Barring some form of sudden disfigurement, I don't ever want to get plastic surgery on my face. I saw some surgery show once when I was little. A woman was getting her jowls tightened and they peeled her whole face off. I couldn't eat Spaghetti O's for months after that. No matter how many wrinkles [...]
Hey. If any of you are looking for those guys from high school that played tons of sports, didn't own a t-shirt without the sleeves cut off, pushed people into lockers, or harassed classmates because they looked "fat," "geeky," "dykey" or "faggy?" Relax. Because, I totally found them! They are coaching my sons' tee-ball league. [...]
Hey. *poke* Andy. *poke poke* WHAT. So what are you getting me for my birthday? It's a surprise. That's what people say when they don't really have a gift yet. Right? Nope. Will I like it? Uh huh. Will I love it? Sure. Will I like it more than the kids? I would hope not. [...]
In eight whole days....I turn 29. I am going to save my drunken age induced spazz out for another time, and instead, focus on the other part of birthdays. Gifts. I am not sure what age I am supposed to stop expecting gifts for my birthday. My mom doesn't expect gifts for her birthday. Oh [...]
I grew up in the country. We didn't really have neighbors in the sense that people could see into our windows or hear us dicking around outside. The neighbors I had where an acre away and we were related to them. Think...Kennedy Compound, only less Kennedy and more Clampett. So when I came home after [...]
I am not one of those people who ever hated high school. I had a pretty sweet deal most of the time. I had great friends, a boyfriend, I played soccer and was on student council, sang in Glee, I had the lead in high school Musicals, and was on the newspaper and secretary of [...]
Sticking it to the man…who happens to be my mom…who was actually totally right…damn it. This is less fun than I thought it would be.
When I was little, I wanted NOTHING more that to take a bubble bath with Mr. Bubble. According to the commercials, the bubbles Mr. Bubble produced? Fucking bananas. But, my mom was, like, Joan Crawford about the Mr. Bubble. Nyet Mr. Bubble. She was like, girls can't use stuff like that, so, naturally, I was [...]
Whoever said the jobs you have as teenagers don’t shape who you are as an adult was obviously a gigantic liar.
I worked at The GAP for four years in High School and College. I came away with that job with two things. First, a Pavlovian response to fold and refold my jeans whenever I hear the song Seasons of Love from Rent, 'cause you know they blared that shit every Christmas, because The GAP is [...]
If I wrote my memoirs, only one page would have words on it, and the rest would be pictures of dragons.
My 10 year high school reunion is 2 months away, and with that date hanging ominously over my head, it's hard to come up with a post that doesn't touch on how incredibly old I feel these days, and how that aforementioned oldness is effecting my life. I would like to think that I am [...]
Today I am 28. My golden birthday. I would love to find myself in a booth somewhere eating a whole lobster and downing Blue Moons. But, alas, that is not in the cards at this point. But soon. Very, very soon. So today, in place of my yummy beer and lobster fest, I am having...umm...well, [...]