A few weeks ago, Jude lost his front teeth.

It was very dramatic, in that, he wouldn’t pull them out and insisted that no one touch them whilst they hang there by a single vein making us all collectively barf our faces off every time he spoke to us.

Then they fell out and I decided to get over my tooth phobia and enjoy this moment in time, though ill timed for any adorable Christmas songs, before his adult teeth come in.

If you’ve ever experienced a small child loosing teeth, you know that A. it’s totally jacked up, and 2. when the big ones come in, it’s like puberty of the mouth. Awkward, misshapen, and weird.

But also cute, you know? Oh look, he can’t eat corn! Or say “s” words! Or not whistle when he exhales!

And then, he lost another front-ish tooth, which I didn’t even know was allowed? He went from this adorable little toothless boy to Abe Vigoda in four seconds.


He talks weird, can’t eat anything hard, he basically has the same diet as Tami from Real World Los Angeles when she had her jaw wired shut.

And the whole Tooth Fairy process? Here’s my advice y’all, pace yourself.

They lose their first tooth, and it’s magical. Your baby is growing up, your instinct is to throw cash and glitter at it, because this is how memories are made! Don’t do that. I mean, use glitter or whatever, but give them a dollar. One dollar.

Because one tooth happens and then it’s like dominoes. Get the picture? One dollar.

Not to mention, after they lose a couple, they just get fucking cocky about it. Guess what, Magic Mike just took the stage, make it rain! Which is why, if you follow me on Facebook or Instagram, you saw this last week.

Tooth Fairy Letter

I barely remember to leave money under his pillow as is, and parenting doesn’t offer FMLA.

Seriously, Andy. I have a top medicine cabinet shelf full of dried-out teeth. Am I supposed to keep hoarding these or what?

I don’t know, I feel bad throwing them out, should we bury them?

In the ground?

Yeah, like a placenta or something?

Who the hell did you have kids with? I left all my placentas in a biohazard bag because you said they looked like Skeksis from Dark Crystal?

So for now, we’re blending Jude’s solids and keeping the teeth. Maybe one day after the Rapture happens we can use them as currency, or pass them along to Wyatt as embellishments for his dreadlocks.


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