Hot pants.

By |2017-06-14T15:09:11-04:00October 6th, 2008|My Life, Parenting|

Ya know what, Target guy, I know I look like a crazy person pushing a cart of screaming boys, wearing a black turtleneck sweater, red booty shorts with "HO HO HO" on the butt, and black boots with knee high Hello Kitty socks, but listen to me, look into my eyes, if you don't go [...]


By |2011-06-19T19:22:13-04:00October 2nd, 2008|Parenting|

Hello.What's with the shaking and convulsing, you ask?Oh you know, just the after effects of my morning starvation diet in preparation for my 1 hour of fuckinghell glucose test.Not familiar?Oh, it's what us pregnant types do to make sure we don't get gestational diabetes, so that I may guiltlessly continue on with my diet of [...]

It’s alive!

By |2017-06-14T16:18:54-04:00September 24th, 2008|Parenting, Pop Culture Addiction|

I woke up today and realized I can't remember the last time I brushed my kid's teeth. Or shaved under my arms. Or, for that matter, left the house. But, my hair looks fierce, in that tousled Vicky Secret kind of way, and my boobs are way hot. I totally need to vacuum though. And [...]

Grounded until your water breaks.

By |2017-06-14T15:09:49-04:00September 19th, 2008|Parenting|

Yesterday I had my first appointment with the nurse, the one where she rattles of a million medieval diseases, I nod no to them all, she gives me a captain's log worth of blood work scripts, and sends me on my way with a huge bag full of free shit...which is the only reason I [...]


By |2011-06-19T19:32:23-04:00September 17th, 2008|Marriage, Parenting|

It is 8:30 am. I am eating a cold chicken burrito from Chipotle. In bed. No beans. Extra rice. Extra guac. It could be because I woke up starving and if I did not immediately eat something rightfuckingnow I would throw up right then and there in bed, and instead of bringing me crackers or [...]

My thoughts on Sarah Palin

By |2017-06-14T15:10:06-04:00September 14th, 2008|Parenting|

Ugh. Just kidding. But, seriously, my nipples hurt. Bad. I mean, don't get me wrong, the first trimester graces you with boobs to rival Playboy, but it comes at a cost. If so much as the wind hits them, they bleed and fall off. I have spent the last 2 hours in my room trying [...]

The Pregnant Pause.

By |2011-06-19T19:35:13-04:00September 7th, 2008|Parenting|

People my husband has told we are pregnant: His friends, his brother, his barber, the guy who changed the oil in our car, and the 12 year old next door neighbor who asked why she saw me throwing up in the backyard.People my husband has not told yet: His parents.This is not surprising. The last [...]

I think I am on a boat….of doom.

By |2011-06-19T19:35:35-04:00September 5th, 2008|Musings, Parenting|

Sorry. Puke. Must update. Need help. Enter Allison. Say hi to her. Now. It gives me strength. Must. Vomit. Godspeed.Dear Friends of Brittany's Blog-I'm here today because Brittany has been feeling under the weather. It is most likely due to the start of college football season, which has led to some sort of sick, queasy [...]

I saw Jesus in Ikea

By |2017-06-14T15:10:23-04:00September 2nd, 2008|Parenting|

Ikea is not a store, Ikea is a big fucking chore.The parking process is like fucking Disney World, which is annoying to me, as I hate parking...and walking...especially with two kids and a mother who can't contain herself. She very well may have wet herself at the big gawdy blue and gold Graceland entrance.Mom, it's [...]

Walnuts goes to the fair

By |2011-06-19T19:36:20-04:00August 31st, 2008|Parenting|

1. I rarely offer advice...out loud. Sure, I will bad mouth and judge the fuck out of you in my head, but out loud? Not so much. Mostly because I am a giant pussy, I can't run that fast, plus my ankle always gives out due to an old soccer injury.But. I will share this [...]