s part of my “oh, shit, I’m becoming my mother at 47” thing and it’s sorta a combo of terror and peace of mind.
3. While I am politically Conservative on an economic level, I cannot stand the mere site of both Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachman. I want to punch the living shit out of them.
4. Y’all don’t kill me, but I’m not feeling Tatum Channing and I am a living out loud & proud Cougar. Maybe I need to do more research.
5. I am still crazy about ice cold draft beer and will chose it over very fine wines more often than not.
1. I sometimes want to maim my husband for using a new towel every time he showers…which is LITERALLY two or three times a day. More on the weekends.
2. I would rather “go downtown” than have sex sometimes. This is probably because he’s the cleanest man I know (see #1). But also, sometimes I just want to go back to watching Bravo.
3. I’m on twitter because that is the ONE place none of my friends are. I can say EXACTLY what I want on there, without worrying I’m going to offend any of my peeps.
4. I am absolutely TERRIFIED that I will not be able to have children.
5. Because of #4, I want to MURDER everyone who asks me “Are you preggers yet?”. And, while we’re on this, who the fuck thinks the word “preggers” is cute? I should excommunicate that “friend” just for using that term. (See also: I may be a wee bit sensitive about the idea of never being able to reproduce.)
YES! No “preggers,” no “preggo,” no “hubcap,” no “hub” of any kind! No “vacay” either!
I hatehatehate these words. The minute someone uses one or a version of these words I will judge her/him for being a fucking airhead and automatically write said person off as a potential friend.
UGH! Yes! ALL of those words are vile! I judge, too. My boss uses the word “fab” a lot – I fucking HATE my job.
1. I don’t like the Middle either. Watching the girl child stumble through life is painful. And why is she the only kid with a normal name? It also bothers me that their house looks like it hasn’t been updated since 1972, when it’s obvious they probably bought it sometime in the 90’s. Their oldest child is probably 17 and is named Axl, if that doesn’t scream “the condom broke in the back seat after senior prom” I don’t know what does. 9 months, a shotgun wedding and two shitty apartments later the probably bought the house. So in all that time, they couldn’t grab a gallon of paint and take a trip to IKEA? Seriously?
2. I had gastric bypass and I’m still fat. It makes me feel like a failure, but the reason is because the weight I did lose jump started my broken ovaries enough to get pregnant. I gained 40lbs of baby weight that haven’t come off. I don’t have time to be in the bathroom longer than 10 minutes, let along plan out healthy meals and exercise. My daughter is totally worth the extra weight, so I try to be comfortable in my own skin…Then – I shop for jeans. Ugh!
3. Most times, I want to club my husband over the head like a baby seal, but I love him like crazy and I know he worships me, so I don’t.
4. I have a make-up addiction. I think that I have a subconscious belief that since it’s so pretty in the package, it will make me pretty.
5. Even though I just celebrated the 5th anniversary of my 29th birthday, I love things geared towards a younger age set – the CW, fun accessories geared toward crazy nights out with the girls and “NOW That’s What I Call Music 1,000.”
6. I suffer from “need to please disease”. I listen when people talk and make sure I try to make everybody happy, even in the smallest way possible. For example, when we have people over, I somehow retain what everybody’s favorite beverage is and make sure I have it on hand. I have the favorite salad dressing of every member of my husband’s family in my fridge. The confession part is, I don’t know one person who would do all that for me, but I keep doing it anyway because I like it.
7. I own KeSha’s first CD.
I just have to comment on the beverage thing. My SIL *loves* to cook Thanksgiving dinner-the whole thing. So we became the drink people. And every year DH and I have the same discussion. I say, “SIL and her mom drink caffeine-free diet Pepsi, your brothers drink Coke, and we’re fine with those. Let’s grab Sprite and diet Sprite to round it out and anybody who doesn’t like any of that can drink water.” But no, no, no, no, no DH has to make sure that there is something for everyone. So we end up with all these random soda flavors and guess what? Can you guess? We end up bringing 75% of it home.
