Um, I’m sorry…here I am wanting to tell you some ridiculous story and then give away some asinine object that probably only I care about…but I can’t because I am crying my eyes out, because yes, THIS. THIS HAPPENED.
How on Earth I convinced such a wonderful man to marry me, is beyond me.
So, ok. Well. Hi. I’m thirty.
It happened.
I have no idea what today will bring, other than, you know, peeking in my garage about fifty times, because I have never owned anything so pretty, ever.
I will also probably be driving all over the place screaming NOBODY TOUCH THE LEATHER OMG IF YOU SPILL ANYTHING I AM THROWING YOU OUT OF THE MOVING VEHICLE I SWEAR TO GOD. It should be fun, thank God gas is so cheap.
When I was in high school, I remember putting $3.50 in my tank, paid with quarters, and it would last me a week. The future is no where near as fun as Michael J Fox made it sound.
Way to be lame and economically challenging, thirty.
And loud. I got up at 3am to pee today and my hip clicked the entire way to the toilet.
So, it’s officially been 30 years, and the best advice I can offer you is…
1. Stay away from empire waist shirts that tie in the back
2. Only buy spanx that come up to your bra line. Seriously. Anything shorter than that, and everyone will know you’re wearing spanx. And, we’ll all feel bad for you.
3. All Bill Murray movies are good.
4. Cilantro ruins everything but guacamole.
5. If you have to be chubby, be tan and chubby.
Number five is the only reason I leave the house. I have been blessed with the natural skin tone of the people under the stairs. I am so pale, you can see the platelets moving around under my skin.
I feel prettier when I am tan. And, skinnier. And, younger.
But, I’m also a hypochondriac covered in moles, so marrying my need for color with my need to not die of cancer is tricky.
Enter, sunless tanning.
I started spray tanning about 6 years ago. It was instant gratification, but the booths made me look half still pale-half Pakistani. So, I eventually graduated to someone who airbrushed it on. The coverage was more even and natural looking, but getting naked in front of someone sucked.
Plus, I was dishing out $30 every 10 days for someone to airbrush color into all my crevices. That gets pricey.
So, I priced some airbrush tanning kits online, and quickly saw I could totally save money by doing this myself in the comfort of my own bathroom, where I don’t have to suck in my stomach or pretend there isn’t a woman’s head all up in my clitoris spray painting my inner thighs.
I bought my spray tanner five years ago, I use it almost every two weeks, and it’s one of my most favorite possessions.
(In case you are wondering, I use this system and this solution.)
I save so much money, and after some trial and error, spray tanning your self is super quick and easy.
And, I know Donald Trump and Snookie give us a bad name, but I happen to think it looks totally natural!
Awesome, right? I am endlessly talking people into buying their own machines, and they are always totally happy, right Kel?
So, in the spirit of weird ass shit that I totally love and have decided to giveaway this week, I am excited to offer you your very own airbrish tanning system!
The kit comes with compressor, airbrush, sample solution, carrying case and OMG YES instructions.
So, I am off to check my magnifying mirror for wrinkles and liver spots, and probably eat a cake or two.
It depends on how filling the wine is.
Happy Birthday to me!
This giveaway runs today only, ending tonight at 12am EST. One (1) winner will be randomly selected, and the prize delivered to them upon confirmation of winning within 24 hours. You may leave as many comments as you want, make sure you use a valid email address.
SUUUH-WEEET!!! & Happy Happy Birthday!!!!!! hey, thirties rock. And you are a kick and a half, so I have no doubt –you, will rock them hard. :)
Thanks for givin cool stuff away when it’s your day!
& enjoy your new car:)
Happy Birthday and oh my gosh, I’m so pale and this would be fabulous.
Leaving a second comment, just for good measure.
Your hubby rocks! What he wrote made me tear up, your lucky to have him, I hope you had a wonderful day and I hope you have many many more just as grand!
Happy 30th!!! As someone who will be 36 this year, I can attest that your 30’s really are awesome. Love the new ride too! Oh, and I am the palest Floridian ever and I live 5 miles from the beach.
Amy G
So awesome! Happy day to you.
Please pick me! I am chubby, love to be tan, fear the cancer! I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this machine!
Happy birthday and Congrats on your new car…It’s gorgeous!
I always laugh at your blog (nothing new no doubt) but today’s post was especially funny considering I’ve gone the route of airbrush tanning and absolutely hated it for the same reason as you! (I couldn’t have expressed it as eloquently as you though, you have such a way with words. :)
Spanx are awesome and empire waist shirts are the devil.
