Where have I been? Oh you know, making furniture. Like Jesus.

So, as you may remember, I’ve been a bit of a garage sale whore lately, hunting down some great wood pieces to refinish and introduce into my home in a way that says, hi, I’m super eclectic and artsy. Like if Zoe Dechanel and Wes Anderson had unprotected sex and birthed an ironically weathered sofa table.

So, amongst my finds was this white and powder blue pine dresser.

It had a lot of chips and this weird dark brown stain in the bottom drawer. Andy said it looked like diarrhea, but I prefer to think something was murdered in there.

Regardless, I loved the shape and really wanted to find a cool buffet like thing to toss in between my dining room and sun room, but I have mediocre crafting skills and a very short attention span, so getting this thing pretty and refinished during fall show premier season seemed like a frivolous use of my time.

Then Sunday night I realized I couldn’t sit through the Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion show without having a stroke like those kids in Asia watching those high-stimulation cartoons, so I put some pants on, headed to Home Depot, and spent a few hours wandering around trying to figure out how to make the dresser look less murder scene-like and more vintage.

Verdict? Success.

Here’s what you need:
1 Quart Behr Ultra Paint & Primer in One, Polished Pearl in Satin
1 Quart Minwax Oil Based Stain, Early American
1 Quart Minwax Oil Based Satin Finish Polyurethane
A large bristled flat paint brush for stain
Small paint pan and small roller for paint
Regular paint brush for Polyurethane
Sandpaper (fine and coarse grain)
Rubber gloves
Paper towel

Here’s what I did:

1. I removed the hardware and lightly sanded the entire thing. I am not sure this needed to happen, but I felt better about the whole drawer body fluid thing after I did it.

2. I rolled on one coat of the Behr Ultra paint. The best part about the whole paint and primer in one thing is that it gives great coverage with minimal effort. I let it dry for season 1 of Downton Abbey.

3. Next, I wanted to created a weather, paint worn look, so I took some coarse grained sandpaper and sanded the edges and corners down until the pine wood was exposed. I did this in a very random, nonuniform fashion, so it looked more natural.

3. My goal was to take this off-white weathered dresser, make it appear tea stained, and help all the sanded down wood parts stand out. So using the large flat brush, I painted a layer of stain over each section, then I put on my rubber gloves and used a paper towel to wipe down the excess and smooth out the lines. What’s going to happen is that the parts you sanded down to wood will take the stain and POP and the normal paint covered parts will look totally vintage.

Just brush the stain right over the paint.

Wipe excess stain with a paper towel, leaving a worn look.

Tip: You have a limited window to do this… I learned. Do it section by section.

4. Let it dry overnight. Stain takes forever to dry.

5. When it’s finally not moist, brush on a layer of polyurethane and let it dry for at least 8 hours.

I actually liked the old drawer pulls, so once the dresser was dry, I re-attached them and promised Jude two Fruit by the Foots to help me haul it in the house.

You would think this would motivate me to tackle all the other pieces I have to restore. And yet…. I’m watching X Factor in a work out shirt and tankini bottoms. Um, who has time to do laundry when I’m Martha Stewart’ing furniture, you guys?

Crafts also seen in the photos:
Ikea Ung Mirror. It only came in glossy black, so I spray painted it a glossy leather brown
Painted glitter pumpkins… click here for my tutorial!

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