Today as I drove to the store, I reached in my bag for my iPhone, couldn’t find it, pulled off the side of the road, hyperventilated into a paper bag, then turned around to go get it.

Because I apparently can’t drive to the grocery store without it, you know, watching the road and shopping from a list like some kind of luddite.

So then, it got me thinking about all the pathetic things I genuinely couldn’t first-world live without. I should be ashamed, and yet…

Here’s my totally honest list of seven things I can’t live without (in random order), and maybe you can share your list with me also, you know, so I feel like less of an asshole.

7. My DVR. The only thing I watch live are school delays, and even then, I’m swearing at the TV because it takes too fucking long.

6. Jagged Little Pill Acoustic. Because songs about going down on Dave Coulier in a movie theater matter to my soul.

5. Red Australian Licorice from Target. Have you had it? It’s like the body of Christ.

4. Bed Head Glaze Haze. Because I am one bad frizzy hair day from hating myself for an entire 24 hour period.

3. Masturbation. Um, we’re being honest here, y’all.

2. The thingy I plug into the lighter hole of my car that let’s me listen to music off my phone through the radio.

1. Instagram. True story. It’s like when I was younger and I used to go for walks at night and look in people’s windows. Now I get to do it on my phone without even putting pants on. Best invention ever.

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