1. I rarely offer advice…out loud. Sure, I will bad mouth and judge the fuck out of you in my head, but out loud? Not so much. Mostly because I am a giant pussy, I can’t run that fast, plus my ankle always gives out due to an old soccer injury.
But. I will share this nugget with you. If you are going to allude to the entire world that you are pregnant, take a moment before you hit publish…and call your mother. You know, just give her a heads up. Because she’ll never let you live it down that the old lady at the feed store knew you were knocked up before she did, and she will probably call you at 5am, you know, when people only call because something horrific has happened, and she’ll be all…
Me: What time is it? Is everything ok?
Mom: No. Everything is not ok.
Me: Oh my God, is Opa alright?
Mom: What in God’s name is going on?
Me: Um…I was sleeping.
Mom: I know about your intranet blog.
Me: (I’m fucked) Um…what’s a blog?
2. Still pissed I missed out on the annual Corn Fest last weekend, we decided to get our sleeveless flannel shirt fix at the county fair.
It was smelly and dirty and I ate everything in sight. We decided that the fair would be the practice run for our big Christmas trip to Disney in December. The fair is just like Disney…only in a smokey, toothless, teenage pregnancy kind of way. I like going to the fair because it makes me feel better about myself.
3. This is Walnuts.
Walnuts likes cold ginger ale and sexual ambiguity.
Walnuts is a masochist, favoring stomach cramps and 6 days of constipation.
Walnuts likes to talk in third person…Walnuts is a little bit eccentric.
Walnuts ate a pork sandwich, a vanilla milkshake, a candy apple, a funnel cake, and a whole basket full of random fried things at the fair yesterday. Walnuts likes trans fat, and doesn’t get what everyone is so upset about.