Real talk. I’ve already canceled a dental appointment for today because I started my period and couldn’t find my eyebrow tweezers.

Aka. I’m not fit for public consumption. I am a feminist and all, but if there was a rule we weren’t allowed to leave the house while menstruating, I wouldn’t hate it. In the mean time, if someone could invent period jeans, that’d be awesome. Elastic waist, moisture wicking crotch fabric, some sort of internal cooling system… get on it, Jordache.

I’ve been living a little bit off the grid for the last couple days, hence *points at face* the unibrow. It’s the first week in a month I’ve been home and free to do stuff like not put clothes on and fix things.

Like the toilet seat in our bathroom. The stupid cheap plastic thing that holds the seat to the toilet broke on one side, so when you sit on it, it loudly jerks to the side half tossing you into the bowl. It’s momentarily embarrassing because to the layman it might sound like the toilet seat can’t support the weight of my ass, but I’ve been putting up with the humiliation for a month because 1. I guess I don’t shop at enough places that sell toilet seats. And 2. I would drink a glass of my own urine before using the kids’ bathroom. If you have kids, especially boys, you understand what I am saying. No matter how much you clean it, there is a permanent underlying smell of stale pee, neck sweat and candy that haunts the room.

So I grabbed a new seat at Walmart yesterday and installed it myself. The problem is that there are apparently “sizes” of toilets seats, and I bought the wrong one. The toilet seat is too big and the front overlaps the bowl by about 4 inches. My toilet has an overbite. I’m going with it though, lots of hand room for things like menstrual cups and wiping. Also, you don’t want to know how disgusting the holes where the toilet seat attachment screws go. Andy either needs to get better aim, or start sitting down to pee.

I have been doing some important things, though!

First of all, Fat Girl Walking is officially a New York Times Best Seller, and that is all thanks to you! Thank you so much for buying my book, and telling your friends to buy the book, and just… everything. Thank you for everything. This is a blanket thank you for reading words I write and getting me on a list next to my personal heroes, such as David Sedaris, Tina Fay and Amy Poehler.

I’ve been on a dream come true book tour, you can check out where I’ll be next by clicking the TOUR tab at the top of this page, it updates constantly!

I am part of the amazing new ModCloth campaign with SuperFit Hero founder Micki Krimmel and actress Emily Gordon.

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Click here for a behind the scenes interview and check out Modcloth for more pictures and all the best clothes, ever.

I was surprised on The Steve Harvey Show. I never actually think tv surprises are real, but I’m here to tell you that they are and that I just sobbed like a baby on national television.

And most recently, I’ve been doing my favorite thing… eating food that comes in white paper boxes, and watching season 3 of Orange is the New Black in it’s entirety. A feat I trained for much like the way runners train for marathons. You can’t just dig into 13 hours of horizontal Netflix binging unprepared. I bought a body pillow, I practiced positions that allow for maximum comfort with the minimum chance for bed sores or hematomas, and I rehearsed saying thing like criss-cross apple sauce and ANDY SHUT THE CURTAINS, GOD.

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Oh my God where to begin. First of all, this is the first season of OITNB that ended with me in tears. I usually feel so empowered and fuck yeah at the end of each season, but not this one. This one left me sad.

Piper & Alex… are they still in prison? Oh they are? Yeah I just sorta stopped caring. Aside from Piper’s brother, who I find hilarious, they were pretty useless to me this season. And I just genuinely don’t enjoy Alex. I keep trying, but I don’t, and I also find that she and Piper have no chemistry. Has she been assassinated? Who knows, but it’d be the most interesting plot line she’s participated in.

Daya & Bennett… gonna be honest, glad Bennett is gone. I’ve been sorta turned off this story for a while. Daya is so much more palatable without Bennett around. I actually began to enjoy her this season and the birth, while heartbreaking, was finally more realistic than the thought that a cartoon drawing inmate was going to have a grown up marriage with Bennett.

Pennsatucky & Boo… if you would have told me 2 seasons ago that Penn would be one of my favorite OITNB characters, I wouldn’t have believed you. But here we are. The new relationship between Boo and Doggett is amazing. It’s hilarious and platonic and awesome in a very Thelma & Louise fashion. They are the new perfect buddy comedy. And I also loved seeing snippets from their lives. Boo’s struggle with her family and Doggett’s sexual past… heartbreaking.

Poussey & Taystee… can I just reiterate that after the shit show that was Vee, I am so happy these two friends are back together. I just adore them, and Poussey is in my top 3 favorite characters overall. She is nerdy and sweet and hot as hell. I love her. And yeah, I’m gonna say it, I LOVE the way they’ve taken in Soso, and if the last scene of this season was a hint that maybe Poussey and Soso might date? FUCK YES PLEASE.

Nicky… she is my girl and I miss her so.

Stella Carlin… who? Yeah so apparently Ruby Rose actually had a name this season, and it was Stella Carlin. I don’t know if they just never said it out loud, or I was too distracted by her lips. She was gorgeous and a welcomed break in the Alex and Piper story line.

Quickly… Red and Healy, yeah I guess whatever. Sophia and Gloria, I actually like these two women as friends and I hope they make up. Norma, so boring. I mean, just genuinely boring. Flaca, really started to like her this season. She’s a young girl and I’m starting to see that about her. Caputo, love him. Crazy Eyes, yes funny and as good as always. Maybe do something new with her though? Cindy had me in tears. At first I was annoyed with her and her Mickey Mouse ear pom poms, but her transition to Judaism was so sad, and I cried in the final scene. In fact, I was originally annoyed with the whole lake thing, because it’s so far fetched, until I saw her in the water and was like YES. And finally, Leanne.  Loved seeing Leanne’s Amish background. I just can’t stand her in prison.

Final thought… I wonder how many women are trying to sell their panties and getting Trust No Bitch tattoos this week?

 

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