It’s April, my birthday month, which is also the start of a marathon mind fuck surrounding things like mortality and the afterlife and if Hunger Games time will come before or after I am gone. […]
I think one of the scariest parts of my marriage, for Andy, is the knowledge that I am always four seconds from being ready and willing to move to a commune. I blame my parents. There are entire photo albums of me laying on patchwork quilts on the grass next to five or six other [...]
It's that time of year. The time, before heading off to the graduation parties of relatives that were young, like, four seconds ago, and I sit there holding a foam plate of pasta salad mentally doing the math on just how fucking old I am now and how fucking long it's been since I've graduated [...]
Andy and I are the same age. Born a mere 23 days apart. But if you ask Jude, our math savant son... Andy is 32. I am 30. So, fine, I lied about my age to my six year old son who could give all of zero fucks about the number. But, I cared and [...]
By the time I was 14, I knew my way around a boy. Kissing, groping, dry humping...hello, Jordan Catalano in the rain, motivation enough for a girl to find her way around a pant bulge or two. You know, everything except that whole all the way sort of thing. It wasn’t for lack of trying, [...]
I think we balance our friend and parent hats really well. That's not to say we aren't shit at canceling at the last minute due to sitter issues or fevers or projectile vomit or sometimes absolute exhaustion and a lack of clean pants, but when we are present, we're fucking awesome. We don't pull out [...]
Yesterday I came home from the store to find a deflated mylar balloon in the tree next to my driveway. I pulled it out, because after our recent raccoon uprising, I feel the need to restore balance and look like I am attempting to keep animals alive and healthy. Plus, I accidentally hit a goose [...]
When I was 14, I shaved a boy's eyebrows off. It is, to this day, the absolutely meanest, most horrific thing I have ever done. Joe had a locker directly across from mine in the freshman hallway, and two days before Halloween, I overheard him telling a boy I really, really liked that I would [...]
I didn't get corpse tendons put in my ankles in 1996. Despite my mom's best efforts, I ignored my need for surgery. What if the anesthesia doesn't work, and I feel everything, and I can't scream or tell anyone, and I am trapped in my own mind? I'll be on crutches for weeks, and there [...]
I remember the game. We were playing Bowling Green, I was coming down the left side. Slide tackled. I tried to stand back up, but my left ankle buckled unnaturally inward. My friend Tom carried me from the field. My foot just dangled there. I cried the whole way to the hospital. I think. I [...]