1- I hate when people talk about what was on tv last night, because I hardly watch tv. I would love it if you would think I don’t watch tv because I am too busy *living the dream* but really, it’s because I usually have no idea what day of the week it is so I can’t ever keep up with shows. And I can barely work the remotes to dvr anything.
2- I am a stay at home, my kids are 10 and 16. I mostly read the Internet all day.
3- I am terrified of the end of the world, and I feel like a nutter but I am afraid we are headed into that downward spiral.
4- it took me a long time to lose my weight and maintain where I am. People make snarky comments about my weight now more than they did when I was fatter. And guess what? The fat girl still lives inside me and controls everything I ever do!! Go out to eat with my friends? No, I don’t want anyone to judge what I order. Buy cute clothes? No, better just buy another dark t-shirt. Order pizza or Chinese food? No, kiddos, mommy will lose her shit and eat every damn bite, in the dark, around midnight, so know one sees that it was me.
5- I still love Twilight. Love love love love love Twilight. Everything else is held up to the Twilight standard and fails. Including the fact that my husband doesn’t sparkle or stay up all night to watch me sleep or buy me an Aston Martin.
I worry about the end of the world all the time too.
I also always think I’m gonna die. Web MD is not my friend.
I worry about the end of the world too. And I’m nuttier because I think that SkyNet could be a real thing. I won’t ever buy a Roomba because they use the technology for war robots in the Middle East. In an ironic twist, the Terminator movies are still some of my favorites.
1. I am 31 without kids and watch Caillou almost every day
2. I wish that poop smelled like what you ate so when I have the runs I know what did it
3. My husband is the only one that can make me do the ugly laugh
4. I have a list of blogs and websites I visit every morning when I get to work – I don’t start actually working for about an hour after I get in
5. I have actually been so mad at someone that I called them a cunt… just once and just to one specific person GAH!
#4—Me too!!! I actually spend most of my day on blogs.
HA HA HA guess what i am doing now??!!!! #4, you got it!!
1. I hate when my husband goes with me on a run. I’d rather be alone when I work out because…
2. To pass the time when I’m working out, I pretend I’m on my own reality tv show and I’m super funny and people think I’m totally hot even though I’m chubby.
3. I secretly love that Justin Bieber song “Boyfriend”. I hate myself for even typing it.
4. I carry a extra pair of panties in my purse at all times, “just in case”.
1. I lock the door to the bedroom and the bathroom so I can shower and get dressed on the weekend in complete peace from everyone.
2. My child knows more Elvis, 80’s hair bands and 90’s rap then popular music, though Radio Disney is the bane of my existence.
3. I pretend I am asleep sometimes to avoid an argument with my husband. I’d rather talk about it the next day when I am calmer and not so damn irritated with him.
4. I tell my daughter things like it’s illegal in our state to marry before the age of 30, it’s illegal to have babies before marriage, and that junk food will make her grow out like me, not up like she should. Then I’ll walk into the pantry, close the door and eat some chocolate.
5. I get my hair done more frequently, mani/pedi’s for me time and buy purses instead of cool clothes. Purses always, always fit…on skinny days, on extra fat days, on jammie days……
1- I will load my dishwasher twice a day sometimes, just so I don’t have to clean any pots and pans.
2- I say I have to go do the grocery shopping just to have some time to myself away from my kids.
3- I will fake being asleep when I don’t feel like doing IT.
4- I love reading gossip but will never buy the magazines. I read them in line at the grocery store!
1) When my husband asks, “is that new?” I tell him, “No, I’ve had it for a while.” Yeah, in a bag in the closet, that I brought home last week.
2) My husband is sometimes a better mom than I am.
3) When I’m doing my home projects, I like to pretend that I’m on my own makeover show on HGTV. (I actually narrate what I’m doing – to the camera. But I hide my crazy by keeping it in my head.)
4) I think Billy Bob Thorton is dirty hot.
Oh God. I am scared to share, some of mine are down right shameful. =X
1- We recently moved to the *country* and I secretly pretend the people up the road who have an ELK farm want to be my friend so I can work up the courage to stop & ask to take pictures of the elk. I also feel fairly confident the people with the chicken & sheep want to be my pals too.
