Originally posted on the website Aiming Low, reposted here for posterity.
Back in the old days…you know…when I was being courted…I was quite the dresser.
Cute dresses. Sexy jeans and shirts. Pretty shoes.
I was, like, working it.
Smelled good. Looked good. And, I can’t be sure, but I am pretty sure I even gave blow jobs back then without groaning and rolling my eyes.
It was a crazy time.
And then I got married, and we worked different shifts, and Bush got re-elected, and…I don’t know. Something happened.
My body completely stared rejecting clothes unless they had an elastic waist or stretch cotton.
Walk in the door, goodbye pants and bra, hello oversized OSU sweatpants and wife beater.
What? It’s noon on a Saturday and I am wearing my brother’s old wrestling singlet and Homer Simpson slippers? So?
I mean, we can still totally have sex, I’m not wearing underwear, and there is a hole in the crotch.
Kid after kid has made the idea of wearing jeans in my own house completely unappealing.
I have a baby belly, and fat thighs, and wiggly stuff, and jeans just get all up in my bidniss, making marathon I Love Lucy episodes sitting indian style on the couch tres impossible. TRES.
So…this all sounds kinda bad, right.
But dude, it so totally isn’t.
Turns out, that when you stop wearing the kinds of everyday clothes society deems appropriate…when you finally do leave the house in jeans, it’s like, I don’t know, a fucking Christmas miracle.
I come downstairs in jeans, and my husband is all, Oh my God, you look amazing. And you’re all, what in these old jeans?
And then he tries to put his hands down your pants, but you have to stop him…’cause he’d feel your Spanx, and the magic would be ruined.
And there is nothing sexy about that.
Except the hole in the crotch. And even then, that is less sexy, and more totally about function, really, super expensive function. (read: Spanx are lined with gold)
I mean, if you want to get all technical, spanx are like glorified wrestling singlets.
And I already have one of those. (read: fuck you Spanx, I’m watching MXC and eating Cheez-Its in my wrestling singlet for the remainder of the day)