I’ve had this consistent dry cough for six days.

It’s not even productive, and it bugs that I even know how to quantify a productive cough, because if you were to ask me pre-kids if my cough was productive, I would have been like, fuck yeah it’s productive, it just ate 2 sleeves of saltines and re-watched 18 episodes of Freaks & geeks.

So, it’s basically just me sitting here working on the couch with a pile of dry underwear next to me.

Ohio is sneaky like that. Fall comes and it’s magical. The leaves, the smells, the crisp temps, and you think, wow… this is why we live here! Halloween comes, and I’m on cloud nine. But, Ohio Halloweens are like the Lindsay Lohan of holidays. They bust in all Mean Girls, and you think, this is gonna be awesome.

You put up decorations, you carve pumpkins, you drink spiked cider, and ready the costumes, then you wake up October 31st to rain, sleet and slush. Congratulations, Halloween just Georgia Rule’d you.

And now, this week of cough incontinence is the prize you get for trudging along outside in the crud for candy, even though nobody can see your costumes anyways, because you’re wearing a fucking snowsuit.

So, this is what happened while I was coughing and peeing my pants…

1. The election. I could not be happier this shit is over. I can watch live TV again. I can drive past the airport without sitting in traffic for three hours because someone is here campaigning in Ohio, the battlegroundy of all the battleground states. I can stop walking around dunk all day after the required one shot per mention of the phrase “job creation.” Obama won, Facebook went emo, we ordered Thai for dinner, the end.

2. Andy decided to grow a mustache for Movember, two seconds later, we’re wondering what to do next. He basically grows hair like those playdough hairstyle things from he 80’s.

3. Because hindsight is awesome, I took us all to the doctor yesterday for flu shots, which is something we take super seriously in this house. Apparently they changed the flu shots from being like, a shot, to this crazy needle that inserts flu juice under your skin into a blister. Only the kids are still allowed to win the regular shots. I spent all of yesterday wounded and under the influence of Tracker Jacker venom.

4. Jude told me his favorite singer is Weird Al Yankovic. I slow clapped.

5. I ran out of space on my iPhone, and in true first world fashion, I plan to throw it in the garbage and buy a new one. Or a Galaxy S III. I need help deciding (hint, hint).

6. We saw Wreck It Ralph, it was adorable and I cried. I swear, the best thing Andy and I ever did as parents was start taking our kids to movie theaters early. They love it, sit for the whole movie, and it’s at least an hour that we get to quietly relax and eat popcorn. Plus, I look forward to the day they are too ashamed to sit in the same row as us, and I can discreetly make out and get fingered in the dark.

7. Something else has been happening. I’ll tell you about it Monday.

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