Um, I’m sorry…here I am wanting to tell you some ridiculous story and then give away some asinine object that probably only I care about…but I can’t because I am crying my eyes out, because yes, THIS. THIS HAPPENED.
How on Earth I convinced such a wonderful man to marry me, is beyond me.
So, ok. Well. Hi. I’m thirty.
I have no idea what today will bring, other than, you know, peeking in my garage about fifty times, because I have never owned anything so pretty, ever.
I will also probably be driving all over the place screaming NOBODY TOUCH THE LEATHER OMG IF YOU SPILL ANYTHING I AM THROWING YOU OUT OF THE MOVING VEHICLE I SWEAR TO GOD. It should be fun, thank God gas is so cheap.
When I was in high school, I remember putting $3.50 in my tank, paid with quarters, and it would last me a week. The future is no where near as fun as Michael J Fox made it sound.
Way to be lame and economically challenging, thirty.
And loud. I got up at 3am to pee today and my hip clicked the entire way to the toilet.
So, it’s officially been 30 years, and the best advice I can offer you is…
1. Stay away from empire waist shirts that tie in the back
2. Only buy spanx that come up to your bra line. Seriously. Anything shorter than that, and everyone will know you’re wearing spanx. And, we’ll all feel bad for you.
3. All Bill Murray movies are good.
4. Cilantro ruins everything but guacamole.
5. If you have to be chubby, be tan and chubby.
Number five is the only reason I leave the house. I have been blessed with the natural skin tone of the people under the stairs. I am so pale, you can see the platelets moving around under my skin.
I feel prettier when I am tan. And, skinnier. And, younger.
But, I’m also a hypochondriac covered in moles, so marrying my need for color with my need to not die of cancer is tricky.
Enter, sunless tanning.
I started spray tanning about 6 years ago. It was instant gratification, but the booths made me look half still pale-half Pakistani. So, I eventually graduated to someone who airbrushed it on. The coverage was more even and natural looking, but getting naked in front of someone sucked.
Plus, I was dishing out $30 every 10 days for someone to airbrush color into all my crevices. That gets pricey.
So, I priced some airbrush tanning kits online, and quickly saw I could totally save money by doing this myself in the comfort of my own bathroom, where I don’t have to suck in my stomach or pretend there isn’t a woman’s head all up in my clitoris spray painting my inner thighs.
I bought my spray tanner five years ago, I use it almost every two weeks, and it’s one of my most favorite possessions.
I save so much money, and after some trial and error, spray tanning your self is super quick and easy.
And, I know Donald Trump and Snookie give us a bad name, but I happen to think it looks totally natural!
Awesome, right? I am endlessly talking people into buying their own machines, and they are always totally happy, right Kel?
So, in the spirit of weird ass shit that I totally love and have decided to giveaway this week, I am excited to offer you your very own airbrish tanning system!
The kit comes with compressor, airbrush, sample solution, carrying case and OMG YES instructions.
So, I am off to check my magnifying mirror for wrinkles and liver spots, and probably eat a cake or two.
It depends on how filling the wine is.
Happy Birthday to me!
This giveaway runs today only, ending tonight at 12am EST. One (1) winner will be randomly selected, and the prize delivered to them upon confirmation of winning within 24 hours. You may leave as many comments as you want, make sure you use a valid email address.