Yes? Ello gov'na Um... It's bloody hot in this plane, no? WTF I don't now, I was trying something out just there. I feel like my inner dialogue should have an accent. I was going for Bridget Jones. Yeah, that definitely wasn't Bridget Jones. Really? What about the second movie, the one where she gives [...]
So, I just looked at my cousin's Homecoming pictures on Facebook. The good news, she is adorable. The bad news, I am pretty sure I'm now illegitimately pregnant with the child of a 16 year old boy who looks like he doesn't shower any more and has a trucker hat on. But, it's cool, because [...]
Two things bug me: smug people and the fact that Diane Keaton insists on wearing gloves to award shows in the middle of summer.
Pregnant people are stalking me. It's like they can smell that I am done reproducing, so they waddle up to me all glowy and adorable and rub their gestation in my face. I just want a beautiful little baby growing in my belly again. Andy told me to get a tape worm. Andy's an asshole. [...]
Guess what. There are only 4 days until Christmas. And that means, if you haven't bought your gifts yet, you are so screwed, because online shopping won't get here in time, and the mall smells like a hot, sweaty, bowel movement. Now, I didn't do a gift guide like a lot of other bloggers, because [...]
Whenever I talk to Andy about my blog, he is all what blog? Or I have no idea what you are talking about? Or My name is Andy, and I am a giant fart face who thinks you need to do more crap around the house instead of writing embarrassing things on the internet that [...]
So, in case you are not keeping track, I spent the weekend moving from here... Our beloved Gilmore Girls House. One tiny, little boy pee covered bathroom. Lots and lots of spiders and old man next door who stole my paper and wore shorts so little his balls hung out the bottom. To here... New [...]
I am pretty sure MySpace is like the mafia, only with more quizzes and less shooting people in the face.
I am over MySpace. I never use it anymore. I now default to Facebook for my need to spy on the lives of others and pass judgment on ugly babies and closeted gay husbands. Plus, the emo blog posts and grainy cell phone pictures of my half naked teenage cousin remind me, I am way [...]
Sticking it to the man…who happens to be my mom…who was actually totally right…damn it. This is less fun than I thought it would be.
When I was little, I wanted NOTHING more that to take a bubble bath with Mr. Bubble. According to the commercials, the bubbles Mr. Bubble produced? Fucking bananas. But, my mom was, like, Joan Crawford about the Mr. Bubble. Nyet Mr. Bubble. She was like, girls can't use stuff like that, so, naturally, I was [...]
Jesus doesn’t frown on a lot of things, but I am pretty sure he hates airplanes. And the new Melrose Place. That show is horrible.
Next week I leave. On an airplane. This? Is where I convulse, shake uncontrollably, and then vomit on my keyboard. I just don't think it's natural for things to be floating in the air. Back in the 80's, when the news was all, we're all gonna have flying cars by the year 2000, I was [...]
Whoever said the jobs you have as teenagers don’t shape who you are as an adult was obviously a gigantic liar.
I worked at The GAP for four years in High School and College. I came away with that job with two things. First, a Pavlovian response to fold and refold my jeans whenever I hear the song Seasons of Love from Rent, 'cause you know they blared that shit every Christmas, because The GAP is [...]