About a month ago, I turned to Facebook to talk eyelashes.

Mainly, mine are crap, how can I make them be less crap?

My lashes are very short, some are curly, some are straight, and then some just bend in, like, 90 degree angles. I have no idea what Danny DeVito’s pubic hair looks like, but if I had to guess, I would assume it looks like my eyelashes.

You guys had tons of suggestions; from prescription solutions to eyelash extensions to natural remedies to sure fire over the counter Amazon finds.

The day after I posted my query to Facebook, in an act of magic unseen by even Hogwarts, the daily Groupon was for… wait for it… eyelash extensions. $39 for a full set, and while I wasn’t sure I was going to go that route, I figured for $39, I might as well buy it to have in my back pocket just in case.

Prescription: After some thought, I ruled out the prescription medication, LATISSE, primarily because of the threat of turning your eyes and eyelids a darker color. I fully understand it doesn’t happen to everyone, and I’ve seen many of you with TO DIE FOR JEALOUSY results, but I adore my hazel brown/green/yellow vampire eyes, and I didn’t want to chance it.

Over The Counter: So, to start things off, I decided to try my hand at RapidLash Eyelash Enhancing Serum, in the hopes that it would thicken things out and length them a bit. I bought the 0.1 fluid oz to experiment with for a month, and hi ummmm… I didn’t take before or after photos, but I can tell you that it was super easy to put on, and while I didn’t see any change in length, my lashes did get slightly fuller. Not a ton, but enough to kinda notice when I was applying mascara. Maybe with continued long term use, I would have seen more thickness, but I’m impatient.

False Eyelashes: For somebody with teeny tiny eyelashes, falsies are a great option. You know, once you are done burning down villages and eating the flesh off peasant children because OH MY GOD REALLY. Difficult level? Infinity. With time, it got easier, and I loved having the length, but in order to even get them on, I knew I had to set aside at least 30 sober minutes, 1.5 Xanax, and the ability to laugh it off when shit got stuck diagonally across my eyelid. Katy Perry has a line of fakies out, and I was a big fan of her Oh, Honey! lashes. But, I wanted a more permanent solution.

Out comes the Wildcard, eyelash extensions.

I called and made the appointment, and then spent the next three days freaking out that I paid $39 to get fake hair glued to my eyes, and the whole thing was beginning to sound less this is the best deal ever, and more holy shit this is like those people who get janky botox in the back of vans behind 7-11s.

And yet, at 3pm today, I showed up at Sandal’s Nail Spa to meet with Celia, my eyelash guru.

She led me back to a private room where I laid down on an esthetician table, she took some lash measurements, we chatted about the look I was going for (natural with increased length and fullness), and then we got down to business. And by business I mean, I laid there with my eyes closed listening to music for an hour while Celia applied my new eyelashes, one by one, gluing them to my existing lashes.

It was the most relaxing 60 minutes of my life, and it totally reminded me of why I used to go to the tanning bed. Twenty uninterrupted minutes in a cozy warm coffin and I was out cold. This was just like that, only less skin cancer and goggles lines.

The results? If the glue was dry, I would have cried, so instead I just hugged her until it got awkward.

Crappy iPhone Before Pic

eyelash extensions before

After… no make-up, only lip gloss

post eyelash extensions
This photo was taken by Celia immediately after she finished applying them. Excuse my pores.

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Fucking addicted. The difference is huge, and thanks to the length and dark color, I won’t even have to wear mascara anymore, which is good news, because I am over that whole black crap smudged below my eyes thing.

Tips? Try to keep them dry for about 24 hours after application, stay away from mascara and make-up remover with oil, be gentle when washing your face, and use warm water with mild soap to clean your eyes.

Because I’m not exactly in a huge metropolitan area, eyelash extensions are relatively affordable to keep up with; a full set costing $80 and lasting 4-6 weeks, with maintenance fills only $20, so yeah, this shit is going to be happening for a while, and if Andy gets spazzy about it, I’ll just hypnotize him with my long pretty eyelashes.

UPDATED TO ADD: I woke up to pee at 3am last night and randomly thought, did I really just write an entire post about eyelash extensions? WHO AM I!? And then, as I shuffled back to bed with Gigi in the non-pink eye containment room, avoiding all the legos everywhere because I’m a night ninja, I laid there thinking about how funny it is that I am even in any position to write a post like this. Meaning, that I even care what the fuck my eyelashes look like, that I’ve even gotten to the point where I like myself enough to invest in something as frivolously beauty-centric, when a few years ago, I couldn’t even tell you if I had eyelashes because I was so consumed with hiding every single inch of myself. Anyways, awesome, great session, ya’ll, I’ll send along my co-pay.

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