A Tale of Seduction.

By |2017-06-14T16:34:14-05:00January 13th, 2011|Marriage, Parenting, Sex|

She came in from the deck, her fingertips frozen and black from delicately picking the melted plastic scraper brush from the grate and lighting the grill.  Her hair was wet from the newly fallen snow, as she slipped out of her icey bottomed imitation Uggs. He noticed her from across the kitchen, readjusting the drawstrings [...]

Sans Gallbladder.

By |2017-06-14T15:47:17-05:00January 5th, 2011|My Life|

I have a lot of irrational fears in regards to surgery. What if they leave an instrument inside me? Will they laugh that my boobs fall into my armpits when I lay flat on my back? What if they take out the wrong thing? But mostly, on top of having a horrific reaction to anesthesia, [...]

Unwell.

By |2017-06-14T15:47:45-05:00December 20th, 2010|My Life|

I am writing you this post under unusual circumstances. Two hour ago, I discharged from the hospital in a mad rush to make it home in time to get Jude ready for his last day school Christmas party, in which he wraps a present he made for us, and last year it was a huge [...]

Muskrats.

By |2017-06-14T15:50:21-05:00October 18th, 2010|Marriage|

Muskrat, muskrat candlelight Doin' the town and doin' it right In the evenin' It's pretty pleasin' Really?  Because if you ask me, the evenings around here are pretty fucking disgusting. There is nothing sexy about muskrat love, and I know, because for eight months, I have had a front row seat to the seedy underbelly [...]

Stocked.

By |2017-06-14T14:10:07-05:00October 8th, 2010|My Life|

Oh, I need AA batteries. While we are here. I'm going to get the big pack, but only because we have so many silly remotes. Remotes for the TV and the DVD Player and the...other remote controlled things that we totally have a lot of. I mean, what doesn't run on batteries these days, am [...]

Fish: Part 2

By |2017-06-14T14:49:47-05:00September 13th, 2010|My Life|

I know you are all wondering...what the hell happened, right?! Ok, so first, I know there was some confusion in the comments and in emails, mostly because I'm really bad at explaining things, and also, I am pretty sure I ate a psychedelic mushroom the other day, and it's seriously messing with me and my [...]

Fish.

By |2017-06-14T14:50:14-05:00September 8th, 2010|My Life|

If my life were a movie, I'm not sure who would play me. I'd like to think Emily Blunt or a young Elisabeth Shue.  Like, Adventures in Babysitting Elisabeth...or even Cocktail.  But with less backcombing and shoulder pad. It's so hard to pick. With my luck, only Bai Ling and the girl from high School [...]

Biden

By |2017-06-14T15:53:34-05:00August 27th, 2010|Marriage, Parenting|

If I'm pregnant, it's Joe Biden fault. It's not his fault that we never went back and did the post vasectomy test.  That was mainly just laziness on our part.  And logistically, well, the whole thing just sounded entirely too yucky for me. It's also not his fault that my period is wacky right now [...]

About aging.

By |2017-06-14T15:53:57-05:00August 2nd, 2010|Growing Up, My Life|

Barring some form of sudden disfigurement, I don't ever want to get plastic surgery on my face. I saw some surgery show once when I was little.  A woman was getting her jowls tightened and they peeled her whole face off. I couldn't eat Spaghetti O's for months after that. No matter how many wrinkles [...]

About Utah, Part Three: I see dead people.

By |2017-06-14T16:27:42-05:00July 7th, 2010|My Life, Travel|

524 Main Street does not exist. We drove all around town at 10 o'clock at night, in a rented SUV with Alaska plates. I had a panic attack.  I pulled into an Italian restaurant called Adolph's. Katie confirmed I was an idiot, and decided she would take over driving. We parked in a garage, and [...]