Earmuffs, modest ones!

Guys, you can stick around, we can’t leave you out of this conversation. It’s just too important, and the fact is, we’re not talking about it enough.

Squirting.

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Honestly, squirting sounds disgusting and a little too Circus Side Show-esque thanks to fetish porn. We need a new word; guys have like 50 words for semen. Lady jizz? Panty glitter? Am I just making it a thing when it’s not really a thing? Fine, squirting.

A few days ago, my girlfriends and I were having the whole squirting discussion, and it became apparent really quickly that many of us do it, and just as many of us want to do it, so maybe we should talk about it more.

Caveat: I’m not a medical professional, I’m just a girl on the internet talking about sex on Monday afternoon.

What is squirting?

According to Wikipedia, “female ejaculation is the expulsion of fluid by the paraurethral ducts through and around the human female urethra during or before an orgasm.” So, you know, that gush of liquid that sometimes comes out when you climax.

Is it pee?

Depends on what internet article you read. Like the G-Spot, the actual make up of female ejaculate seems to be pretty sketch. Maybe it’s pee, maybe it’s undigested Red Bull, I have no idea, I’m not a gynecologist. I can tell you that the first time it happened, I waited for Andy to go to the bathroom to clean up, and then smelled the sheets. It totally smelled like… nothing. Absolutely nothing. And yeah fine, I touched my finger to it and tasted it.

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It tasted warm, if that’s a flavor? Sweet and warm, and not at all like what I imagine pee tastes like, which is obviously vinegar and a melted cream soda DumDum sucker.

How does it happen?

Magic! Sorcery! Or if you’re me, on all fours. Squirting was an unplanned outcome of a tipsy midnight romp. There we were, messing around during a rerun of Colbert Report, when all of a sudden a gush of fluid rushed out and splashed on the bed.

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I squirted. I was a squirter. In the words of Gaston, I’m especially good at expectorating… out of my vagina.

Now, I have no idea how you squirt, because we just met and I’ve never seen you have sex, but for me, it was a collection of a few things.

First, I need to be on all fours, aka, doggy style. It’s actually my preferred position, because I climax with clitoral stimulation only, and this allows me to use my wand at the same time. I always thought this meant I failed at sex, but it turns out, lots of women don’t climax with penetration. I know because I asked them, I have no boundaries. So ladies, don’t you feel bad for one second about that, you’re sex goddesses, the movies and girl magazines are lying to you.

Second, aforementioned clitoral stimulation. Wands are amazing, I highly recommend buying one or two. They make my teeth chatter, y’all.

Third, a finger. His, hers, yours, whatever. Stick it in and do a “come hither” type move with your fingers pointing down, so it hits your front wall. Bonus, also found my G-Spot that day.

Fourth, that Oh my God I’m going to pee feeling you get? Push through it. I know, mentally, it’s hard to believe you aren’t actually going to urinate all over the place, but you won’t-  just keep going, let go. If you are super insecure about it, go pee before sex.

What Does Andy Think?

What does he think about what? That I’m a squirter or that I’m telling you about it? Well, he’s at work right now, so I have no idea about how excited he’ll be when I call him later and read this aloud to him over the phone, but as far as me squirting, when it first happened, we were admittedly shocked. It was as sudden as my water breaking, only, you know, not followed by an actual baby. I remember looking back at Andy expecting him to be either in shock or completely grossed out.

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Nope. he had the biggest grin on his face, like he just won the lottery or found a Coke bottle with his name on it.

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We have an amazingly open sex life these days. We talk a lot. We share a lot. So while I certainly wasn’t embarrassed, I was so happy to see him so excited. It’s now become a staple in our bedroom fun… along with a towel and a waterproof mattress pad.

The important thing here is that there’s nothing fetish or deviant about squirting. Some people dig it. Some people don’t. But, it happens and I like it. And so does my husband. A lot.

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