Sometimes, I find myself in life or death situations.

This happened to me once before in college with a bottle of shiraz.  I broke the top off with a hammer, and spent three days freaking out that I swallowed glass shards and was bleeding internally.   Starting my period the next day did not help dispute my theory.

(Yes, I totally believe my throat is connected to my vagina.  Your internal organs are just one big tube.)

I just couldn’t go through that kind of anxiety again.

Helpless against the forces working against me, I asked twitter.  I immediately received over 50 hilarious and inventive suggestions, from chopsticks to attacking the bottle with a knife.  For example…

Clearly, everyone on twitter is a lush.

So, I decided to try things that didn’t involve knives first.

Mostly because I had just showered, I’m out of bandaids, and it’s too cold to drive to the ER in a wrestling singlet.

(I am, like, way behind on laundry.)

Conveniently, I found the hammer my dad let me borrow a few weeks ago.  I told him I was going to use it to hang a cross in my bedroom, but really, I thought I heard a mouse in my wall, and Andy keeps his tool box locked.

Ok, let’s get this shit done!

First, I found one of the long screws I had left over from when I assembled our Ikea office furniture.  It’s weird I had so many pieces leftover, but, I’m sure it’s totally safe.

I screwed the screw into the cork, leaving about about an inch or so sticking out the top.

Then, I wrapped a towel around the fulcrum, which, turns out, doesn’t mean anus.  Doesn’t it sound like it would mean anus?  No?  Just me?

Anyways, I did this because it can break super easy, so having the towel there is added support, as well as protection for your hands should the glass break.

Then, I took the back part of the hammer, and very slowly and gently, began to pry out the screw, and along with it, the cork.

EUREKA!

This is easily the most productive thing I have done all day.

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