I’m sitting in a Days Inn in Somewhere, Tennessee, watching Andy walk around in his underpants, wearing my sandals, looking for a giant bee he claims to have seen, even though it’s 2am and negative 8 degrees outside.
(read: NOT BEE WEATHER, ANDY.)
It would be hilarious if I wasn’t so concerned with the fact that he has better legs than I do, and zero cellulite.
Which seems fair considering he lives on Red Bull and Dill Pickle flavored Pringles.
Annnd our toilet just overflowed.
For the record, my tampons and I had nothing to do with it, and I had to explain the concept of lefty loosey, righty tighty to him three times before he figured out how to shut the water off.
How am I not the husband in this relationship?
I haven’t been able to do a Lazy Sunday in a few weeks, on account of the traveling and shitty internet connection, so I am excited to finally toss one up here, and then return to regularly scheduled writing tomorrow, starting with the most perfect Halloween post…about how our Florida house was straight up haunted! Seriously.
But first, let’s review.
I built Andy something WITH WOOD, to surprise him when he came home from Korea. It was like Extreme Home Makeover. With less yelling and probable skin cancer.
I thought back to the road trips my parents took us on in the 80’s, and then realized we are all turning our children into creepy, spoiled robots immune to human interaction.
I shared with you one of the sickest things to ever happen to me in a public restroom.
I realized I don’t understand how money works.
And then, I recapped part one of the RHONJ Reunion, which I will probably completely take backsies after watching part two, except I shut off the power strip to my cable box, and that means it didn’t record while I was gone OMG. Hopefully the kids can just re-enact it for me if I put them all in heels, spray tan them orange, and give them a couple fist fulls of phentermine. I also showed you Gigi’s NSFW Halloween costume and the kid’s meeting their idol, even though they only came up to his ballsack.
On to the cool shit I found on the internet…
This looks disgusting…and I’d eat the whole bowl.
Do you remember this? OMG where can I get this, and who wants to bet money Rhianna does this to her hair at the next WHATEVERIAMOLD music award program?
This momentarily makes me forget I loath Justin Timberlake (YES even on SNL, people who are NOT him write those jokes, guys.).
And now, in honor of Halloween, the song Andy says can’t be “our” song because he’s a tool, but it’s one of my FAVORITES….the Zombie song.
Check out the latest episode of Brittany & Meredith Live, Meredith talks about things you should NEVER EVER DO TO YOU PET OMG SOME CALL PETA.
Remember to catch up on The Brittany Emails, updated 5 days a week courtesy Mr. Gibbons.
Happy Halloween, y’all!
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Making that pickle dip for our Trick Or Treat dinner we do every year. Can. Not. Wait.
First, I am writing to you from my phone as I take a poop. We are getting too close.
Second, if you don’t buy me that hair crimper for my birthday, I will not be your friend anymore.
Remember how I said I hate you because you were too pretty and your hair was way awesomer than mine? If Brittany gives you that crimper, my hate will probably triple. THAT is how awesome that crimper is.
Dude. My husband totally has better legs than me. I told him he could be a swimsuit model with legs like that and asked if I could shave them. I’ll let you draw conclusions as to how that conversation went.
So my comment didn’t show up…? Anyway.
Dude. My husband totally has better legs than me, too! I told him he could be a swimsuit model. Then I asked if I could shave them. I’ll let you draw your own conclusions as to how that conversation went.
Brittany … you just became my best friend EVER and I’ve never even met you. That song is like Christmas AND my birthday all rolled up into one. I’ve been listening to it all morning…
Which means, while I may love you to the moon and back, my co-workers are gunning for you … so you might want to watch your back.
Pickles make the world go round and I will be making that dip tonight. By the way, where do you get Dill Pickle Pringles???? That sounds amazing but I’ve never seen them in California. I’m pretty sure I could sustain myself on those during my next pregnancy.
I just fell a little bit deeper in love with you. I hate JT too! And I have to explAIN it to EVERYone who likes dick in a box. GAWD. He’s such a pipsqueak. Can’t stand.