Hey!  Did you wanna maybe hang out outside or something?  We can go for a walk if you want?

No thanks.

It’s actually not super hot out, right now.  The breeze really cools things down.


Are you mad at me?  It feels like you’re mad at me.  Like, there’s tension?

Do you know what I had for dinner last night?

Hmm, let me think.  Gah, heat totally wipes my memory.  Um mum mum mum, lemme just think back here, the boys had tee ball, and then I think I fell asleep early because I had an earache, right?  God, I can’t reme-

Four Bugles and a half a roll of Lifesavers.

Oh God, I’m so sorry.  I know.  I’ve been horrible.

My only other choice was diaper.

It hasn’t been fair to you, I know.  Three small kids all of a sudden, a new house, the puppy, I’m busy writing the book, the baby just started to be more mobile, we haven’t paid enough attention.  I am so sorry.

I’ve seen your Flickr account.  There aren’t even any pictures of me.

I’m sure that’s not true.

Is it because I’ve gained so much weight?

What?  No.  Seriously.  No.  Don’t be silly. You’re perfect.

Don’t be condescending.   It’s all that fucking high fructose corn syrup.  Fruit snacks.  Pop Tarts.  I just don’t have the metabolism I once did.

Who does?

I just connected with a buddy of mine from a few years back on Facebook, he’s at least five years older me, and he still looks great.  No gray hair.  No extra weight.  Of course, he’s vegan and doesn’t have a house full of kids.

Wait, you’re on Facebook?  Why haven’t you friend requested me?

Not the point, Brittany.  I’m fat.  It’s hot.  The new puppy is spazzy, I hate her.  You never remember to make me dinner.  I live on goldfish crackers and room temperature kool-aid.  I have all these damn  rolls and creases, and I’m sweaty and stinky, and no cute boys want to be around me, ever.  I’m like the mom from what’s Eating Gilbert Grape.

Will you put the magazine down and look at me?


Let me make it up to you.  Eclipse comes out in, like, 26 days.

I’m listening…

We can go see it at midnight at the drive in, if you want?  Like we did with Sex and the City?  I know how much you hate Bella, but….

Can we get popcorn?

Henry, I insist we get popcorn!

Ok fine.  Get my harness, I wanna try and walk off this water weight.  You know, for Jacob.

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