Ok so, Kim Kardashian filed for divorce after 72 super hard days of marriage, and a two part wedding special on E!, or as I like to call it, the Ryan Seacrest is Ruining Humanity Channel, that netted her a rumored 17 million dollars. Well, this makes sense. Gay people can’t get married in the […]
Haunted.
I grew up in the middle of the woods, also known as, the place where everyone fucking dies in every scary movie, ever. So, I never watched them. In fact, up until college, I had only seen one scary movie my whole entire life. April Fools Day. And then, Andy tried to convince me to face […]
Tales from the Road Part 1
Curse you fear of flight. I don’t know why, in my head, I envision road trips going better than they actually do. I mean, I know my kids are technophiles and they wouldn’t how to sing in a round if it punched them in the face, but really with the constant need for stimulation, already? The […]
Welcome Home
You know how in Twilight, Alice has visions of people’s future in her head, and when she can’t see it, it’s because they are dead or something? That is how I like to pretend my brain works. In my mind, I am psychic, so I feel like if I don’t envision something happening, it’s because […]
Step 2: Ruining Your Life
For the life of me, I cannot remember at what age I first felt embarrassed by my parents. I feel like it wasn’t something I knew I was supposed to feel by myself, but rather, something someone else told me I was supposed to be feeling. Wanna ride with me and my mom for the […]
The Bridal Shower.
I should preface this by saying, I do not bring my kids to bridal showers. Hell, I barely get excited about bringing them children’s birthday parties, because balancing three flimsy paper plates full of pulled pork sandwiches and explaining why you can’t open other people’s presents 4000 times is akin to eating at Long John […]
I’m why you should have to take a test to become a parent.
It took me a second to realize I was fucked. I had just gotten home from the airport and herded everyone inside, passing the bookbags hung neatly on the hooks in the mudroom, when it hit me. In a very slow motion ohhhhhh ssshhhhhittttttttt fashion. Sure, I could take over schlepping out the garbage and […]
Eleven Days
When I say things like, oh 11 days isn’t very long, in my head, it makes sense. Because 11 days isn’t very long. It’s not even two weeks. I’ve been constipated and on crash diets that have lasted longer than that. But when I pulled up to the departures terminal, and he got out of […]
Batman, Spiderman and a Butterfly walk into a bar. No wait, maybe it was their mom who walked into a bar…
With the exception of one or two instances in my life, I am exceptionally good at reading people. I can sense when people are getting annoyed with my kids in public. I know when my waiter is going to put pubic hair in my food. I can tell when the woman dressed as the Chiquita […]
Things that are round.
I haven’t been able to shake my crappy mood lately. This Saturday I stood in front of a plastic card table, next a chubby old clown with blue frizzy hair, glitter on her cheeks, and bright pink lipstick on her teeth. On second thought, maybe she wasn’t a clown, but rather, a disoriented old lady […]
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