This weekend we’re having a kid Halloween party. I’m really excited about it.

Well I was more excited about it two months ago when I declared we were going to throw it and bought a bunch of Halloween magazines, and am slightly less excited about it now that I have to clean my house and make food.

We invited all our friends with kids, and Jude, Wyatt and Gigi each invited a friend and their families.

See, that’s the lesson I took away from birthday parties. Having people drop their kids off at your house for a party is just a messed up version of mass babysitting.

I don’t care what kind of gift they bring, it will in no way be an even exchange for your loss of sanity and the $300 it took to fill that fucking pinata.

So, we’re doing it family style, which honestly, just makes it more acceptable for us to drink heavily and make 90’s pop culture references to people over 4ft tall whose eyes don’t glaze over while you are trying to explain Seinfeld to them.

No soup for you. Get it? Like from Seinfeld? I’m not giving you soup because you won’t stop touching each other for five seconds.

What’s Seinfeld?

It was a show.

A show about soup?

No, it’s a whole show about nothing, it was hilarious.

And then they roll their eyes at me like I’m the idiot when they watch Oobie, which is an entire show of talking human hands and feet who speak in broken sentences.

It’s like what I’d imagine seeing The Doors high on acid would have been like.

This is also why we won’t be wearing our matching Harry Potter costumes, the entire reference would be lost on them, so I’ll be attending as the Queen of Hearts to Gigi’s Alice in Wonderland.

She demanded we match, and this was her second option after her original suggestion of two Dorothy’s.

Andy is going as Edward Cullen, and I use the words “is” and “going” loosely, because it’s really just me planning on messing his hair up with gel and throwing glitter at him while he’s not paying attention.

The kids won’t have any idea who he is, it’s more for me.

Wyatt will also be a vampire, but the vintage kind with a cape and slicked back hair that eats humans.

He’s so hipster and he doesn’t even know it.

And that leaves Jude. Jude has decided to be a mummy.

First of all, I want to call a time out right now and pat myself on the back for the fact that my kids have finally decided to stop being fad cartoon characters for Halloween.

I look back on pictures of me dressed as a Wuzzle or Dotty from The Get Along Gang, and I have no idea what the hell I was thinking.

I spent some time looking around for a mummy costume, but they all looked so cheap and lame, so I naturally decided to make it.

Where is lazy, ineffective Brittany, she was so much cooler and less productive?

I HAVE NO IDEA I THINK I ATE HER.

So, I made a mummy costume.

I bought 2 yards of muslin, which I tore into long strips so it looked frayed and worn.

I then, using Tacky Craft Glue, began to glue the strips onto a pair of dark green long underwear.

I chose green because it makes the muslin an eerie, zombie like shade. I kept layering and tearing and knotting in some areas for effect, until we had this.

The whole thing cost me less than $25 and I got to explain how Egyptians pulled the king’s brains out through their noses with long hooks and stored their organs in jars in their graves.

I know, I wish I had me as a mom, too.

Tip: Don’t glue the muslin tightly around the long underwear, leaving it loose not only looks cooler, but you still have to be able to get the long underwear off the kid, apparently.

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