In light of this week’s State of the Union Address, I thought I should maybe just come out and share something with you.

I’m…apolitical.

Kinda like being asexual, only way easier, because it doesn’t require me to know how to tie a man’s necktie.

Socially, I am what you might call, liberal, and that takes precedence for me.  My financial status is just way more Cup-O-Noodles than Scrooge McDuck, so I just simply don’t find the benefit in most conservative financial platforms.

But, the truth of it is, I don’t like much of anything that is going on.

I like gay people.

And minorities.

I would like to treat them the same exact way I treat straight people and majorities.  Which is sometimes friendly, other times so socially awkward they avoid making  eye contact and eventually ask me to stop humming My Humps by Black Eyed Peas in line at the DMV.

Guns are scary.   I should never be allowed to shoot them.  And, I would also like them never shot at me.  Unless you were shooting nachos.  But, even then, you’d need to use round chips, for safety.  That’s a no brainer.

I’d like to stop having war.  That seems like the absolute best way to support our troops.  Let’s keep them all alive and home and give them loads of money for doing all the scary shit none of the rest of us want to do.

Religion has absolutely nothing to do with my politics, and since only about 20% of the elected officials in Washington DC share my religious beliefs, I would like for your religion to also have nothing to do with my politics.

I am currently more comfortable with my kids watching Saw III, than watching a political news show on television.  Remember back in 2003 when the Dixie Chicks said they didn’t support the war, or the president, and then people fanatically shunned them and called them treasonous for bad mouthing a sitting president during a time of war?  Yeah.  What happened to that rule?  Is that like the Slug Bug rule?  It’s only in effect if you are totally high, waiting in line for your triple thick shake and curly fries at the Arby’s Drive through, until you completely forget you are even playing, because Tom Petty’s Free Falling comes on the radio?

Muslim and socialism aren’t bad words.   I also think that nobody knows what those words mean, so maybe we can have another stimulus, only instead of money, we all get dictionaries and copies of the Garden State soundtrack.

Death Panels are not real.  Much like the Chupacabra. Or Keith Richards.   The elf who lives in my panty drawer that breaks all my under wires and drains the batteries from my vibrator, however,  totally real.  I mean really.  All this can be solved by reading (borrrinnngggg).

So, here I sit, all jaded and without affiliation.

Perhaps I shall involve myself in the political process of electing the next American Idol.

The only bad thing to come of that is a new JLo album and Clay Aiken.

You’re welcome, America.

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