I keep meaning to say more about things. I have conversation ADD.
Hey I bumped an old person with my car… oh look! Cool Ranch Dorito Tacos!
Plus, I’m like day 3 into a fight with Andy that he has no idea we are having. I’m irritated as hell over his ambivalence, but he seems to be enjoying the quiet time to work on his hobbies.
So, while I’m giving him the silent treatment, I guess now’s as good a time as ever to catch you up.
As it stands, I love my waxed vulva. A few weeks ago, I got my first ever brazilian, and naturally, I recorded the whole experience for you. A month and a half later, with two waxings under my belt, contrary to popular belief, I don’t at all feel like a prepubescent girl. Or a toddler. Or like how I imagine Tilda Swinton looks naked. I feel clean and lovely. After just the first waxing, the hair grew back way thinner and sparse, and while it took 50 minutes the first time, it only took 25 minutes the second. Plus my underwear fits better now.
As it stands, dealing with school bullying is a marathon, not a sprint. I wasn’t prepared for that. When I found out my child was being bullied at school, I was enraged. When I found out it was physical bullying (typing this, even now, makes my eyes sting), it was like someone sprayed mace in my eyes and put air horns up to my ears. It was disorienting, and cut me off from my senses. I want to give you tips on how to address this, but the truth is, I have none. I’m an instant gratification kind of girl, so when A (racing into school like a hormonal mama bear) and B (the school verbally addressing the issue) didn’t lead to C (no more bullying), I was confused. Instead, two things happened.
1. The bullying kept happening. Less physical, more emotional. Teasing and poking and belittling. I grew more and more bitter that this moment was taken from my kid; that this experience will never be one that was carefree or happy or exciting. Kids deserve that. They deserve to walk into a school and not worry about recess, or being in the hall alone, or sitting at a lunch table.
2. I’ve become the Courtney Stodden of school moms; I ain’t going nowhere, y’all. I’m gonna be in your face, wearing my hypothetical teenage sized exotic dancer heels and poorly lip-linered lips, whether you like it or not. Driving for field trips, volunteering for events, helping in the classroom. I think we have this natural desire to not step on toes at our kids’ school. Fuck that desire. This isn’t just “stuff kids do,” and it’s not just “kids being kids.” Don’t let people excuse it away like that. Don’t let this be the warning signs we all missed 10 years down the road watching something horrible unfold on CNN. So, you won’t be president of the Best Moms at School Club. So, they may sigh a little when you storm in the front office doors. Who the fuck cares? What’s more important, having friends to chat with during car line, or having your child see you fight every day for them? The answer is the latter. Car line is for Candy Crush and blaring 90’s music, anyway.
As it stands, I’m still as shocked as you are that non-skinny girls putting on bikinis is actual news. But on the flip side, nothing makes me happier than an inbox full of pictures of hot ass women owning it in a bathing suit, and if I was a dude, I’d be in heaven and never leave my house. Someone asked me recently what my kids were going to think when they grew up and saw photos of me in a bikini on the internet. And my answer was simple. I hope they are confused. Confused as to why this was ever a thing, because in the word they live in years from now, beauty is beauty, regardless of size.
As it stands, I still can’t keep ben-wa balls in. I’ve tried to size up in circumference, but they keep falling out, and I walk around like some kind of jacked up chicken laying rubber sex ball eggs all over the house. They fell out of my Old Navy sweat shorts the other morning, and Andy had to throw his omelet in the trash.
As it stands, Last Call Brittany is a boozey hit! We’re officially one of Google’s highest watched Live Hangouts with the largest viewer interaction. It’s the weekly night out you don’t have to leave your house for. Just make sure your kids are asleep and you don’t have an aversion private part words.
As it stands, we’re going to Riviera Maya in September. Thank you for all your amazing recommendations!
As it stands, I’m still addicted to eyelash extensions. I am currently on a two week break, because I’m being extra careful to keep my original lashes healthy, but honestly, I can’t imagine my life without these things. I know a lot of concern comes from them destroying your real lashes, but I haven’t had too much of an issue with this. First, I continue to apply RapidLash every night, just to keep my real lashes growing and strong. And second, I don’t pull the extensions off, I let them fall off naturally. Pulling them off is what makes them rip your natural lashes out with them. The extensions last about 3ish weeks for me, and loosing them one by one doesn’t seem to look too obvious, and if need be, I can easily fill in a spot or two with mascara until my next application. I get constant compliments on my lashes, my skin looks better because I’m not scrubbing mascara and eyeliner from below my eyes every night, and I’m needing to wear less make-up in general because I wake up looking like a dreamy eyed sex kitten.
As it stands, Gigi is still talking to ghosts. Either that or they’re taping a Scary Movie 6 with the Wayans Brother in my house. Which would explain why Eric Nies and Shannon Elizabeth have been sleeping in my laundry room.
As it stands Have Boobs Will Travel is going to be the funniest show ever. First of all, it’s really hard for me to sit in Ohio while the show is in edits and cut into sizzle reels. Mostly because I’m a giant impatient control freak, and as a “creator” by profession, I’m not used to not having a hand in this whole process. But Brad Savage, Greg Grunberg, Keilie Lefkovitz, Alice Clayton and Shane Johnson are brilliant, and we are so excited to now take our irreverent, potty mouthed, boob showing yet also slightly educational, baby to networks for pitching! Also, if you are a network, email me, you’re totally gonna want this show.
As it stands, my goal of spending the year styling and dressing plus size woman is coming true. It started out with one, and it’s growing to an entire campaign movement. Just like the travel show, I’ve learned there is a value to putting things out into the universe, to say to the world, I’m doing this and you’re either with me or against me. Thank you so much for being with me.
Where do you stand?