2- The barely 18 year old guy at the butcher who looks like he should be in a surfing ad smiles at me & makes eye contact & it should make me feel confident & hot, instead I just stutter like a moron & avoid eye contact.
3- I once wound up in the hospital ( and actually could have died had I waited longer to get there) as a result of a drunken sexual escapade with my husband when we first started dating. My mom still doesn’t know the truth & I hope she NEVER DOES because I think I would die of embarrassment. I will NOT elaborate =X
4-My kiddos new school friend has a nanny who is this slender, gorgeous, foreign young woman & she is so beautiful even I stare at her.
5- I am 6 foot tall, and whenever I see REALLY tall guys in stores or in public, I resist the urge to ask them to hug me just so I can feel *small* for one sweet moment.
6- I have conversations in my head that happened 6 years ago & what I would have said, or conversations(what I would say,etc) that would probably never even happen. I wonder if other people do this or if I am crazy.
7- I thought my whole life I was a cat person. Inow have 2. They are assholes. I was wrong.
I do that conversation thing too!
I absolutely do the convos thing.
6- I do it too! My kid thinks I’m bat shit crazy.
Not just you. I still have conversations in my head with people that I haven’t seen in 12 years. You know just in case I see them again, I’ll finally be prepared.
I am laughing so hard at these confessions (but they’re also touching).
(1) I read a ton of mommy blogs (I’m a dad to a 23 month old, with a second due in November) for the humor, but also the tips. Plus, I feel like I’m getting a secret peek at how my wife must think sometimes.
(2) Now that our first is old enough to be aware of what we say and do, I’m scared I’ll say or do something wrong in front of him and it will be his first memory he carries forever.
(3) I feel guilty if our son wakes up an hour after he goes to bed for the night and my initial reaction is annoyance that I have to put down a book or pause a show.
(4) I’m depressed, but since I’m not the stereotypical “can get out of bed/can’t get dressed/can’t go to work” depressed, I feel like it’s not “really” depression and I should suck it up (but I do see a therapist and take a medication).
(5) I worry about the future our kids will have, but the whole “we need to lower the national debt for the sake of our children and grandchildren” just sounds like bullshit to me. We have credit card debt, so why shouldn’t the country?
For some reason I am just tickled to death that you are participating and #5 made me LOL!
#4 you ARE really depressed. I functioned for 3 years before figuring out I had depression. A total panic attack at work sent new to my dr. good for you about seeing dr and your meds. Hang in there, you will fight this and win. :-)
1. I SO eat in the parking lot in my car, too! I love when my husband has friends over so I can actually go out and get something and do that. Why is that so comforting??? I don’t have kids, so it can’t be the “alone” time.
2. I love corrupting kids – especially my nephew and niece. So much pride swells in me when they curse, out-wit/out-smart-ass their parents, grandparents, AND ME. Oh, my future kid is going to be such a little shit.
3. I live for 70s mellow-pop. It’s my music vice. In high school, I was such the studded-up dyed-hair punker, but I could sing Firefall’s “You are the Woman” or King Harvest’s “Dancing in the Moonlight” at the top of my lungs better than anyone (and still can). Blame this on my mother.
4. I know this is pretty common, but I have to pluck so many damn hairs off of my body. Sometimes it disturbs me how hairy I am. I’ll blame this one on my father.
5. One of my first celebrity crushes when I was little was Woody Allen. Still my favorite director. Um… I’ll just let that one lie there.
Oh, and I want Louis C.K. to fall in love with me, too!!!
(1) I watch Pretty Little Liars and Beverly Hills Nanny. AND I LIKE THEM.
(2) Sometimes I lie to my child about whether there is any [insert food that I want all to myself here] left and then wait until he’s distracted and eat it in the corner in the kitchen.
(3) If I didn’t have to go to work, I would wear the same out fit every day. Yoga pants. T-shirt.
(4) I spend way more money than I should on coffee.
