It’s April, my birthday month, which is also the start of a marathon mind fuck surrounding things like mortality and the afterlife and if Hunger Games time will come before or after I am gone. […]
It's that time of year. The time, before heading off to the graduation parties of relatives that were young, like, four seconds ago, and I sit there holding a foam plate of pasta salad mentally doing the math on just how fucking old I am now and how fucking long it's been since I've graduated [...]
Andy and I are the same age. Born a mere 23 days apart. But if you ask Jude, our math savant son... Andy is 32. I am 30. So, fine, I lied about my age to my six year old son who could give all of zero fucks about the number. But, I cared and [...]
By the time I was 14, I knew my way around a boy. Kissing, groping, dry humping...hello, Jordan Catalano in the rain, motivation enough for a girl to find her way around a pant bulge or two. You know, everything except that whole all the way sort of thing. It wasn’t for lack of trying, [...]
Yesterday I came home from the store to find a deflated mylar balloon in the tree next to my driveway. I pulled it out, because after our recent raccoon uprising, I feel the need to restore balance and look like I am attempting to keep animals alive and healthy. Plus, I accidentally hit a goose [...]
When I was 14, I shaved a boy's eyebrows off. It is, to this day, the absolutely meanest, most horrific thing I have ever done. Joe had a locker directly across from mine in the freshman hallway, and two days before Halloween, I overheard him telling a boy I really, really liked that I would [...]
I didn't get corpse tendons put in my ankles in 1996. Despite my mom's best efforts, I ignored my need for surgery. What if the anesthesia doesn't work, and I feel everything, and I can't scream or tell anyone, and I am trapped in my own mind? I'll be on crutches for weeks, and there [...]
I remember the game. We were playing Bowling Green, I was coming down the left side. Slide tackled. I tried to stand back up, but my left ankle buckled unnaturally inward. My friend Tom carried me from the field. My foot just dangled there. I cried the whole way to the hospital. I think. I [...]
Barring some form of sudden disfigurement, I don't ever want to get plastic surgery on my face. I saw some surgery show once when I was little. A woman was getting her jowls tightened and they peeled her whole face off. I couldn't eat Spaghetti O's for months after that. No matter how many wrinkles [...]
Hey. If any of you are looking for those guys from high school that played tons of sports, didn't own a t-shirt without the sleeves cut off, pushed people into lockers, or harassed classmates because they looked "fat," "geeky," "dykey" or "faggy?" Relax. Because, I totally found them! They are coaching my sons' tee-ball league. [...]
