Ohio is in year two of a total identity crisis. Under normal circumstances, we’d be pleasantly into our second month of thick snow, with no end in sight until at least May. But, while I was freezing my ass off in below freezing temps last night, today I’m glaring at melting snow everywhere and 50 degrees.

No wonder the polar bears are hungry.

My point being, for the second year in a row, I was unable to pack away any of my warm weather clothes, and spend every morning acting as the lithium to my very bi-polar closet.

Also weird? I’ve realized I only own skinny jeans and jeggings. It’s the most shocking thing ever, but I tried to wear flare jeans the other day and they felt strange on my thighs. Same with yoga pants, I bypass them for leggings every time, like the looseness of them just bunches up between my thighs like a diaper. It was suffocating my vagina.

Personal growth? I have no idea, but here’s what I wore last week.

DSC01893I have a whole drawer full of what I call, default belts. Since I gravitate toward dresses that let me create waists, they often come with generic belts, that I then tear out and replace from my own private stock. I love the shirt dress, and I wore it for the first day of taping for our new travel show. There is something sexy about walking around in a giant men’s shirt. You know, all Mad Men “we just had sex and now I’m wearing your office shirt around all sexy like,” which is a fantasy I have never been able to live in real life because Andy wears, like, a child’s size small compared to me. It’d be a Chris Farley situation. This is my current go-to dress, mostly because it’s east to wash, is comfortable no matter how much I eat, and I can wear it with bare legs or leggings.
Dress: Chambray Belted Shirt Dress, size XL, Old Navy $29.94
Belt: Brown Braided Leather Belt, size L/XL, Old Navy $14.50
Boots: Thrift Store Cowboy Boots
Necklace: Turquoise Necklace, Francescas
Clutch: Leather Clutch, Lands’ End $89

DSC01929I’m really enjoying this whole Dolman Sleeve craze right now. I have heavy arms, and I hate when things feel like they’re squeezing them, but I never entirely got the concept of short sleeved sweaters? Like dickies. Either you are wearing a sweater because you’re cold, or you’re not, stop being obnoxious. I can think of exactly zero situations that would call for a short sleeved sweater, but I fell in love with this green cowl neck, and decided to layer it with an Oatmeal colored long underwear shirt. It’s now in the weekly day time rotation.
Sweater: Alpaca Cowl Neck Sweater, size 1X, Lands’ End $69.99
Undershirt: Thermal Men’s Undershirt, size XL, Walmart
Jeans: Rockstar Skinny Jeans, size 14, Old Navy $34.50
Boots: Brown Valencia, Fitzwell $117.99

DSC01901A few weeks ago I went to NYC with Lucky Jeans, as they launched a new plus size line, and the amazing jean designer was all, do you have a pair of black jeans, and I was like, um no it’s not the 90’s, and he was all, oh honey, every girl needs a pair of black jeans, and then I rolled my eyes at him, because no. To me, black jeans feel like one of those rare denim unicorns that only celebrities can pull off, like when they wear jeans with an entirely different wash of denim shirt; they look awesome, I look like I fell out of a Lisa Frank ad. Then I tried them on. Ladies… every girl needs a pair of black jeans. And a Big Lebowski sweater.
Sweater: Oversized Cardigan, size XXL, Old Navy
Cami: Grey Cami, size XL, Target $8
Jeans: Ginger Skinny Jean, size 16, Lucky $99 (Psst, you can find cheaper ones to try at Old Navy)
Boots: Black Valencia, Fitzwell $127.99
Necklace: Turquoise Pendant, Old Navy

Spanx CollageFirst, let’s talk about the dress. I wore this dress to the wrap party for our pilot episode of Have Boobs Will Travel. In my life, I would have never bought this dress, it’s too straight and too fitted in the areas I just simply can’t do fitted. I know my shape, and I know what I can pull off. I found the dress in this random indie boutique around Gigi’s dance studio, and somewhere between me picking it up to examine the pattern and then being horrendously late for ballet pick-up, the shop owner talked me into buying it. Under normal circumstances, I am too lumpy for this dress, but guess what, bitches wear shapewear, and this bitch? She wears two forms of it. Which I why you see me there… in my Spanx…. on the internet. This is the reality. Pulling this dress off required bra-high old lady compression underwear, and then one of those stretchy compression slips. Sorry Andy, you wanna have sex with me after a night in this dress, I’m going to need you to turn the volume of the tv up super high and leave me alone in the bathroom for 10 minutes with a bottle of Gatorade.
Dress: MT Collection Peacock Dress, size XL, Passion 4 Fashion Boutique
Shoes: Taupe Wedge, Target $14.99
Bracelet: Cleopatra Mesh Cuff, Francescas $22
Shapewear: Assets Half Slip (size 1X, Target, $34), Spanx High Power Brief (Lane Bryant, $36)

DSC01925Confession: I collect and wear ridiculous t-shirts. Seriously, I rarely talk about it, but I have a whole collection of funny, ironic and obscure pop culture shirts that I wear, on the regular. Not that it’s surprising, I was the first person in my town to rock a Duck Head, Duck Tail t-shirt. Anyone? Oh, and in other retro-fad news, I like tucking just the corner of my shirt in. Mindy Kahling promises me it’s fashionable on, like, every episode of her show.
Shirt: Whorecrux Tee, size XL, Skreened $29.99
Jeans: Rockstar Skinny Jeans, size 14, Old Navy $34.50
Boots: Black Type Z Mamie Boot, 6pm.com $44.50

DSC01934I wore this outfit to date night two days ago, and for some reason, Andy loves it. I remember learning a while back that your pants should end at the thinnest part of your leg. For me, that would be the ankle, as I have crazy thick thighs. This rules out calf length capris and shorts. I don’t normally do the whole skinny jeans with booties thing, but I love these shoes, have no flare jeans left, and decided to take the chance. I paired them with a plain old white button up shirt and then gobs of colorful jewelry, the perfect balance of androgyny with a touch of fem.
Shirt: Mossimo White Button-Up, size XXL, Target $22
Jeans: Rockstar Skinny Jeans, size 16, Old Navy $34.50
Belt: Brown Braided Leather Belt, size L/XL, Old Navy $14.50
Shoes: Brown Suede Wedge Bootie, ShoeDazzle $39
Necklace: Emerald Green Necklace, Fancescas
Bracelets: Cleopatra Mesh Cuff, Mustard Beaded Bracelet and Gold Disc Bracelet (Old Navy)

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