(5) Sometimes I wish I had a husband so I would have someone to hide my shopping from so I would actually be ashamed of it, but I don’t, so I don’t, and I’m not.
1) I fart and blame it on the cat… or my kids. “WTH Matthew!! Change your diet…DAMN!!” Hehehe…
2) I put my glass recycling out AFTER DARK, so the neighbors don’t see How much we (I) acutally drink.
3) I love Brussell Sprouts smothered in Salt, Pepper and BUTTER. Which is why… #1 happens.
4) I work retail. When Snotty, Bitchy customers come in and ask for a specific item, I lie and say “We don’t carry that” or “I’ve never worked with that product before… I have no idea.” Or… “We don’t hand out coupons in store.” Then when they leave, the next person I see that looks relatively nice I ask them “Want a coupon?” (and quietly chuckle to myself. My work apron is FULL of them.) Hehehe.
5) I really LOVE string cheese.
1) I hate the hairdressers like some people hate the dentist. I have gone months without a trim. Junior year of college, I went an entire year.
2) I haven’t had cable television in 2 years. I get so much stuff done since there’s a definite end point to Netflix. No more of this “Well that commercial sure is cute….OMG Rock-a-doddle is on in 20 minutes! I’ll just surf until then…..”
3) I was a phone sex operator for 3 months…. and hated it.
4) I love my dog but I would rather have a baby.
5) I know all the words to Baby Got Back.
This is good! Therapeutic…
1. I pour my kids milk and cereal and then I eat peppermint patties from the fridge. When my 5 year old asks if he can have one, I say no. When he asks why I tell him it’s because little kids need healthy food and mamas need chocolate.
2. I am a 32 year old white woman who has three kids and drives a minivan. I love rocking out to Eminem, Sublime, and Shaggy….none of this is appropriate for the kids, but sometimes I let them listen anyway. No, honey, I will not explain what, “Pop a cap in sancho” means right now…
3. I always put on regular clothes and makeup to go out…but I secretly envy my neighbor who often comes out in sweats…or pajamas…usually with a baseball hat. I even bought “fancy sweats” from Old Navy…they’re bright pink and awesome…
4. When the kids nap, I catch up on Teen Mom instead of cleaning…
While several of these have made me laugh, yours has made me laugh until I cried. And peed a little.
1. Things I hate that everyone else loves: Seinfeld and Spongebob.
2. I have no idea how to put on makeup or fix my hair other than some very basic stuff.
3. I have pretty well never seen any movie I’m supposed to have seen. Every one of your movie posts is lost on me. Yes, even the classics like Breakfast Club or Pretty Woman. I was a sheltered child and have just never caught up.
4. There’s this girl who hates me and our friendship ended years ago. In general I’m good with that decision, but I still check her Twitter page every single day.
5. I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life and I’m afraid I’ll retire from my current job because I’ll never be able to figure it out.
Man, these all ended up serious. Sorry about that! I’m sure I’ve got a hundred more hilarious ones.
This is hard to write but here it goes:
1) I leave my kids at home with my husband and go away 2 weekends a year by myself. I take my chick flick movies, favorite books, vibrator, and wine with me. I only answer the cell phone in an emergency.
2) I pretend I’m asleep sometimes so I don’t have to talk to my husband when he comes home later than he said he would.
3) I sometimes still think about the one that got away, and wonder how my life would have been different.
4) I could never be a stay at home mom. I would go crazy. I give stay at home moms props for the job they do. But only the ones that actually do things. I know a few that are stay at home moms because they are lazy and don’t really care. There’s a difference and we all know it! :)
5) I spend way too much money, and it’s starting to worry me that one day I won’t be able to keep up.
6) I have an infatuation with Zac Efron. I want to be his cougar. I used to complain when my daughter wanted to watch High School Musical, but secretly I wanted to watch them too. When he “grew up” and came out in Lucky One….whew!!! Can’t wait to add that one to my cofession #1!
1. I snack on deviled eggs a couple times a week. Like I’ll boil 5-6 eggs, devil em & eat 90% of them. And no, my body is weird, I don’t get the farts or any weird bm’s.
