I mean, I put the matches down. And I’m here. So that counts.
I’m not crying (as much) anymore.
I’m not checking the time on my phone and calculating how far into my post-uterine life I am supposed to be.
I’m just… here. Waiting.
I have no answers to offer you.
We have two roads laid out to get me where I need to be, and we’re waiting to see which car I’m getting into, but other than that, I have no news, and there is nothing I can do about it.
I’m just here until they decide what we’re allowed to do to my body.
Oh, and this morning I started my period.
There are several problems with this development, let’s break them down.
The first, obviously, is that I shouldn’t even be having a period. We all know this. I’m going to save you from my fucking Costanza-level ranting right here, because you get it.
Second, I am not prepared for this. I don’t have any tampons, I don’t have any pads, I have some Thinx underwear and a few panty liners because 1. see Costanza reference above, and 2. my friends and I burnt my remaining tampons in a secret YaYa Sisterhood-type Uterus Break-Up party at my house.
No joke, my kids were 10 minutes late for school this morning because I threw a pile of old purses in front of them, and offered them a $1 for every tampon they found in any of the pockets. They literally tore that shit apart like Nicholas Cage looking for the map on the back of the Constitution.
Lastly, I’ve come to accept through doctors and meditation and Clue app, that my period isn’t just an inconvenience, it’s a four alarm anxiety trigger.
Medical anxiety is my jam, and the panic doesn’t come from a fear of bleeding through tampons and underwear and jeans. Being on my period means analyzing every pain, googling things through tears at 3am when I’m afraid to go to sleep because what if this time, I have too much internal bleeding, or it’s really my appendix bursting? It means ER visits, IV’s, ultrasounds, CT’s, describing clot size to medical strangers, pain medication followed by anti-nausea medication followed by laying on the bottom of the shower under scalding hot water.
Today is going to be messy, both emotionally and from the waist down, but I’m trying to just roll with it. I put on some lipstick. I plucked my eyebrows a little. I’m going to the salon to get some bangs and then buy some new mascara, because periods are nothing if not for spontaneous questionable decisions that I will regret for the next 5-10 years of my life.
I’m going to keep binging The West Wing and Grace & Frankie in bed (btw, kinda a mindfuck to keep those Martin Sheen story lines straight at the same time, let me tell ya), and ordering clothes from Amazon until I feel full on the inside, which is ironic, because the very thing I need is to be surgically less full inside. Oh, life.
I’m bleeding and waiting and angry today, how about you?