Why can’t we all wear elastic waist maternity pants, like, all the time?

How can everyone not be on board with this?

You can eat forever, they are super easy to slip off when you are having sex on the basement steps while your kids watch Dora, and they would virtually eradicate the muffin top.

This whole button and zipper craze makes no sense to me, and almost handicaps my ability to function at my desired level of food consumption.  And, I am talking to you, GAP, with your long and lean thigh cuts, 8 billion buttons and super short inseams.  I would love to eat a size 22 amount of french fries, but the dictatorship of society’s zipper and button constraints only allow me a size 6 portion.

Anything after that I’d need to unzip my pants and walk around with half my ass hanging out, which I am fine with, but my husband gets annoyed when I undo my pants in front of his grandma at holidays, so in reality, aside from accepting stretchy maternity jeans as the standard, my only remedy is a skilled tailor or a good bout of bulimia.

So, I am looking at civilian pants online today, wondering what size I will be in a few weeks, when I realized, I need to get my shit together and assemble my official post baby/not a fat ass plan.

I am not much of a dieter.

I mean, I am at like 3am, when I am laying in bed, pissed my underwear left a huge imprint on my skin, and I get all like “Fuck this, man, I am soooo not eating for the next 3 months so I can look like Nichole Richie, but with huge boobs.”  And then, I wake up and eat cold pizza and pop tarts and decide I can easily fix the whole problem by just not wearing underwear anymore.

Plus I have a thing for hot wings.  And I’m a bit of a beer swiller.

What can I say.

So…what does that leave me with?  Lap band?  Tape worm?

Oh no, I have done my research, and I think I have found the only weight loss plan that conforms to my standard of life, the mother of all diet plans.

Three words.

Asian Competitive Eater, mother fuckers.

Ok, soooo…that was five words.

Andddd…I’m not Asian.


This is going to work.

I have watched many a 13lb. Asian girl out eat 10 men, three times her size, and still shop at Limited, Too.

I don’t see how this is not going to be fucking awesome!

And, I have been thinking about what my food specialty will be.

I know hot dogs are a popular competitive food, but the whole dipping them in water first thing makes me want to vomit. Plus then my hands would smell like hot dogs all day, because that shit, like, never washes off, and then I would be smelling my fingers all day like a sicko, gagging and then complaining how I have hot dog hands still, and my husband would punch me in the face.

Tacos, hot wings and sushi would be doable options, I think.

But, then I thought, Brittany, you are an innovator, why not explore a competitive food market not yet tackled by the mainstream eating community.

Three words (for real this time).

Fruit Roll-Ups.

I think that’s three words.  I don’t know how hyphens work.

Anyways, I’m not talking about the healthy real fruit shit you make in your food dehydrator at home. I am talking the rainbow plastic grade yum yum stuck to the cellophane.

And, as a competition rule, you can’t just peel them off and eat them.  You have to peel them off, roll them onto your finger like a giant rainbow monster finger, and them eat them off from there.

I am going to be the hottest 90lb competitive fruit roll up eater ever.

Suck on that, GAP.

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