Because I am feeling very zen and therapeutic at the moment (or that could totally be the xanax talking), I decided to write a letter to myself at age 18. Obviously, this was not that long ago for me, ahem, but it is none the less relevant to my inner growth process…plus I am drinking wine and cleaning out my photo box, but hey, ya get what ya get.

So, read it.

Then show me yours…why does that always sound dirty when I say it?!

Dear 18 year old Brittany,

First of all…take it easy with the glitter. I mean really, only hookers on New Years wear that much glitter. Bonnie Bell’s target audience is 6 year olds, not drunk college freshman, no one is going to think you look sparkly in that gutter of a bar you insist on going to because they serve underage drunk girls.

Alright, so there is so much I want to tell you, but I feel like maybe I shouldn’t, because even though it totally will suck at the time, I think it makes you/me stronger…so how about I only warn and enlighten you about the super important things?

1. First, you were so totally right. College was a blast…a blur, but a blast none the less. It was a great experience, but you should have listened to your gut. You don’t need to go. You know what you want to do, so do it, quit wasting time, and write damn it. Oh, and when you get this totally sweet ass internship with the local ABC News affiliate, try to not say y’all on air, and do not wax your lip. I know you are going to think you need to, because all those news girls are waxed to within an inch from death, but don’t do it. You do not have a mustache, and you are only sentencing yourself to a lifetime of upkeep.

2. Sure, runaway from that one horse town. Go away to some big city promising big dreams and paved roads. Enjoy it. Try sushi, you’ll love it, and contrary to what your father told you, it totally doesn’t give you tape worms, he’s such a liar. Go to dance clubs, take taxis, visit museums and come home from a night on the town not smelling like a bonfire or chewing tobacco. Make those memories because all too soon, you’ll realize you really don’t like it that much. Not everyone needs to leave home to be somebody, ya know. You belong where you are from, there is nothing wrong with one horse towns. Plus, we both know how much you love corn fields.

3. Stop with this Carson Daly crush, he is a complete tool. Jennifer Love Hewitt dumped him for a reason, so quit fake reciting your Carson Daly wedding vows in your head, it’s totally weird, and I am pretty sure he’s gay…or wait, maybe he is dead…I can’t remember. Besides, that guy you are dating, he actually loves you, like…in a forever I do kinda way. Don’t get me wrong, he thinks you are completely crazy, and you have some seriously weird issues, but he is starting to find your quirks endearing, so be nice to him. Oh, and stop making that popping sound with your mouth when you are trying to make up your mind about something, better to address that now than with him in front of 200 people in the middle of Target on Black Friday when you can’t decide which coffee maker to buy his dad…awkward.

4. Y2K…totally not the Apocalypse. Stop hording food and duck taping plastic to your windows. You don’t need to spend NYE drinking Boone’s Farm in your grandpa’s storm cellar with tin foil on your head.

5. Lastly, irregardless is not really a word. Please stop using it when you are drunk. Just say regardless. Thanks.

27 year old Future Brittany

P.S. Quit bitching that you think you are fat. You aren’t. You are totally hot, and the perfect size. Just wait until your second pregnancy…

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