Originally posted on the website Aiming Low, reposted here for posterity.
My house is messy.
My boys are needy, OMG MAWWWWWWM, GET ME STUFFS, ANY STUFFS, NOWWWWWW, WAIT HALP! THERE IS POOP ON MY FOOT, SOMEONE POOPED ON MEEEE, WHERE ARE MINE LEGOS, WHY DO YOU HAAAATE ME, MAKE ME A CHOCOLATE SAMMICH WITH THE HEADS OF NEWBORN KITTEHS INSIDE
The baby, she is using my nipples as a chew toy.
The dog wants to eat almost every day.
And, for some reason, my husband wants to have sex with me, even though my hair is greasy and I smell like an old Reuben sandwich.
Soooo….it’s hard for me to concentrate and write a post that looks like, well, a post, and not like a Chinese take out menu.
Which is about the only thing I can handle these days, literature wise.
However, I have so much to GET OUT.
So, sigh, I am going to make a list. In the classy fashion of my beloved local Chinese take out place, Ko’s Garden.
3B. Mongolian Beef: I think there should be just one day where Britney Spears is forced to remove all her hair extensions, so we can all see how long her hair is now. I mean, she shaved her head bald and poked at shit with umbrellas, you can’t tell me you aren’t curious.
14C. Chicken with Cashews: They’re twitter lists, people. Not Schindler’s list. Let’s all settle down and get some perspective.
6C. Chicken Lo Mein: I found out in the McDonald’s drive-through, where I went to order a vanilla milkshake with fries to dip in it because I was having a day, my driver’s side window will not go down anymore. WHY DON’T YOU JUST CUT OFF MY ARMS FOR FUCK’S SAKE.
9B: Szechuan Beef: Thanks to breastfeeding, I have successfully avoided my period since June 2008. I thought for sure I would get off the plane, meet up with the Aiming Low girls, my ovaries will smell their ovaries, and be all fuck this postpartum break, menses in the hizzy! But they didn’t. I win.
2S: Sweet and Sour Shrimp: Also…I once used one of those tiny diapers that come on Cabbage Patch dolls as a maxi pad. I was out. And desperate.
17B Green Pepper Steak: New Moon comes out in 11 days. I am going to the midnight showing. I will be wearing two pairs of underpants.
A3 Fried Dumplings: I got nothing. I just really like fried dumplings.