What’s with the shaking and convulsing, you ask?

Oh you know, just the after effects of my morning starvation diet in preparation for my 1 hour of fuckinghell glucose test.

Not familiar?

Oh, it’s what us pregnant types do to make sure we don’t get gestational diabetes, so that I may guiltlessly continue on with my diet of pixie sticks and sweet tarts.

So yeah, here I am, just chugged down a bottle of overly sugary orange soda stuff, waiting while it casually destroys my insides, leaving me completely disoriented, paranoid, with sweaty eyebrows and dry mouth…kinda like devouring a bag of shrooms (um, I would guess), only I can’t chase it with a whole pizza and a two liter of Mr. Pibb….at least not until my hour is up.

So…I’ll just sit here, in a totally uncomfortable upright position, next to a guy who smells like vinegar and baby powder, wishing I could just curl up in the fetal position, except that I remember I am a dumb ass and wore my low cut jeans, so I can’t curl up into anything without my whole ass crack hanging out, so I’ll just sit here in my chair against the wall, so no one can see my butt is totally out of my jeans, and resting on the dirty, dirty lab chair, probably totally exposed to a bajillion invasive diseases, all seeping into my body via my butt crack.

Seriously…vinegar baby powder guy is a total weirdo…and an armrest hog….and a change jiggler. Does’t he know only creepy sex predators jiggle change in their pockets and lick their lips 10 million times!?

Great, I should totally be focusing on the all out ring worm and tuberculosis assault on my bare ass, but I can’t because I have to worry about stinky creep face next to me.

Ugh, I am getting so sleepy…I hope someone wakes me up before he tries to stick his hands down my pants.

Oh yum, do I smell donuts?

UPDATE: Home at last. Butt scrubbed. Two mango smoothies and a burrito later, equilibrium achieved!

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