So, what are you getting me for Christmas?


Um no, I got you Gigi already, no re-gifting.

Well, what are you getting me?

Jude, Wyatt and a gift certificate to Best Buy.

I thought we couldn’t re-gift our kids to each other?

I don’t remember ever officially giving them to you, but they play video games all day and wake up with hard-ons, so I figure, it’s time.

I have had Gigi for exactly 601 days, and I would never admit this to Andy, but when he agreed to have one more child and his magic X chromosome carrying sperm made it a girl, it was hands down, the best gift he has ever, ever given me.

Which actually isn’t a hard record to beat considering for our first anniversary together he bought me a poster size Winnie the Pooh lithograph, and for my 23rd Birthday he got me day of the week underwear and an automatic car starter.

Having a girl made me a completely different type of mother.   I don’t love Gigi more than I love Jude and Wyatt.

I just relate to her more.

I see pieces of me in my boys, but they’ll never really be me.

Gigi is me.

She screams at Andy, pulls her dress above her head when she’s tired, rolls her eyes, and says 5 words; Mama, yeah, nah, balls, and y’all.

She loves Glee, America’s Next Top Model, and Hoarders (she likes cats).

She’s like a creepy toddler sized Madame Alexander doll of myself.

I feel like, if we were able, we’d spend the whole day together, just sitting around the house in tutus, our Violent Femmes t shirts, and Andy’s tube socks, eating cold Chinese food and yelling at people on the phone.

Having a daughter is just…amazing, and totally worth the extra work of combing through her snarly hair and changing her, because Andy gave up on that when she found her vagina and kept pulling it apart like it’s talking whenever she could get her chubby little hands on it, and that freaks him out.

I however, find it hilarious, and think all little girls should have a talking vagina, especially, if, like Gigi’s, it sounds exactly like Dame Judy Dench.

Mine sounds more like Audrey Hepburn in my Fair Lady before Rex Harrison got his snooty hands on her.

I truly can’t imagine existing without Gigi in my life.

And I know, one day she’ll tell me she hates me, and sneak out her bedroom window, and probably lose her virginity to some boy I hate just to spite me, but I don’t care.

I love her girlness to pieces and no present will ever, ever top her.

But, don’t tell Andy that, it’s still fun to watch him try.

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