Me: My boobs hurt, and I feel bloated.
Pregnant Emily: It’s way too early to have any inklings of pregnancy, it’s all in your head.
Me: So me leaking milk is a figment of my imagination?!
Pregnant Emily: Wait, what!?
Me: I may have exaggerated a bit just then.
Pregnant Emily: Jesus.
Me: Well, it definitely feels like there is something going on in there…but it could just be the tacos I ate.
Pregnant Emily: Good God you need help. Listen, you can test on Friday at the earliest, but you may get a false negative.
Me: But, I have all these pregnancy tests in the house, all I want to do is pee on them, like some kind of dog, or a deer, or something else that pees.
Pregnant Emily: I am pretty sure most things pee.
Me: Hey, did you know they sell deer urine at Walmart for, like, hunting? Do you think anyone buys deer urine and tries to pas sit off as their own for drug tests? Oh, maybe I could sell druggies deer urine and pretend it’s mine, I could make a fortune!
Pregnant Emily: …
Me: Anyhow, I better wait until Sunday, so I can enjoy the Annual Corn Festival Beer Tent and fried pickles this Saturday with a clean conscience. Drink ’til it’s pink 08 ™, baby!
Pregnant Emily: Wow.
Me: I’m just trying to plan my weekend, Emily.
Pregnant Emily: Enjoy the keg beer while you can, it will be a looong 9 months.
Me: Word. You know, I am not against a test tube baby.
Pregnant Emily: Well, that’s good in theory, but they still end up putting it inside you…so you still have to avoid beer.
Me: Wait, so it wasn’t physically grown in a test tube? What was all the hype about then?!
Pregnant Emily: Um, it was just the first baby ever made by fertilitzing the egg outside the body then implanting it!