/Tag: humor

My thoughts on Sarah Palin

By |2017-06-14T15:10:06-04:00September 14th, 2008|Parenting|

Ugh. Just kidding. But, seriously, my nipples hurt. Bad. I mean, don't get me wrong, the first trimester graces you with boobs to rival Playboy, but it comes at a cost. If so much as the wind hits them, they bleed and fall off. I have spent the last 2 hours in my room trying [...]

The Scarlet Letter

By |2017-06-14T14:18:22-04:00September 12th, 2008|Marriage|

I have sex. You know, with my husband...mostly...I don't own stock in D batteries for nothing (wink, exaggerating darling, you are a tiger in the sack. roar.). So yeah, I said it. Please note my keen ability to announce to the world wide web my gift for getting it on, yet when it comes [...]

Bros before, um, megaphones?

By |2017-06-14T16:20:07-04:00September 9th, 2008|My Life, Pop Culture Addiction|

Me: Wow. Jesus: What? Me: Really? Jesus: Oh. About yesterday, I am so sorry. Me: What the crap Jesus!? I was stranded on the side of a highway, flat tire, no clue how to fix it, pregnant, scared for my life. Jesus: Ok, first of all, it was County Road 13-1...and it's not even paved, [...]

I saw Jesus in Ikea

By |2017-06-14T15:10:23-04:00September 2nd, 2008|Parenting|

Ikea is not a store, Ikea is a big fucking chore.The parking process is like fucking Disney World, which is annoying to me, as I hate parking...and walking...especially with two kids and a mother who can't contain herself. She very well may have wet herself at the big gawdy blue and gold Graceland entrance.Mom, it's [...]

Among the living.

By |2017-06-14T16:05:49-04:00August 26th, 2008|My Life|

I am still here, and I want to write more, but my ability to sit upright and focus on my 52 inch computer monitor (yes for real, my husband feels WoW is best viewed in life size) has been compromised by the bile and undigested saltine crackers that keep creeping back up my esophagus. But, [...]

Weekend Crap Up

By |2017-06-14T16:06:12-04:00August 24th, 2008|Parenting|

1. Should I be concerned my pee is a burnt orange color? I feel like I should be. 2. This weekend, I missed out on the biggest event in my home town, aside from Annual Couch Potato Derby, because I opted to spend my Saturday...and most of today...on my knees next to the toilet, the [...]

Refreshers course

By |2017-06-14T16:06:57-04:00August 21st, 2008|Parenting|

Me: My boobs hurt, and I feel bloated. Pregnant Emily: It's way too early to have any inklings of pregnancy, it's all in your head. Me: So me leaking milk is a figment of my imagination?! Pregnant Emily: Wait, what!? Me: I may have exaggerated a bit just then. Pregnant Emily: Jesus. Me: Well, it [...]

The Worst Thing About Oral Hygiene.

By |2017-06-14T14:19:05-04:00August 14th, 2008|My Life|

Hi folks! I am super busy ovulating today, but I just wanted to stop in and share a few things with you, then it's back to the grind, and by grind, I know. 1. I grew up with dogs. My mom is into dogs. My brother has dogs. I have a dog. In my [...]

A letter to myself

By |2017-06-14T16:11:47-04:00August 12th, 2008|Growing Up, My Life|

Because I am feeling very zen and therapeutic at the moment (or that could totally be the xanax talking), I decided to write a letter to myself at age 18. Obviously, this was not that long ago for me, ahem, but it is none the less relevant to my inner growth I am drinking [...]

Running (er briskly walking) with the devil

By |2017-06-14T16:30:27-04:00July 25th, 2008|Marriage|

I fee like I have gotten fat. That's because you have. Seriously! You've noticed?  Noticed what? That you can't fit into anything, your arms have bat wings, and you have been secretly photoshopping your double chin out of the 4th of July picnic pictures? Um, yeah, I've noticed. Wow, I appreciate your candor. I guess [...]