This weird thing happens when you get married.
You get a sudden desire to accumulate couples friends.
As in, friends that are couples. So you can all do things collectively. And talk about couples things.
Like…tax exemptions and the perks of having a joint Facebook account, while we each uncomfortably make out and use pet names across the table from each other.
Now, there are two ways to do this. First, you either start trying to indoctrinate all your single friends with the marriage principal and fixing them up with guys you think will make attractive babies with them. Or, you can do it the hard way, making cold calls to already established couples you meet at work, or the lube aisle of pharmacies.
Andy and I have been together since 1996, so we’ve had oodles of couples friends.
Mostly due to me being all, OMG Andy I met the best girl, and she has a husband, and he’s super funny, you are totally going to be best friends!
That has a 30% success rate, primarily because Andy is a dick. We show up on our first date, I think everything is going well, I use great ice breakers like…
Hey Andy, did you know Rick also has a computer?
Mike, did I mention Andy likes athletic events?
Andy, did Josh tell you that he also pees standing up, just like you like do!?
But, by the time we say our goodbyes and we get in the car, and I am all, OMG how fun was that? Andy looks at me all, meh.
And we never see them again.
We currently have a steady amount of couples friends, and things are going well.
Until earlier this week when one of our couples, Rob and Kristy, announced to us they were getting a divorce.
It was really awkward. They took us out to dinner, I ordered a salad, which honestly, should have been a sign, because almost nothing good happens when you order salad as a meal.
So hey, we were wondering, would you two be interesting in taking our cat?
Have we ever met? I don’t do cats, and isn’t Randall like 45? He has one eye and 2 clawed toes where his elbow should be, he’ll probably die soon, and loaned my shovel to the neighbor kid and I don’t hand dig graves. Besides, you two love that cat.
Well, it’s just that…we’ve decided to divorce, and with his fragile health, the back and forth would totally stress him out, and we can’t agree on who should get sole custody.
I’m sorry….what did you just say?
He has vertigo and diabetes, the constant car rides would just do him in.
No, not about the fucking cat, you two…are getting a divorce?
Yes, I’d been cheating on Rob with a guy from my office, so we’ve decided to divorce.
Calm as could be. Like she had offered me a tampon from the stall next to me.
We didn’t ask any more questions, and Andy sat quiet and pale faced the rest of the meal. I didn’t know whether to give him a Xanax or let him lay across my lap so I could pat his bottom until he felt safe.
Maybe they are just way more evolved than I am, because if Andy cheated on me repeatedly and we divorced, I would announce the news via my Christmas card, which would be a picture of me roasting marshmallows over a giant bonfire of his belongings in my front yard.
Here’s to a Season of Andy Having Debilitating Gonorrhea!
My cards always say holidays, way more socially conscious than Christmas.
Anyways, we left dinner a bit in shock, and totally upset for both them, and us. I mean, they were amazing couples friends and the wife and I wore the same size jeans. So….it’s a big loss.
Two days later I got an evite to her Divorce Party.
I asked Andy if he was still going to hang out with Rob, and honestly, we are both a bit unsure. They came into our lives as a couple, and we rarely did things with them one on one.
Except when Kristy asked me to drive her to an oral surgery appointment, and on the drive home from getting her tooth extracted, she threw up on my dashboard. Now whenever I run the heat, it smells like red Gatorade.
She ruined sports drinks for me.
So, we have no idea what we are going to do about any of this. Aside from, like, not taking custody of Randall.
I mean, he has two moving toes on his elbow. It’s probably an un-formed conjoined cat twin.
I love TLC medical shows, but I don’t loose stool in a litter box love them.