I am a tough sell.
I’ve known this for a while, but after your 8374756382940 Dear John letters, it starts to hit a nerve.
I curse too much, use lewd language, and set a tone that generally doesn’t jive with most publication standards. Especially of the mommy variety. Oh, and PR Firms who consider themselves to have a soul.
I already know this. I all but get an exorcism when I show up to family gatherings, and there is a candle burning 24 hours a day with my name on it in every Catholic church this side of…um…Ohio? (Fuck, that would have been way more convincing had I been able to insert some kind of prominent water source or landmark there.)
But, you know what, women’s and parenting magazines and publications? You are fucking kidding yourself. You keep on publishing your lame ass stories about homeopathic diaper rash remedies and how to reconnect with your inner self, and I’ll keep posting about eating too much, drinking too much, and the aftermath of pushing actual children out of my birth canal (ie. peeing constantly and freaking out when my husband goes down on me), and I will sleep at night knowing I totally didn’t sell out and virginize my shit up to your standards.
And, I am good with that.
Besides, I’d rather wait for the publisher to come around who doesn’t blush when I say the word vagina, or wet themselves over the word cock.
2. Oh, and in more important news…fall tv, back in black, bitches!
Gossip Girl…Love you. Truly I do, and I won’t even cross over into the dark anorexic territory that is 90210, I am staying strong. Even though, I am not sure if my local CW channel is actually broadcasting from India or what, but the past few weeks, you have been fuzzy as hell. So fuzzy, that every scene where raspy voiced Serena is drinking it up like a Cougar, she totally looks like Blanch from the Golden Girls.
ANTM…Ok, so Isis finally went home. I feel bad for Isis. Not only because the first two skanks who got kicked off were horrible and endlessly offensive to her, but you know she was totally just a Tyra PR tool. Either way, by the time she left, I would have totally forgot she was a dude…if she would have stopped freaking out all the time about her penis coming untapped.
The Office…Hoo-larious. I do wish psycho Jan was gone, but between Holly still thinking Kevin was mentally handicapped, Dwight not saying hello to Pam, and Jim finally manning the fuck up and proposing, it was spectacular.
SNL…dude, your skits have sucked ass. You had ONE good opener, the season premier, the rest of that episode sucked, and everyone since has followed suit. And this Casey Wilson lady…just…bad. You have comedic gold at your electoral fingertips. Use it. Now.
Greys…Finally better, but I am already sick of Izzie. Again. Why do you make her so wishy washy? And, can you please ask Meredith to show up to set with out daily lip injections? It’s distracting….and kinda just looks like she always has a cold sore.
How I Met Your Mother…Funny. Nothing as brilliant as Slapsgiving…yet. But, still hilarious. Thank God for NPH.
3. And even more importantly, somebody in this house is both pooping and peeing in the toilet on a semi-not quite regular basis. And, it’s not me. Or my husband. So that is fun, but the level of difficulty has increased as I try to wipe poop off a standing toddler, thus coining the phrase, rancid poop hands…because that is what I smell like…for the rest of the day.
4. Lastly, as I type this, my husband is at court, for this.
While I am definitely thinking of him, and hoping it goes swimmingly…I am even more concerned that he remembers to pick up my Sprite and Giant Chewy Sweet Tarts on the way home.
Because that is how I prioritize.