First of all, if you came here via a search like “OMG SOMEONE STOLE MY PHOTO ONLINE!?,” this is awkward, but I actually have no real advice for you outside of procuring a lawyer and having them handle all the legal crap. Way easier. Also, maybe go see Maleficent twice in a 5 day span like I did, and then you’ll feel generally bad ass about revenge for a while.

I’ve had plenty of friends who’ve experienced having their children’s photos stolen for baby websites and photography businesses, and yes, that’s super creepy. Make your own babies, weirdos. Unless you’re paying for 4 years of college for each of mine, you don’t get to claim ownership of them. Those are the rules.

I usually get the opposite end of the creep spectrum, people stealing provocative photos of me for asinine internet reasons. Like the reader who kindly sent me this screenshot, taken while using the Whisper App.

thick ladies

*raises hand* I’m awake. I’m intrigued, what are we doing? Running to IHop? Playing Cards Against Humanity? Sharing our age, sex and location? Making internet memes out of plus size women? Stolen copyright image aside, I’m flattered. Is this as poignant as Sweet Brown’s Ain’t Nobody Got Time for That? No, but it has potential, especially when you read it using Patrick Warburton’s voice.

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Seeking men over 30? But I already have one of those, and he puts out a lot (a newsworthy amount, really). So, not only did you steal my copyrighted photo, you created a completely inaccurate portrayal of why I’d need a man over 30 ; it certainly wouldn’t be for affairs.

How about wife seeking men over 30… for meaningful conversation about the underlying plot lines of Orange is the New Black season 2.

Wife seeking men over 30… to help me fill out the online rebate code thing for the new flat screen. My husband asked me to do it months ago, but I forgot, and it might be too late so hurry.

Wife seeking men over 30… to take all the expired shit out of the fridge because it makes me really pukey. Just throw the whole Tupperware thing away, I don’t even care.

Wife seeking men over 30… to ask my dad to stop calling me on speaker phone. Seriously, I can barely understand him.

Wife seeking men over 30… to condense the entire 4 seasons of Game of Thrones into one sentence that I can use at parties and work related get togethers. I actually don’t watch this series, but hate being left out of pop culture vernacular.

I could go on, but I have to change the wipers on my car, and it’s super confusing. Maybe I should take out an internet classified ad for help from an experienced but not-quite-middle aged man? What do you think, TheAttractionUniverse.com?

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