Dakota Fanning Mattress.

By |2012-09-17T11:42:36-04:00September 17th, 2012|Marriage, Musings, Parenting|

We got a new mattress, and it's basically the most exciting thing that has ever happened in our seven year marriage. We aren't even having sex in it because we have this crazy new mattress narcolepsy every time we lay on it. The first night we had it I woke up at 3am fully clothed, [...]

Hola Texas! Soy Virgin.

By |2012-07-18T20:12:33-04:00July 18th, 2012|Musings, Travel|

I just spent the week in Texas with my friend Shauna. I met Shauna a few years ago in New York City. We were sitting in a hotel room with a bunch of friends, and she was holding Gigi, who was just a baby at the time, when I looked over to find her dripping [...]

Blanket Apology

By |2012-06-11T21:11:26-04:00June 11th, 2012|Musings, Parenting|

Growing up, I lived in a house with a minimum of 3-4 animals at a time. My mom was always taking in animals, and at one point even had a room with over 100 bearded dragons. Seriously. Having friends over was stressful and required hours of prep work; vacuuming up hair, lighting smelly candles, lint-rolling [...]

Assumptions are for Assholes.

By |2011-12-08T21:51:14-04:00December 8th, 2011|Musings|

Midnight grocery trips have become a weekly treat for me.  The kids are asleep, so I sneak out and let Andy hold the fort down.  I listen to music without kazoos, I get to put my purse in the baby seat area of the cart, the store is basically deserted, and I don't have to [...]

Patriotic.

By |2011-09-28T11:41:31-04:00September 28th, 2011|Mental Health, Musings|

This is  a totally true story, though I changed the name of the person involved so I don't get assassinated or my voter card taken away, if they even do that, I'm not sure, but I think really stupid people vote all the time, so I should probably be fine.  Plus, wouldn't the REAL punishment NOT being [...]

My Golden Mother’s Day.

By |2011-06-19T12:48:16-04:00May 9th, 2011|Musings, Parenting|

Mother's Day this year was extra special, as it fell on the day I actually became a mother. My golden Mother's Day, if you will. Sunday, Jude turned five.  That's a whole hand of age. In three pushes, that boy transformed me into a mom, thus ensuring I could never again wear low rise jeans, [...]

The talk.

By |2011-06-19T13:09:19-04:00February 21st, 2011|Mental Health, Musings, Parenting|

There is absolutely nothing I love more than talking about intercourse and vaginas with my father. (sarcasm.) When I switched to public high school, he sat me down to tell me that if I ever took my bra off I'd get pregnant, and that speaking to boys was an invitation for rape or marriage. Since [...]

Fat girl. Skinny jeans.

By |2017-06-14T12:21:03-04:00February 2nd, 2011|Body, Fashion, Jeans, Musings|

I was never cut out for the convent. I matured very early. The boobs, while not ideal for God's work, were perfect for getting me teased through junior high and felt up in high school. But, they came with a price. A foundation made of huge thighs. I have been called thunder thighs exactly two [...]

It takes a village.

By |2013-11-21T19:31:27-04:00February 1st, 2011|Musings, Parenting|

One. Two. Three. Three reasons why today, I'm wearing the same leggings I wore yesterday.  And the day before that.  And the day before that. Three reasons why we're having cereal for dinner, we need a new plunger, I'll be working past bedtime, and I have to wash the rug next to the toilet.  Again. [...]

It’s not you. It’s me.

By |2012-03-05T09:26:39-04:00November 4th, 2010|Mental Health, Musings|

I was never really good at breaking up with people. To this day, I have trouble with confrontation. Unless it's a situation where I am provoked in some way, most the time, I just pity the other person to a point where I make up lies to hurt their feelings less. Fourteen years ago I [...]