The Elevator.

You know those really old buildings that smell like old age and moist carpet?

In their heyday, they might have housed the offices of private investigators who wore fedoras and soothed overly emotional women with alcohol, or hot shot advertising agencies, pitching out the next big campaign while smoking rolled up cigarettes and drinking scotch.

Off topic, but America was so much more productive when we were allowed to drink at work, we should do that again. Whoops, I just saved the economy.

So, those buildings exist all over New York City, where I currently am, and when I have to go in them, I no longer think it’s the site of some cool drunk guy doing business, but rather, the home to lots of drunk guys, doing crack and emailing people that they won the Nigerian Lottery.

Any logical person would be like, oh my God, you should totally not go in there, and I’d be like, you’re right.

Except not only do I go in there, anyways… I get in the elevator.

Because that makes sense. This building smells like human waste and date rape, let’s put a pin in that while we get into the tiny box hoisted up and down by a rope, I’m sure it’s totally safe and inspected regularly by a super dapper elevator inspector in a crisp white jump suit, smelling of hair pomade and whiskey–shit.

If you followed me on Instagram, you’d know this already. Find me @brittanyherself.

I got stuck in an elevator for about ten minutes. This is a picture I took not freaking out about it, but the guy next to me started crying, ok we both did.

Tip: When you suddenly find yourself stuck in a small area, like a coffin, or elevator, or Fiat, everything you drank for the whole entire day immediately decides it would like to evacuate your body. Carry something in your purse to do that in so you don’t have you hold your crotch with your hand in front of strangers.

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  1. says

    OMG…I’m so sorry that happened to you. Glad you didn’t freak out (much). Stuck in an elevator is on my top ten list of horrible encounters as I’m ridiculously claustrophobic and have issues with mucous and close-talking people who could possibly have really bad breath or spit when they talk and if I were stuck in an elevator with someone like that I could end up on death row.
    I almost always take the stairs.

  2. victoria says

    I almost couldn’t continue after reading the word moist. AHHHHH!!!! It makes me shiver and cringe and want to un-know the english language.

    • Kristin says

      “Moist” is number one on my list of words that my husband is forbidden to say to me. Of course, my whole family knows my aversion to that horrible word and they all seize every opportunity to use it in my presence…*shudder*

  3. says

    TravelJohn-Disposable Urinal
    http://amzn.com/B000NV878S

    You’re welcome.

    After getting our car stuck in the ice on an overpass (well, we were actually stuck against a small concrete barrier that our car slid sideways into after the damp roads turned into deathtraps in less than a minute), my bladder of course decided it wanted to join the party of panic. Now I keep these in there for future occurances.

    I use elevators in our buildings at work multiple times a day, and I hear about people getting stuck in them maybe once a month. I’ve accepted that it’ll happen to me eventually. I should definitely talk to someone about stocking the elevators with a box of emergency supplies like those portable urinals. And maybe Xanax.

  4. says

    I recently was running late for a flight to NYC and I got stuck in the elevator in the airport parking garage. It was new. Made of glass. And I was by myself. After I used the emergency phone, the operator kept coming on saying “Are you okay? I’m still here with you” in a tone that led me to believe that people often freak out in elevators.

    Mainly, I didn’t want to miss my flight and THAT’S what almost made me pee my pants.

  5. says

    This is one of my top fears. Worse though would be falling in an elevator. That happened to a girl I used to work with. Luckily the brakes caught it. But then she was stuck in there until they got it fixed. We worked on the 26th floor. Now I’m going to have nightmares tonight remembering her story.

  6. says

    This is what I can never undertand about people getting excited about visiting the Macys flagship store in NYC. It is … not nice in there. In fact, you nailed it with that description.

  7. says

    OMG I would have sooo freaked out. But, sidebar, I’d probably want to force one of those conversations like they had in You’ve Got Mail where we all get deep and philosophical about what we’d do when we got out on anyone else stuck in there with me.

  8. LouisianaMeredith says

    All that commotion *and* you single-handedly saved the economy. Rockstar!!

    FYI, NOLA still needs some saving. I propose a recon visit ASAP for you to help us out….and drink and eat and have fun with moi!!

  9. says

    The motel I stayed in when I went to NYC was old like that. There weren’t bathrooms in every room because they had two shared bathrooms on each hall (thank God we had one of our own.) Our elevator didnt have a real door…it was a closet door that opened to reveal a room with a caged door. So glad I was on the second floor and just took the stairs

  10. Nellie says

    “Oh, welcome to New York, we hope you enjoy your elevator stay!” So sorry you got stuck – I work in NY and got stuck in an old timey elevator once (on my way down for a ciggy break – that’s what I get for having had a bad habit!), was the only one on it and was scared out of my living brain. The guys at the front desk chatted with me and could see me but I obviously couldn’t see them. When I finally got out, they said I did well and didn’t looked scared….yeah, said the poop in my pants!!!

  11. says

    …..and THAT is exactly why those building smell like that: Panic Pee. If it helps, you probably would have gotten stuck in the stairwell too. Happened to me once in a really creepy building and I screamed and cried as I ran all the way back downstairs and then hysterically banged on the door to the lobby until someone let me out.

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