Sometimes I feel like I was supposed to have been born an Olsen. Like the 4th fat one, who’s super excited for her sisters’ successes, but has no interest in Hollywood and instead stayed home to work at a bank or something. The boho gene is strong in me. I have fun dressing up in girly dresses and sexy heels every now and then, but Coachella Ohio is my jam. Flowy, earthy and easy.

Since I don’t embrace shorts, I have to look for other ways to keep cool and show some skin in the heat, which I’d prefer not to do, but it’s already hitting 80 every day here for reasons that have nothing to do with those polar bear skeletons over there. Even as I type, a tiny bead of sweat is rolling down the center of my back into the waist of my jeans. It’s going to be a long summer.

Summer Boho Maxi

I never thought cropped shirts were an option for me. I keep walking into stores lined with cropped shirts and sheer tops and throw my hands up in the air in defeat. That’s okay, y’all, fat girls don’t need clothes this season. I mean, sheer shirts? Yes please, if there is anything I want, it’s more layers, because I physically need to add more bulk and additional layers of fabrics to sweat through. Wait, maybe that’s the plan? It looks like fashion, but it’s really those suits wrestlers wear to make them sweat to make weight? It’s a conspiracy! As for cropped shirts, well, obviously. I really didn’t see how they could work on me because I easily jack my jeans up to my bra line, and if anything, they’d only highlight my stretch marks and camel toe. But while in Target the other day, I accidentally took one back with me to the dressing room and tried it on for fun. Surprise, surprise, liked it! With the right bottom proportion and cut, I can totally rock out a cropped top. I paired it with a maxi skirt that sat high enough to disguise my trouble spots and loose enough to not squeeze me in creating a muffin top.  I may not wear it to school functions or out to dinner, but a weekend at the farmer’s market or grilling with friends, it’s on.

Pink Floyd Crop, size XL, Target $12.99
Black Maxi Skirt, size 1X, Old Navy $36.94

Summer Boho Tie Dye

It’s amazing that so much of my wardrobe these days revolves around denim. I’m not ashamed to admit that I own somewhere in the area of 7 denim shirt dresses. But to be fair, they are all different washes, which makes them applicable for an array of occasions. I have just as many denim button-up shirts. It’s like I’m spending a lifetime preparing for a cowboy movie that hasn’t happened yet. City Slickers 3? Anyways, I love them, and they can be a quick substitute for an otherwise boring arm cover option, like a cardigan or shrug. It’s also a great way to spice up an otherwise predictable outfit. Here we have another maxi skirt that I totally fell in love with, and instead of defaulting to a black tank top I’m mixing it up with a knotted denim shirt. I feel ridiculously sexy in this outfit, and in this heat, couldn’t care less about the stretch marks on my stomach or my back fat or the way my tummy folds in half when I’m sitting down, related, nobody looks good sitting down, get over it.

Women’s Plus Denim Shirt, size 1, Target
Tye Dye Maxi Skirt, size XXL, Target $17.99

Summer Boho

As previously mentioned, I have a thing for the gorgeous hand embroidered dresses they sell in Mexico. I love the colors and intricacy, and yeah, the fact that it’s a shapeless sack I can comfortably sit around on the couch in all day eating pizza rolls. The problem is, they are a really awkward length for me; they hit about mid shin, which is not flattering. Do I shave my whole leg? Just to my knee? There is no clear cut answer except, you know, it’s a shitty length. The purple is gorgeous, and I wanted to take this dress from something I shame ate in, to a cute summer outfit. With the supervision of my mother, I set about hemming the dress to a more attractive length, which is the first time I have ever used a sewing machine in my entire life. I once hemmed a pair of pants with staples and rubber cement. This is a big deal. And I love the hell out of this dress.

Embroidered Mayan Dress, Riviera Maya, 257 pesos

P.S. Looking for amazing anti-chub rub solutions? I recommend rubbing your thighs with a stick of regular Dove Powder Fresh deodorant or Monistat Anti-Chaffing Gel (bonus, this doubles as the exact equivalent to SmashBox Primer and works as a GREAT make-up primer for way less!)

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