I’ve never been to Texas.

In fact, all I know about Texas I learned from the Rick Perry Presidential campaign and when Pee Wee toured the Alamo in Pee Wee’s Big Adventure.

So, I had really high expectations, and when one of my best friend’s in the world, Shauna, asked us to stay with her, I couldn’t say no.

As no surprise to any of you, we drove, but it was actually really cool, because I got a chance to drive through states I had never actually seen in person to confirm they actually exist, like Missouri and Arkansas.

Both were great except, and Arkansas I hate to pick on you, but I have two things:

1. I drove through you at night, and there were like, a million dead animals on the side of the road. So many, the roads were stained red, like roads of blood. It was exactly like the beginning of every Rob Zombie movie. I was actually trying to wake Andy up because I was freaking out after I saw the bottom half of a deer laying in the lane next to me, when I accidentally hit an opossum, but it was 2am, and I couldn’t emotionally process the event, so I spent the next hour singing along to Danny’s Song on repeat until Andy let us get a hotel for the night.

2. Arkadelphia and Texarkana are just other places mashed up with the word Arkansas.  It’s like you’re not even trying. In fact, my friend Shauna didn’t even think I was really coming to Texas, at all.

Honestly, other than that, you were lovely, and I will have to visit again, because I’m dying to see Ark Vegas and Bostansas.

I honestly wasn’t sure how I was going to like Texas, even though Andy has been dying to go visit, because in his head, he wants to live anywhere that isn’t snowy Ohio, so he did what any smart husband would do and planned the trip around food in an attempt to woo me.

Spoiler alert: that almost always works. It’s the only reason I go to the gynecologist or agreed to see the Star Wars Prequels.

I ate so much food, you guys.

In fact, on the drive down, Andy was all, gosh, it’s going to be hard to be all low carb down there with all those tortillas, and I was like, yes that will be really hard for you, good luck with that.

Sorry, I love to eat, I bought three different sizes of jeans with me, and a staggering amount of maxi dresses, this was happening. And it did, hard, which presented a whole new set of problems.

First, I don’t know if it’s just me, but does anyone else have this thing where when they travel, they cannot poop to save their lives? No matter where I go, I show up bloated and puffy and my stomach just keeps getting harder and harder, until by the end of the week, I’m double fisting laxatives for relief. You should have seen me on the last day of Disney, granted, it was poor planning on my part and I almost had to jump off It’s a Small World to shit behind Russia, but dude, at least my pants finally buttoned.

This happened in Texas, only times infinity, because I had the added bonus of reintroducing carbs to my digestive system. I died a thousand deaths last week, most of them on the floor of Shauna’s upstairs bathroom, but it was worth it. Fort Worth has the best food I have ever, ever, eaten. Uncle Julio’s, Dutch’s, Sushi Axiom, Joe T. Garcia’s… I looked 6 months pregnant in a maxi dress by the end of the week, but I just gently rubbed my belly, because I was carrying the most adorable Mexican-Asian-South American baby ever.

The next problem I faced was alcohol. Staying low carb limited my consumption options, so I’d been mostly dry for the last 3 months…until I went to Texas. One drink in, and it was like I was 7th grade Brittany all over again, getting shit faced in the field behind my parents house, asking my friends if they thought I was pretty and crying when my gay friend Mike wouldn’t make out with me for practice.

While I was in town, Shauna put together this amazing get together with some local Texans, and it was an absolute blast. Everyone was amazing, the food at Joe T. Garcia’s was stupid good, our waitress looked like a prettier Polish version of Cameron Diaz, and the night was perfection…except that after three pitchers of margaritas, I couldn’t feel my face anymore, probably like how botox works.

This is the stunning, and I mean, like…gorgeous BreAnn and I. I think I asked her twice if my face was working for this picture.
If you have pictures from this party, I’d love to see them!

After the get together, I stumbled my way up the steps to the bedroom to find Andy playing on his new iPad and the kids fast asleep. He looked super adorable and I am still operating on the fantasy that he’s Christian Grey from 50 Shades, so I was all, ohhhh Fiddy Fiddy Fiddy, you are so hot right now, we should totally do it, and Andy was like, totally, and I was all, awesome, just please don’t, like, touch my stomach or my intestines at all, ok, because bad things are happening there.

It was the best vacation ever.

I love Texas.

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