What I Really Say To Your Husband

Ladies, your husbands are emailing me. Repeatedly. You may or may not have any idea this is happening. It's probably while you're in the shower, or after you go to bed. Or maybe when you think they're texting a co-worker on the couch, or in the bathroom on their iPads. … [Read More...]

In no particular order…

1. Pft. I am a tough sell. I've known this for a while, but after your 8374756382940 Dear John letters, it starts to hit a nerve. Bottom line. I curse too much, use lewd language, and set a tone that generally doesn't jive with most publication standards. Especially of the mommy … [Read More...]

It’s alive!

I woke up today and realized I can't remember the last time I brushed my kid's teeth. Or shaved under my arms. Or, for that matter, left the house. But, my hair looks fierce, in that tousled Vicky Secret kind of way, and my boobs are way hot. I totally need to vacuum though. And maybe … [Read More...]

Gloria Steinem come punch me in the face now.

They came to shut my water off today. Which was annoying, as I was all curled up on the couch watching CNN for the latest on the Travis Barker/ DJ AM plane crash saga (which CNN kept interrupting with all this "filler" about terrorist bombings and gas shortages...hello, we want the real news, … [Read More...]

Grounded until your water breaks.

Yesterday I had my first appointment with the nurse, the one where she rattles of a million medieval diseases, I nod no to them all, she gives me a captain's log worth of blood work scripts, and sends me on my way with a huge bag full of free shit...which is the only reason I got knocked up in the … [Read More...]

Disenfranchised.

It is 8:30 am. I am eating a cold chicken burrito from Chipotle. In bed. No beans. Extra rice. Extra guac. It could be because I woke up starving and if I did not immediately eat something rightfuckingnow I would throw up right then and there in bed, and instead of bringing me crackers … [Read More...]

My thoughts on Sarah Palin

Ugh. Just kidding. But, seriously, my nipples hurt. Bad. I mean, don't get me wrong, the first trimester graces you with boobs to rival Playboy, but it comes at a cost. If so much as the wind hits them, they bleed and fall off. I have spent the last 2 hours in my room trying to … [Read More...]

The Scarlet Letter

I have sex. You know, with my husband...mostly...I don't own stock in D batteries for nothing (wink, wink....um...totally exaggerating darling, you are a tiger in the sack. roar.). So yeah, I said it. Please note my keen ability to announce to the world wide web my gift for getting it on, … [Read More...]

Bros before, um, megaphones?

Me: Wow. Jesus: What? Me: Really? Jesus: Oh. About yesterday, I am so sorry. Me: What the crap Jesus!? I was stranded on the side of a highway, flat tire, no clue how to fix it, pregnant, scared for my life. Jesus: Ok, first of all, it was County Road 13-1...and it's not even … [Read More...]

The Pregnant Pause.

People my husband has told we are pregnant: His friends, his brother, his barber, the guy who changed the oil in our car, and the 12 year old next door neighbor who asked why she saw me throwing up in the backyard.People my husband has not told yet: His parents.This is not surprising. The last … [Read More...]

I think I am on a boat….of doom.

Sorry. Puke. Must update. Need help. Enter Allison. Say hi to her. Now. It gives me strength. Must. Vomit. Godspeed.Dear Friends of Brittany's Blog-I'm here today because Brittany has been feeling under the weather. It is most likely due to the start of college football season, which has … [Read More...]