Have you tried a Diva Cup?

Sometimes it takes a few cycles.

Did you give it a few cycles?

You have to really push it up there.

Like, pinch the rim and push it up there.

Just fold it in half, then push it up.

Did you do a flag fold? Try that, just fold it like you would an American flag, stick your fingers up there, and let it go. 

Have you tried the cootie catcher fold? Pick a number, then pick a color, then pick another number. I hardly remember it’s even in there. 

Did you cut off the tab? You should cut off the tab.

Did you turn it inside out? Were you not aware you should turn it completely inside out from the way it is both marketed and sold? Yeah, turn it inside out. Easy Peasy.

You probably aren’t putting it up there correctly.

Because if you did it correctly, your mind would be blown right now.

I have become more interested in menstrual cups in the last year or so.

Sure yes, it’s green and I’m morphing into a total hippie, but also, tampons are becoming super uncomfortable. They are dry and itchy and I hate them. Pads are gross. And I began with SoftCups a while ago with the intention of gradually making my way to legit reusable cups.

What’s not to love? They save the planet, they save you money, they can stay in for 12 hours, there’s no risk of TSS, and honestly, anything that crosses another thing of my master list of hypochondria is a good thing in my book.

The problem is, the reusable cups are not working.

I put them in, and almost immediately, they make their way back out. They don’t leak or hurt, they just don’t stay inside of me. It’s like a slow silicone birth the second I stand up.

Yes, I’ve read the instructions and watched the youtbe videos.

Yes, I’m turning them inside out, and clipping the tab.

I pulled two tampons out of there once after a confusing night of drinking, I’m not shy about squatting down and getting to business.

But, not being able to get this made me feel like such a lady failure. The lone girl on the Diva Cup Facebook thread whose life remained unchanged and under the thumb of the feminine hygiene industry.

It seems, folks, you can’t teach an old vagina new tricks.

Do I have vaginal floor strength issues? Obviously. But, contrary to popular belief, my vagina is not a cavernous hole. It’s also not connected to my throat or my anus, which was a popular belief held mostly by me.

My doctor assures me they are all separate holding areas and I need to stop tossing pennies down my throat expecting them to come out my lady business at parties.

I have been doing some online research and decided to do a bit of scientific testing by way of sticking my finger up there.

And after three rigorous tests in the controlled environment of my shower, I’ve determined that I have a very low hanging cervix.

It’s genetic.

Ask my boobs.

So long menstrual cups, like the Diva Cup, simply won’t work for me. It’s like asking Shaq to climb inside a Fiat without his legs hanging out the windows.

Thankfully, there are loads of other menstrual cups on the market, and after some late night period forum scouring, I decided to try the Lunette and the MeLuna.

Lunette MeLuna

The Lunette was soft and squishy and pretty, but unfortunately while it was shorter than the Diva Cup, it was still too long.

The MeLuna had, by far, the most size options. I ordered the MeLuna Mini M, which was short (yay!) but wide enough for the flow of “middle aged women who have had multiple vaginal births and whose body is somewhat corpulent.”

I’m assuming whomever wrote that copy was dragged to the streets by chubby women with loose vaginas and beaten.

As of right now, the MeLuna Mini M is only available in the UK, which means I had to not only admit my vagina was squat and fat, but I had to pay customs for the experience.

The good news is… it works.

Holy shit, y’all, it works.

I am three days in, and my MeLuna is performing like a champ. Easy to put it, doesn’t hang out of me, and I can even pee with it in, which is awesome because I pee a lot, and adjusting ill fitting cups or swapping tampons each time was a pain.

All right folks, you got me, I’m officially on the menstrual cup train.

If you aren’t, it’s cool. I don’t get any sort of referral points for new members and I won’t stand on your porch with Bibles full of vagina diagrams, but if you’re interested or have had trouble using menstrual cups in the past, here’s some tips I found to be somewhat helpful.

Try it out at night. I was pretty freaked out to leave my house the first few times I’d put this thing in, and was never quite sure I had it in place correctly.

Putting a menstrual cup in at night lets gravity give you a hand, and by morning, my body seemed to have almost shifted it into place correctly without me being paranoid about it all day and messing with it.

This is how I learned how it was supposed to feel inside of me.

Get intimate with your insides. Seriously, once I realized that it wasn’t going to disappear inside of me, I was way more relaxed inserting and removing the cups. If I freaked out to much, it was like trying to remove a pair of Chinese Finger Cuffs.

Deep breath, it will come out.

Probably.

Carry a small packet of baby wipes in your purse. Nobody likes walking out of a bathroom stall looking like they just performed surgery.

Sex is questionable. Either you like period sex or you don’t, I have no horse in this race, so do what you want.

But I will say that unlike SoftCups, which were way more sex friendly, having sex with a reusable menstrual cup was no bueno for me. They tend to take up way more room and sit lower, so the seal can be broken, and honestly, it’s creepy.

He can’t get very far inside before a weird silicone E.T. finger is right there waiting to touch tips.

Learn your fold. You can’t just jam this thing in mouth first. There are tons of folds that help ease it in and into place, and learning the one that works best for you is a life saver.

Personally, I prefer the Punch Down Fold.

Click here for a detailed photo list of other help cup folds. 

And if you need a little extra lube getting it in and adjusted, I found coconut oil works perfectly!

Think outside the Diva Cup box. Like I said, the Diva Cup was not a great fit for me, but it’s the most mainstream and popular, so it took a lot of reading and guessing to find other options.

It’s perfectly okay to not be mainstream about what you use for your period; just like it’s okay to order your menstrual cup from England and nickname her Pippa.

So wait, what do I do with all the menstrual cups I ordered that I can’t wear because they don’t fit? I have three words for you… collapsible shot glass.

Am I serious?

I don’t know, how much whiskey do you have on you?

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