[email protected]
Love your blog :) And hey-30 isn’t so bad. Well, actually, my pores suddenly got larger, my body got creekier, and I require more sleep. And I am only three months in. Huh. Maybe we are getting old…er
Happy birthday!!!
My family celebrated my 30th by filling my laundry room (that I have to walk through from the garage to get in my house) with balloons, sticking post-its with “30” written on them all over everything (that we’re still finding 2 1/2 years later), and putting confetti on top of my ceiling fan blades so that there was a nice shower of it all over the room when we turned it on. Good times.
from one white Ohio gal to another! Happy bday!
Happy Birthday — I’d LOVE to be 30 again!!! ENJOY it girl — it goes fast ;)
i just celebrated 27 yesterday and realized that means i’m in my late 20’s—ugh. 30 seems so far but i know it is just around the corner, happy birthday!
This airbrush thing is like an epiphany for me. How have I never done this? I feel sooo much better with a tan, and go through stages of accepting and then shunning the tanning beds every couple of years. I hope I win this, but if I don’t I am totally buying it.
Happy birthday!
I totally want the tanning thing!
I will fightchu over the cilantro comment! no not really but it’s SO tasty in sweet potato black bean burritos.
Or the car will do too. Don’t suppose you are giving that away??? :)
Sunday is MY 30th birthday so I think it is only fair that I win the self tanner!
You’re the best for giving this away! Hopefully to me!!!
Happy Birthday! Your husband is awesome and I happen to think you are funny as hell and one of my favorite bloggers!
Happy 30th Birthday and you look incredible!
I need that spray tan system in my life immediately. So I can mainly spray tan my son and enter him in pageants.
HAPPY EFFING BIRTHDAY!
Andy’s gift to you made me cry. Happy birthday to my favorite blog author. You’re amazing.
Pick me!!!!
I want one of these so bad!!!!
I will love you forever!!
Oh and Happy birthday!!
Oh yes, I need a tan so bad. Love the platelet comment. You kill me.
happy birthday!!!!
Happy Birthday and congrats on the sweet ride!
Happy Birthday! I love looking tan!
OMG Did you already pick a winner? Im chubby and in need of being tan… and desperately afraid of getting skin cancer, which has kept me away from going tanning.
Happy Birthday! Congrats on the new whip!
I should probably leave another comment, in case you are still counting comments for the spray tan kit. I could use some color. :)
HaPpY HaPpY BiRtHdAy!
You have the same birthday as TWO of my children! Happy Birthday
Happy birthday, enjoy the ride–figuratively and literally!
Happy Birthday!!!
How awesome! I didn’t even know there was such a thing that you could do at home. At 44 I probably need to start watching how much time I spend in the sun. But, I love a tan and the only alternative in my small town are tanning beds, which I won’t do. Hmmmm. Anyway, Happy Birthday!
I smell a new mother-daughter bonding session over wine and spray tans if I win this kit because there is absolutely no way I could have a spray tanner and NOT have her call me every two weeks to come spray her down too. (And she’s evil enough to bribe me with wine and finger foods – two things I can NOT resist. Oh and the fact that she both birthed and raised me. Can’t really say no after that bomb gets dropped!)
Happy Birthday! In my teens, I laid out on my desk religiously every summer. I was the color of a leather boot. Sometime in my 20s, I wised up and have been deathly pale ever since, but I would love to airbrush myself.
I need a tan! If only to hide the spider veins. *Sigh*
OMG I’m the whitest white girl on the planet. Including that Tilda lady who is freakishly pale.
Therefore, I am in desperate need of a self-tanner that will not make me embarrass myself in front of a judgemental 17 year old with an awesome real tan and body. Thanks. :) ps…I absolutely adore your blog!!
Happy birthday! Spray tanning rocks, I’m glad I’m not the only one that does it!!!
Oh and by the way, it does wonders for the self esteem of this 30 week prego:)
Happy Birthday.
I’m too late….but I think it is only fair to tell you that I am ghostly white as well, since we never get outside here in the Rockies. It snowed TODAY, April 29th. And it won’t be the last time. The only upside: I can go without shaving my legs a lot longer.
http://www.alotoflayers.blogspot.com
Hi –
I would love to know which system you use. The link you included no longer works and I really want to invest in a good one! Also – do you spray your face when tanning?
Thanks!