I thought I’d start to do little fashion sneak peeks on the occasion I actually dress myself to leave the house.

As seen in my most recent Spring Dress Up collection, I love white pants, which is in direct violation to the rule that curvy women should stay away from white and stick to black. Fuck that rule. A well fitting, non-see through pair of white pants are great for summer, can be totally slimming, and make me feel dressed up, even when I’m not.

White Flare Jeans, size 14/32 Long, Gap Outlet $59 (currently on sale for 20% off*)
Ruffle Denim Button Up, size XL, Gap on clearance in store for $15.99
Wide Braided Leather Belt, Lane Bryant
Brown Wedge Sandals, Target

*If you have a Gap Outlet near you, spend the $6 on the reusable bag. It’s super cute, plus you get 10% every time you bring it in to shop.

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I just finished Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter.

Am I the only one who read this book, and then spent 7-15 hours googling around to see if Abraham Lincoln was, in fact, ever an actual vampire hunter?

Because dude, this is all totally plausible, and how bad ass would that be!? Also, why was he not a hotter president, I could totally get behind him being a super hot tall guy who kills people with an axe.

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Being a mom is one of the only jobs I’ve never wanted to quit. It’s taxing, but it’s also hilarious and sweet and fulfilling, and I get to experience my heart changing each and every day.

But, I’m especially thankful Andy figured out intercourse, not only so I get these three monsters in my life, but because I needed this maternal punch to the face to even begin to understand my own mother, and how fucking amazing she is. It took pushing something out of my vagina three times and being shit and puked on for six years to become unselfish enough to see that she was an amazing mother despite going through things that no mother, or woman, should ever, ever have to experience. And I get this lady as a mother and a best friend!

That doesn’t count as my present though, Andy. I still have a Mother’s Day list of demands:

1. I want to eat all three of my meals while they are still warm today. Or cold. Really, whatever temperature they are supposed to be to safely consume and not get botulism.

2. I want to go to Home Depot to look at my stuff, not your stuff, Andy.

3. I don’t want to wipe anyone today. You know what, including myself. It’s not weird unless you make it weird.

4. I don’t need flowers or breakfast in bed or homemade coupons, but I would like a nap today, with the air conditioning on as high as I want it, no complaints.

Ok enough mushy crap.

It’s been a bit since I have Lazy Sunday’ed, so let’s catch up!

I did another addition of Playing Dress Up, where I raid my closet and show you what I’m wearing.

I filled you in on what it was like being a plus size model in NYC.

You saw how I threw two parties in 24 hours, hangover included.

And finally, I decided Andy and I will have separate bedrooms. It sounds bad, but I think it’s going to be awesome!

On Amuse Bouche:

I showed you how to play the AWESOMEST drinking game ever.

Andy tried to be Christian Grey.

I got you shitfaced.

I miss Weeds.

And then I got you shitfaced again, plus an ice cream headache.

Oh, and Andy posted this week about why he’s an insensitive muggle.

Now for some cool shit I saw online:

You had me at Hate Rhombus.

My new favorite site. It’s like Pinterest and Instagram doing it them having baby websites with really cool interfaces. (Pssst. You should follow me here.)

The best post about pants and airplanes to ever exist.

Since Andy purposefully ruined the comfy men’s sweatpants I’ve had since 2001, it’s only fitting they should be replaced….with these classy fellows.

To keep up with everything I love, I suggest joining me on Pinterest, Facebook, Twitter, and follow me throughout the day on Instagram!

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Years ago, I sent Andy to the store for ketchup, and he came back with that weird Heinz colored ketchup that was supposed to be fun. I smacked him on the mouth and told him to leave. Ketchup is red, and I have no idea what unnatural, car battery-like substance was used to make it purple or green, but it’s not that way in the bible, and it won’t be that way on my hamburger.

I’ve always had an aversion to foods that challenge social norms. Peanut butter and jelly in the same jar, crab in a can, seedless cucumbers….it’s all just witchcraft.

But, I have a weakness for As Seen on TV gadgets. The Magic Bullet single-handedly changed my life, and I lifted a car off a baby once wearing pajama jeans.

So when I saw Slushy Magic…

I had to have it.

Make every drink a slushy? No way. Impossible. Or is it?

$14.99 later and you are wondering, Brittany, does Slushy Magic really work?

Turns out it does. You pour whatever you want to slusherize into the cup, toss in the three magic bags of frozen ozone and polar bear blood, shake for 1-2 minutes, and BOOM. Slushy. Milk, juice, water, soda… all turned into home made little icees. 7-11 wha!?

Because I’m an envelope pusher, and frozen milk is for babies, I decided to give it the ultimate test, alcohol.

Now, with any other beverage, the shake time is easily just a minute, but since alcohol doesn’t really freeze, I decided to shake it a little extra just to be sure. I mean, it was obviously no big deal, I have Madonna arms.

Three minutes later…

Boom. Moscato slushy.

To be fair, it probably could have been shaken more to get a bit thicker and ice-like, but it was a good first try. Now you may be saying to yourself, but Brittany, why not just blend the wine with some ice, it’s way easier than shaking it? And to that I would say 1. why are you so lame, and B. this way is less watery, because it’s wine ice, not water ice. Stop making me explain Hogwarts magic to you.

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I miss Weeds so much, it hurts.

I’m an entire season behind because Andy canceled Showtime when the Tudors ended. Real conversation…

I can’t believe they canceled The Tudors, I loved that show. I’m pissed they killed him off.

They didn’t cancel it, Henry died, like in history. The show was about real life, Andy. Please read books.

He says we don’t need Showtime to watch just one show, so I am stuck watching it when it hits Netflix, which leaves me done with season 6 and still waiting for them to get season 7.

Ugh, sometimes nothing is as funny as this show.

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