2. I didn’t shed a tear when my only child started Kindergarten 3 weeks ago. I was elated. I drop him off, kiss him on the cheek, go home, climb back in bed for like 4 hours.
3. My husband works a super lame schedule for a super lame Company in AZ, which requires me to set an alarm (see #2) for when he comes home for lunch, so I can get my ass out of bed & stand in kitchen with broom in hand. Or i’ll just open the dishwasher like i’m getting ready to do something with it.
4. I hate laundry, even the easy part like switching it from the washer to the dryer. I re-wash clothes regularly which explains the ridiculous water bill we have (outdoor washroom in AZ=smelly/mildewy clothes in wash, if not switched within 10 minutes after done washing). I hate this State.
5. I’m 4 days late on my period, which sucks for MANY reason’s, here’s some:
1. I was pretty drunk for the better part of this WHOLE month. It sounded like a good idea at the time. Kind of like my marriage ;)
2. I’m 38 and I’m tired with just one, and he’s mostly self sufficient in the areas he needs to be i.e. letting momma nap.
3. PPD sucks ass. Don’t wanna ride that train again and drop my basket. I drive a 2004 BMW that I like to think is still cool and it won’t fit a booster and a carseat. I’m not getting rid of the car.
4. Why are we not using birth control you may wonder…? My Catholic guilt tells me it’ll prolong my time in pergatory. It’s bad enough that I’ll end up with a prolonged stay there as it is…floating around unsettled, anxious. Gawd, I’m living in pergatory right now!
1. I only just now started watching the Gilmore Girls
2. I sing a whole bunch of Pussycat Dolls songs loudly in my car
3. I tried to teach myself the dance moves to “single ladies” alone in my room one day
4. I actually think escargots (snails) are delicious but won’t touch a real snail in real life
5. I still cry at disney movies. I still get choked up at that stupid Christmas shoes song or the Butterfly kisses song. I pretty much cry at anything remotely sappy or sentimental.
1. I snack regularly on deviled eggs. Yep. I’ll boil 5 eggs, devil ’em & eat them. All. a couple times a week. My body is weird, no weird bm’s or egg laced farts.
2. I was elated when my son started Kindergarten 3 weeks ago. Didn’t shed a tear. I drop him off, tell him how great he is & he can be an astronaut, etc. Come back home and sleep for 4 hours, by MYSELF. No small child kicking me in my sternum. No husband snoring like a freaking moose, ignoring his sleep apnea, while I fantasize about kicking him in his neck so he’ll roll over putting me out of his apnea misery.
3. My husband works a lame schedule for a lame Company (Dishnet work sucks), which requires me to set an alarm for when he comes home for lunch. Giving myself 5 minutes to rinse off face and run to kitchen (very short distance) to hold broom in hand. Or, just open up dishwasher like it might do something on it’s own. And no, I dont have lunch ready the minute he walks in the door, shit I’m barely awake, plus he’ll be home for like 3 hours.
4. I hate The Middle, which leads me to my laundry situation. I even hate the easy part of just switching from washer to dryer. Outdoor wash room in AZ is stupid. If clothes aren’t removed 5 minutes after done washing, they smell like mildew ass & well, that means I re-wash clothes regularly.
5. I’m 4 days late on my period. This sucks for several reason’s, here’s some:
1.I’m 38 and I’m tired with just one & he’s pretty self sufficient where he needs to be, i.e letting momma nap. 2. I have a 2004 BMW which I convince myself is really cool. It won’t fit a booster and a carseat. I’m not getting rid of my car. Dr. Dre on Harman Kardon speakers, so there. 3. PPD sucks ass. Don’t feel up to dropping my basket AGAIN. 4. Why don’t we use BC you may ask? Because I already have an extended stay in purgatory and my Catholic guilt bought into all that family planning bs & know your body & you wont get pregnant. whatev. My body may have deceived me. Either way I dont want anymore time added to purgatory floating around as an unsettled soul, anxious, etc…Oh shit. I’m living in purgatory.