I find that when you are up at 4 am, things happen that maybe wouldn’t happen at say…6am. The crazy things that go on my head that early, make my 6am self just wants to kick the shit out of my 4 am self. It starts with a bit of self pity, that quickly rolls into bouts of hypochondria, anxiety and mounds of ridiculous, irrational worry.

My 4am thought process.

1. My stomach hurts, and I am starving. But, seriously, I ate so much yesterday how can I even be hungry? What if I have a tapeworm living in my intestine (yeah, so I have been obsessed with tapeworms ever since I saw an ad for a show about them Discovery Health. I did not watch the show, and have no knowledge about tapeworms, but I feel like since they are doing a whole show on them, the threat must be mounting.)? OMG, I wish 8am would hurry up and get here so I could call the Doctor. What if they have to admit me to the hospital. I am not going. They are just gonna have to fight this massive tapeworm in my intestine on an outpatient basis. Period. Ugh, I wish House had done an episode on tapeworms, so at least I would know what kind of fight I was up against.

False alarm. I just ate a brownie and I am feeling much better. Plus I just googled tapeworms (do. not. do. this.) and I do not have one of those. That was scary.

2. I have got to go to the store today. I was just in the kitchen, and all we have to eat are brownies, a couple of steaks and a giant 1 gallon can of beans (the SUPER clever gift I wrapped up for hubby this Christmas to convey to him that, surprise, we are going to Boston. Get it? In hindsight…I think I overshot things a bit.), so while I may be all set….what’s the baby gonna eat? Damn it. I hate going to the store. Does anyone else think it’s weird they play a muzak version of Weezer’s “The Sweater Song?” I am already getting anxiety about the self checkout. Why does it always say to put the item in the bag, when I ALREADY did?! Stupid machine. Why are robots taking over?

3. How long are they going to make America Ferrera wear braces on Ugly Betty? I went to high school with a boy nicknamed Snaggletooth who wore braces for less time than her. Does this show have some sort of hidden orthodontic agenda? Can she at least be Ugly Betty with a retainer? I just feel, that for the purposes of maintaining some realistic integrity, she would be in a retainer by now. I should write someone at ABC a strongly worded email about that today. Yes. Yes I will.

4. Ok, so I was just upstairs staring at, er glaring, er…checking in on hubby who is sound asleep (nothing creepy about me this morning.). That must be nice, to just be able to sleep , blissfully ignorant to everything (potential tapeworms…HELLO!). It’s ok hubby, you just sleep, I’ll be the martyr. I’ll stay up with the crying baby and worry about the well being of this family. I’ll sit here, struggling to stay awake as I surf cnn.com and webmd (not perezhilton.com) to make sure this family stays safe and healthy. This is my cross to bear.

5. I am so glad I held onto those flannel shirts, dark tights, baby doll dresses and heavy black boots…I really have feeling 90’s grunge is gonna come back this year in a BIG way.

6. I really hope Britney can pull it together. The next 14 days are going to be rough. Who’s gonna step in and walk barefoot through every drugstore and gas station bathroom in Hollywood? Even I draw the barefoot line somewhere. She must have the worst case of athlete’s foot. Remind me to never share shoes with her. Now she probably has tapeworm. You can’t walk barefoot and live on a diet of old cheetos, White Castle, and chewing tobacco and not have a tapeworm.

7. Do they really give you rabies shots in the stomach? I remember my dad telling me that when I was little, but I am not sure if that was true, or he just wanted me to stop bring chipmunks into the house. Gosh they bite hard, but they were SO cute. Why did they have to fight living in my doll house so bad? It had a pool even!? Idiot chipmunks. I should google rabies shots, but I already have too many tabs open. I will just go with it. It sounds scary enough, and I DO NOT want chipmunks in my house. Wow…that’s ironic.

8. I think BMI and height weight ratio is a load of crap. From now on, I will judge my body mass on whether or not I can fit into my husbands pants. His sweats, yes. His jeans, no….damn it. What woman marries a guy who is thinner than they are? I swear to God, if he ever puts my pants on by mistake and says something about them being too baggy, I will effing kill him on the spot. Ugh, I need move the treadmill near a wall outlet.

9. I think I am going to home school. It’s the safest way to go. Plus we can all wear pajamas all day. That seems like the best part. I used to think that only crazy people with 12 kids home schooled, but now I realize the parents were probably just really tired. Who wants to get up to go to take your kids to school. Not me. I should start looking for a chalkboard and little desks.

10. I think my dog just rolled his eyes at me. Whatever, pug.

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