Dear Andy- His eye fell off. Shit be crazy. Probably, like, voodoo. I'm going to google what this means, we may need to bury the eye under a magic tree. Or burn it. I don't know, bring home a shovel and matches. This is why I wanted to buy holy water on the internet, stop [...]
Hey babe- Did you pack your lunch today? I am only asking because the lunch meat in the fridge is super old, I just haven't thrown it away yet because it would make our garbage smell, so I was waiting until trash day. Also, when is trash day? Also, there was a hawk on our [...]
Andy- Um yeah. Forget everything I said. They aren't otters, they are muskrats. I googled them and we are so fucked! I'm going to call my dad, you ask if you can borrow anyone's gun, or bow and arrow...assuming you have good aim, and wow, it just occurred to me I married you and have [...]
Dearest lover, If you ever become a zombie, I won't kill you at first, but I will lock you up and feed you all the people we both hate, until we run out of them and then, I will feed you all the people that only I hate and you feel meh about. After [...]
Dear Andrew, Do you know how I know it's time for another baby? I start thinking about buying a pet monkey that wears diapers and plays with human toys. It's monkey time. Love, Britt
Hey babe- That hole in our basement, the sump pump thing, is that deep or not deep? Could something live in it? I was just doing laundry down there and I think I heard a scratching sound under the lid! It's either an animal or a poltergeist, either way I don't want to go down [...]
Hey sweetie, I really don't want to go to the movies tonight. I am just too pregnant and I will spend the whole time crawling over you to pee. I can't sit on the ends because the floor lights are too distracting, plus my leg will go numb and then I will complain to you [...]
OMG You don't have to say yes, but can we order this? I bet it would help get a new baby to sleep.... Britt
Andy- I wiped my face on your face last night while you were sleeping. HEAR ME OUT. I did it because I am getting sick and I figured if you got sick, too, we could both take off work and snuggle. Unless I have a fever and then you can’t touch me until it breaks [...]
Hey Andrew guess what!I have an idea, let’s invent something. You think of the thing and I will work on a theme song. “something something something, best friends forever, something something, best product ever...” Does it sound weird because FOREVER and EVER don’t rhyme as much as they are the same word? Keep me [...]
